Hurts?

At some point last night I was able to fall asleep after meandering through some tough emotional territory. This summer has been one of my favorites: no questions asked. However, it has cut and it has pushed and there are a lot of things about it that I still sit and think, "wait. did that really happen?" (both in great, great ways, and in some sad ways too).

I think in that place I am coming to terms with some realities that for all the hype spoken, and for all the good intentions just are not what was hoped for (that sentence covers such an expanse of situations: its ridiculous). This place arrived a few days ago, but came into full voice yesterday while hanging out with Patrick. At one point we sat outside Starbucks in Roanoke, and we discussed and dissected life as we know it, and I also quietly listened to him retrace the past 7 years we have known each other. It was fun to talk, but it felt vaguely similar to a conversation I usually had with someone else.

At the end of our time together he gave affirmations and encouragements for the place I am, and shared that while he realizes it was not the plan, is glad that we will be living by each other for a little bit longer. He acknowledged that I with three others have been part of his support system and best friends in life, and that he was thankful for me. He told me he could see and respect growth and change- but that a quiet calm and stillness had returned. That struck me, and I smiled. He took me in for a hug, and I sighed deeply acknowledging in a small infrequent moment that this summer while amazing, has been hard.

In my dream last night I was sitting and discussing an email I wrote before bed in real life. In my dream the recipient of this email sat with me, leaned in close and said, "hurts?"

I said quietly and tearfully that yes it did. They said nothing.

I am beyond thankful for the friends in my life that I can call upon at any hour of the night (though I am respectful about waking them up, and wait typically until morning). I have been pursued with fervor, and I have found joy in the most tender places. This summer I have seen and touched so much in the landscape of my own heart, purpose, and journey: there is so little to question or even think about regretting. How many people can say that?

Yet the Lord has made it clear that unless He is my hiding place, my fortress of truth, love, and purpose that everything else will crumble. I have seen what happens in this lack of focus and I have repented for the ways that I have forgotten to keep Him the priority. I do not feel forgotten, and I do not feel unloved by Him. I have been able to see that my plans are always plans made on shifting sand. And that while my flesh desire earthly things, that my heart wants only what is in Christ's timing and perfect sovereignty.

However. I have also learned that admitting struggle, defeat, and sadness is not a means of failure. In being vulnerable this way with the few chosen I have grown the most to let the hurt out of my body and heart, so that the healing can come.

In my dream I sat with someone I've lost along the way. It felt as real as the sun on my face. It was warm, and it was so familiar. I could almost touch it and swear we were sitting on the edge of the world. I woke up to the process at hand of growing and surrendering it all to Jesus.

I imagined in my recollection, my loving Savior, leaning in close and whispering so softly, "Hurts?"

I said tearfully and quietly it did. Instead of nothing, I heard:

"Let me take that for you."

And the day. Began. Again.