For You.

Tonight I had the best part of the small town experience, and living in a quiet mountain side paradise.

I met up with Matty at his very adorable bungalow in downtown Lexington, and we walked to dinner and a movie. As we made our way to our movie- Jenny and Joel drove by and pulled in to say hello. It was perfectly small town, and I loved it. After the Zac Efron drool fest we then walked back to his apartment, and there was Friday's Alive happening across the street with a band.

I drove home with all the windows down and sun roof open and celebrated the MUCH cooler temperatures. I stood on the front step of my house, Gracie wagging her tail at Jack and was quiet before the darkening night and watched the fireflies appear.

It was the perfect balance of, I love town... but I love this yard, I love my bistro lit deck, I love that Gracie can run and take care of business, and that when I talk on the phone I can put my feet up on the banister and just yap away while watching the night celebrate the darkness.

I am very radio sensitive. Sometimes I think Jesus likes to torment me as much as He likes to make me smile. I have to give it to Jesus- He's been kind to me this summer. I have not had cry fests at the arrival of any one song, and I have not wanted to turn my radio off. I was spoken to very clearly in between my Oregon and China trip in the radio, and in so many ways it completely shifted my attitude regarding life, the uncertainty of it, and issues of the heart. I was on the phone and was just upset. I was sitting in my car in Sandy's driveway before I pulled out, and tried to pull myself together. Choosing The Message on XM seemed like the safest bet. There would be no pop songs to haunt me there.

I sat for a moment and heard the introduction to the song "Love is Here" by the artist. He explained that we often ask God to prove His love in a sign, like a rainbow, or something specific, and he concludes by sharing: "If we wanna know that God loves us, we need to stop looking to our circumstances and start looking to the cross because that is the way He displays His love."

It was like Jesus was in my car, just glaring at me with eyes that said, "Kari. Are you listening?" Tears cascaded my cheeks and instantly my perspective completely shifted, and in many ways that small little snippet on the radio saved me, and saved my life. I bought it on my phone, and I even purchased it on iTunes for a friend. The message resonated with me, and many times during the course of China I could hear in my head the lyrics and remembered to stop staring at the wall I couldn't move away from. Instead kept hearing, "Kari. It's not there. It's here. It is in the tears, the suffering, the growth, the challenge, and the change. My love is here. In good and bad. The cross is real, in every situation, in every obstacle. That is where I am. Go there. Move away from this wall."

I was able to break through the wall. What I found on the other side was exactly what I needed. It came at the cost of hurting others, and it came at the surrendering of what I stubbornly could not let go. I realized most in China that giving it all up was the only way for restoration, healing, and redemption to really come and change my life. The whole of my life. Not just the parts I loosely gave.

In similar fashion Jesus makes me laugh in the radio. Today I caught a lot of Train (yes I still have a love affair with Pat, and yes I know that he is married). I kept catching the new radio single, "If it's Love" at my most favorite part towards the end. In it Pat my beloved says, "I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it for you".

I have often said "Go team. We're in it to win it". I realized this summer, that there is no game. There never was.

I'm not in it to win it.

I'm in it, for you.

For Him.

Love... is Here.

What wall are you standing in front of?

Are you going to die in the midst of its shadow?

Or are you going to fight for and through it?

Do you need help?

Lean in. I promise you that its here. For you. In shadows and shade.

Until the Light comes.

Tonight before I got into my car, the band that was playing across the street starting playing Train's "Drop of Jupiter". I smiled. I stood outside listening to it and watched the reddening sky outline the buildings of downtown main street, and especially the silhouette of Lexington Presbyterian. I don't think I've really listened to the words of that song in ages, even though I know them all completely by heart. I laughed as I paid more attention to the lyrics, and smiled as I realized I've been asked a few of the questions posed by Pat in recent years.

Yes, I sailed across the sun, and I made it to the milky way. I fell for some shooting stars, and some left permanent scars. Yes, I missed you while I was looking for myself out there. I made my way through the constellation, and there is so much room to grow. No, I can't imagine no love, pride, not having my best friend stick up for me even when I'm clearly wrong, I can't fathom no five hour phone conversations, the best soy latte, and especially no... you.

I am back in the atmosphere.

I am back from that soul vacation- sorry it took so long, it wasn't meant to take...years.

I'm not in it to win it,

I'm in it... for you.