For You.

Tonight I had the best part of the small town experience, and living in a quiet mountain side paradise.

I met up with Matty at his very adorable bungalow in downtown Lexington, and we walked to dinner and a movie. As we made our way to our movie- Jenny and Joel drove by and pulled in to say hello. It was perfectly small town, and I loved it. After the Zac Efron drool fest we then walked back to his apartment, and there was Friday's Alive happening across the street with a band.

I drove home with all the windows down and sun roof open and celebrated the MUCH cooler temperatures. I stood on the front step of my house, Gracie wagging her tail at Jack and was quiet before the darkening night and watched the fireflies appear.

It was the perfect balance of, I love town... but I love this yard, I love my bistro lit deck, I love that Gracie can run and take care of business, and that when I talk on the phone I can put my feet up on the banister and just yap away while watching the night celebrate the darkness.

I am very radio sensitive. Sometimes I think Jesus likes to torment me as much as He likes to make me smile. I have to give it to Jesus- He's been kind to me this summer. I have not had cry fests at the arrival of any one song, and I have not wanted to turn my radio off. I was spoken to very clearly in between my Oregon and China trip in the radio, and in so many ways it completely shifted my attitude regarding life, the uncertainty of it, and issues of the heart. I was on the phone and was just upset. I was sitting in my car in Sandy's driveway before I pulled out, and tried to pull myself together. Choosing The Message on XM seemed like the safest bet. There would be no pop songs to haunt me there.

I sat for a moment and heard the introduction to the song "Love is Here" by the artist. He explained that we often ask God to prove His love in a sign, like a rainbow, or something specific, and he concludes by sharing: "If we wanna know that God loves us, we need to stop looking to our circumstances and start looking to the cross because that is the way He displays His love."

It was like Jesus was in my car, just glaring at me with eyes that said, "Kari. Are you listening?" Tears cascaded my cheeks and instantly my perspective completely shifted, and in many ways that small little snippet on the radio saved me, and saved my life. I bought it on my phone, and I even purchased it on iTunes for a friend. The message resonated with me, and many times during the course of China I could hear in my head the lyrics and remembered to stop staring at the wall I couldn't move away from. Instead kept hearing, "Kari. It's not there. It's here. It is in the tears, the suffering, the growth, the challenge, and the change. My love is here. In good and bad. The cross is real, in every situation, in every obstacle. That is where I am. Go there. Move away from this wall."

I was able to break through the wall. What I found on the other side was exactly what I needed. It came at the cost of hurting others, and it came at the surrendering of what I stubbornly could not let go. I realized most in China that giving it all up was the only way for restoration, healing, and redemption to really come and change my life. The whole of my life. Not just the parts I loosely gave.

In similar fashion Jesus makes me laugh in the radio. Today I caught a lot of Train (yes I still have a love affair with Pat, and yes I know that he is married). I kept catching the new radio single, "If it's Love" at my most favorite part towards the end. In it Pat my beloved says, "I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it for you".

I have often said "Go team. We're in it to win it". I realized this summer, that there is no game. There never was.

I'm not in it to win it.

I'm in it, for you.

For Him.

Love... is Here.

What wall are you standing in front of?

Are you going to die in the midst of its shadow?

Or are you going to fight for and through it?

Do you need help?

Lean in. I promise you that its here. For you. In shadows and shade.

Until the Light comes.

Tonight before I got into my car, the band that was playing across the street starting playing Train's "Drop of Jupiter". I smiled. I stood outside listening to it and watched the reddening sky outline the buildings of downtown main street, and especially the silhouette of Lexington Presbyterian. I don't think I've really listened to the words of that song in ages, even though I know them all completely by heart. I laughed as I paid more attention to the lyrics, and smiled as I realized I've been asked a few of the questions posed by Pat in recent years.

Yes, I sailed across the sun, and I made it to the milky way. I fell for some shooting stars, and some left permanent scars. Yes, I missed you while I was looking for myself out there. I made my way through the constellation, and there is so much room to grow. No, I can't imagine no love, pride, not having my best friend stick up for me even when I'm clearly wrong, I can't fathom no five hour phone conversations, the best soy latte, and especially no... you.

I am back in the atmosphere.

I am back from that soul vacation- sorry it took so long, it wasn't meant to take...years.

I'm not in it to win it,

I'm in it... for you.

environment.

Sunday after I enjoyed a marvelous brunch prepared by Katherine, a last minute house guest, I began the process of making my shopping list. Hmm... what to plan for dinner always takes a little more thought in light of two things: 1) The temperature outside and 2) The palate of the company eating said meal. I decided chicken, vegetables, and couscous. Yes. That was that.

I headed off to Kroger as Mandy and Katherine went to the river. I walked into the store and looked up and saw perhaps one of the most attractive boy/man (his age was elusive) I have seen in ages in Lexington, albeit Kroger. We followed each other around for about 45 minutes. We smiled at each other a lot. Said hello. He was distracting me from my shopping list. I had sunflowers, fresh vegetables, and salad dressing in my cart. I think by looks of my cart I looked quiet charming. I was also wearing a dress. Now girls- you understand the beauty of putting on one garment and instantly looking like you made effort. It's a magic secret of clothes that I LOVE. So I felt good, looked coordinated and cute- my hair was still fab from the wedding the night previous... it was a good Kroger experience. My reason for mentioning this attractive what I would gather Law Student (he wore an oxford, khaki shorts, rainbows, but his hair aged him in color though it was dark), is that I left Kroger and completely forgot half of my shopping list.

So I went to Walmart. I searched for this cute boy in Walmart, laughed at myself because this is completely not at all who I am, and left Walmart.

I was so distracted by my search that I forgot the cream cheese for Matty's cream cheese frosting filling for his red velvet cookie sandwiches I was making for his birthday.

Because I didn't want to go back into Walmart, I went to Food Lion and had perhaps one of the best customer service experiences, and noted to self "I have only been in Food Lion once in 7 years... how strange?"

So anyway. With groceries and giggles I made my way home and told Katherine and Mandy about my criss cross grocery endeavor and flirtatious boy experience. I then preceded to make the red velvet cookies for Matt, and thought quietly to myself as I prepped those, and then dinner, and dessert.

In the midst of all of the chopping and mixing Katherine left for her home in Georgetown, and Mandy watched a movie. There was something strangely familiar about the scene. It was a picture of my life with Mandy when she lived in the house. I still picked up her things and moved them out of the way, I still put her dishes away, the air in the house was identical.

Yet, I didn't find myself missing living with her. I see her so often and love her so much that I am content with the dynamic of our relationship now. What I did find myself absolutely loving however was the way that I could love people in this house. Katherine needed a mountain escape, I could provide one. I wanted to make Matty's birthday cookies, and had the kitchen. I was grateful and incredibly thankful for the way being in my home preparing for the evening felt. Not for this particular house in this particular neighborhood. But for space. For the four walls, the roof, the structure. The place for opportunity to invite. I missed it. I was pursuing creating it somewhere else and I had very particular ideas on what that would look like. On Sunday night I realized that in the context of my kitchen, and the open door that in hospitality I am in my element. The Davidson's joined us later for 'Magic Juice', grilled chicken, and curry vegetables. The meal was delicious, and I appreciated Mandy's affirmative gratitude in "whoever you end up marrying one day, is going to be one lucky man.". Her comment left me feeling warm and fuzzy, loved and appreciated. I did not ache for the future, its coming, where I am right now is good, and God has given me a lot of peace. Sunday was a night filled with comfort, coziness, and conversation. It reflected so much of what I love, and in every way it was enough. I did not want or desire more. I pray that as I continue to understand what the Lord has for me not only just here in Lexington, but also the next move, that I would be able to pursue creating an environment for the stories of life to be told, and to be made.

The kitchen. The meal. The conversation with not a dozen people, instead just four. That is my element. This will be true for the rest of my life. It will not matter the place in which my home is created, or who will join me at the table. I know that when its time to have a family, that the faces will reflect mine and my spouse- but among them will be their 'aunts and uncles' whom I have loved years before the biological family came, and we will share life. (and I will probably still be moving Mandy's things and putting her dishes away when she comes to visit... TRUE).

Where are you most in your element?

Who do you invite to join you there?

If not, what are you waiting for?

Five.

Monday began with celebrating Matt's birth...

And ended with celebrating Bill's life.

In the lull of the morning turned into afternoon I went and I sat at the river.

I was quiet. I was still.

I let my thoughts ramble and range.

I thought of this summer. I thought of this journey. Mostly I thought of him.

I returned home to a voicemail, and so I placed a call.

I was asked how my day was, and they waited in my quiet for the real answer to come.

Five Years.

It sounds long. It sounds further away. It sounds more like a memory.

In a postcard that came perfectly three days early, a best friend staying for the weekend, a Waffle House celebration of Matty, a quiet moment at the River's Edge, a voicemail then phone call with the BFF, a dinner at the Melting Pot with Mandy, the text messages and calls from those who remembered the day... I was loved. I was supported. I didn't run from it, and I didn't apologize for needing it.

Maybe it took me Five years to learn that lesson.

The fabric of this life has been enormously complicated, and at times painfully crafted... but on a day like Five... without question or a second glance it was clearly and miraculously woven in love.

Letters. Postcards. Write them. Share your life. Open your heart. Empty it on a page. Give someone the opportunity to hold it, capture it, and find the time machine and life line they become when you are gone. Those letters could change your life.

I know, that they've changed mine.

G. & K.

Saturday.

I literally have about 6 blog topics and entries circling around my head right now. I have random thoughts tucked away in my mind, and even at times scribble them down on the closest piece of paper. The hard part about this is prioritizing what comes out first. The best part? I feel like I have been waiting so long for the words to come, and now that they are here I am treated to the best surprise as I experience them arrive.

I will start with Saturday. I, along with the Lexington community celebrated the marriage of Carolyn Kleinert and Jamie Hewitt. I remember talking to Jamie endlessly about his desired pursuit of the lovely lady now his bride last Spring. I was always impressed by his patience and prayerful spirit. The wedding was wonderful, and the reception in classic Kleinert fashion was an amazing partay.

My favorites of the night:

1) A very wonderful moment shared with Lindsay, she even made me cry as we talked about the journey of this year and our very sweet honest friendship. It was simply divine.

2) A very sweet dance shared with Matty. A large group of us were dancing wildly and exuberantly, and as the song transition into "Wonderful Tonight" by the live band, all of the girls we were dancing with quickly left. Matt and I stood there for a moment and just laughed at them, and then we danced. We talked and whispered about our random thoughts, but mostly we just swayed hand in hand to the pace of the music. It was one of my most favorite moments with Matty in the span of our friendship.

3) In the car I noticed "Wait. My earrings are gone!!" PROOF of a good night on the dance floor. It was fantastic.

4) Conversations with Hatcher and Jana. Love them. Thankful for the hard questions, and the soft place for the answers to land.

5) I felt like myself. I think in a lot of ways though I felt like my new returned self. Maybe it was the dress. I have had that dress tucked in my closet for a year. I bought it in Connecticut last year when I got back from Europe after I was encouraged that I should. It stayed in my closet for the entire year. Saturday afternoon I pulled out the long black and white article of clothing, Mandy curled my hair, and I applied red lipstick. It was fun to get dressed up that way, and look at my reflection and see not just confidence but just awareness. I got several comments on how I looked, but there was one person in particular whom I will not name because it would embarrass him, who in a hug, quietly spoke into my ear "you look absolutely beautiful. It's so wonderful to see you." I was taken so aback by his sentiment, and as I stepped back and searched his eyes I saw that the sincerity in which he meant was palpable. Every girl desires someone to notice them. Something I learned in Italy last year was that beauty is never about what we place on our bodies, or apply to our faces. More often then not, its what shines through your eyes and is communicated in your life. In Italy I was free of the lies I so often believed, and I was able to see experience the response of which. Having just returned from a whirlwind of adventure and challenges, I know that on Saturday night I was not being complimented on an outfit. I was being affirmed in a journey of flight. My response to this person was not just thank you, it was only fitting to give them a kiss on the cheek.

Saturday night was refreshing and absolutely divine. Two wonderful friends have begun a journey and ministry in marriage, and I was glad that I was able to witness it.

Loved.It.

Matty

Today I begin with Matty.

I love this man.

Today is his birthday.

We have celebrated every year since we've met. (Seven years ago).

This morning with Miles and Mandy we ate breakfast and told stories.

We laughed.

We randomly burst out into song.

He is my brother, a best friend,

pop culture conversator (is that even a word?), and prayer warrior.

Happy Birthday my beloved friend.

Smooches.

xoxoxo

Kurry

A View of Gratitude

Today has been an alright kind of day. Not my favorite, but quiet before the fun that will take place this weekend. I woke up and had a slow morning, it took me awhile to pull open the shades to the day and things I hoped to tackle. I uploaded a ridiculous amount of pictures to Facebook, and then I went to Covington Honda to get my car service and engine light fixed. Two hours later a young man walks in, sits down and asks me to change the channel so we could watch Ellen. Lady Gaga was on repeat, and we shared a conversation about Gaga, and pop culture. He was the last person I'd imagine with an opinion, but alas we should never judge a book by its cover.

In leaving however I began thinking about my car, I've had it five years September. I began to think about 5 years ago right now. I began to feel the walls close in around me as I broke down the past 5 years of my life, and 156,000 miles on my car. I'd say after that things kind of lulled out. I went to Walmart and came home, grabbed my mail, and knew that I had to start unpacking my bedroom. It was time. I was suffocating in the undone.

As I pulled items out of boxes and unwrapped small glass objects and placed them back in the home they last knew, I thought over and over again: "It wasn't supposed to be this way."

This admission is not a surprise, nor is it ridiculous. I don't indulge my heart many moments such as that one to feel the weight of current life circumstances. But today I could not run.

But I began to make a list.

My biological father, whom I never met face to face after I was a year old was a recovering alcoholic and celebrated 23 years of sobriety 1 month and 3 days before his death five years ago, July 26th. Of my favorite and most prized possessions (including his watch, photographs that my very talented paternal grandfather took, and my grandmother's quilt) are pieces of paper with his handwriting on it. I have letters, and cards from him that I treasure, but among those with his hand meeting the page is a small yellow pad of paper. There are pages upon pages of things that he wrote that day he was grateful for. They ranged from his faith in God, relationship with his mother, the sunshine, and scribbled away almost ineligibly was 'that my daughter is safe'.

He wrote gratitude lists every day as part of working 'the program', and I am so thankful that among those things I found in his home next to my letters, was this very unnoticeable priceless collection of thoughts. They document part of his journey.

I have never written a gratitude journal. Even when Oprah got on the bandwagon years ago- I never did it. I always felt like "God knows I'm thankful", and just moved on. Today in the midst of a day in which I was face to face with a plan I did not choose, I understood why to be consciously grateful mattered. It means that in every and all circumstances that we are choosing to change the periscope we view life, ourselves, and God and instead of closing in by what is not- we are opening up to what is.

I unpacked and I folded, and I struggled- but the thoughts in my head found a pattern of gratitude and for which I found a resting place. My list was long, and I didn't write it down. But I know that I began with Christ- and then I went on to be thankful,

For the man I never knew but loved me so deeply

For Gracie

For this home

For time

For the stamps in my passport

For Crystal Light and Diet Coke

For XM Radio

For postcards

For conviction

For hope

For being chosen by Christ

For promises unspoken and unseen, and lastly for what was supposed to happen that didn't, so that I could experience what is... and what is coming.

Thankful for a lesson of love and hope, scribbled away on what would otherwise be an ordinary yellow note pad.

Hurts?

At some point last night I was able to fall asleep after meandering through some tough emotional territory. This summer has been one of my favorites: no questions asked. However, it has cut and it has pushed and there are a lot of things about it that I still sit and think, "wait. did that really happen?" (both in great, great ways, and in some sad ways too).

I think in that place I am coming to terms with some realities that for all the hype spoken, and for all the good intentions just are not what was hoped for (that sentence covers such an expanse of situations: its ridiculous). This place arrived a few days ago, but came into full voice yesterday while hanging out with Patrick. At one point we sat outside Starbucks in Roanoke, and we discussed and dissected life as we know it, and I also quietly listened to him retrace the past 7 years we have known each other. It was fun to talk, but it felt vaguely similar to a conversation I usually had with someone else.

At the end of our time together he gave affirmations and encouragements for the place I am, and shared that while he realizes it was not the plan, is glad that we will be living by each other for a little bit longer. He acknowledged that I with three others have been part of his support system and best friends in life, and that he was thankful for me. He told me he could see and respect growth and change- but that a quiet calm and stillness had returned. That struck me, and I smiled. He took me in for a hug, and I sighed deeply acknowledging in a small infrequent moment that this summer while amazing, has been hard.

In my dream last night I was sitting and discussing an email I wrote before bed in real life. In my dream the recipient of this email sat with me, leaned in close and said, "hurts?"

I said quietly and tearfully that yes it did. They said nothing.

I am beyond thankful for the friends in my life that I can call upon at any hour of the night (though I am respectful about waking them up, and wait typically until morning). I have been pursued with fervor, and I have found joy in the most tender places. This summer I have seen and touched so much in the landscape of my own heart, purpose, and journey: there is so little to question or even think about regretting. How many people can say that?

Yet the Lord has made it clear that unless He is my hiding place, my fortress of truth, love, and purpose that everything else will crumble. I have seen what happens in this lack of focus and I have repented for the ways that I have forgotten to keep Him the priority. I do not feel forgotten, and I do not feel unloved by Him. I have been able to see that my plans are always plans made on shifting sand. And that while my flesh desire earthly things, that my heart wants only what is in Christ's timing and perfect sovereignty.

However. I have also learned that admitting struggle, defeat, and sadness is not a means of failure. In being vulnerable this way with the few chosen I have grown the most to let the hurt out of my body and heart, so that the healing can come.

In my dream I sat with someone I've lost along the way. It felt as real as the sun on my face. It was warm, and it was so familiar. I could almost touch it and swear we were sitting on the edge of the world. I woke up to the process at hand of growing and surrendering it all to Jesus.

I imagined in my recollection, my loving Savior, leaning in close and whispering so softly, "Hurts?"

I said tearfully and quietly it did. Instead of nothing, I heard:

"Let me take that for you."

And the day. Began. Again.

Mother Teresa

Today I was thinking in my car about Mother Teresa. Ok, yes I know that is a completely random person to be thinking about. But seriously, I was and my thoughts ranged. I thought,

1) I don't know a lot about her as a person. Just that I know she did amazing things.

2) I have a quote by her tucked away in my heart about trusting God. I wonder what other quotable things she has said.

3) How old was she when she died? How did she die?

So on this Thursday night (I am also proud to say that I knew it was Thursday most of the day-- its been a really strange and peculiar week). I decided to do what I have become quite good at: googling. (Though I wanted to do this in the car while I was thinking about Mother Teresa, I opted to focus on driving: good choice).

There are some things that I thought were interesting.

1) At the age of 18 she left home to join the Sisters of Loreto as a missionary, and never saw her mother or sister again.

2) She wrote often about her doubt, and lack of faith. To the point that there have been several things written about her using her faith only as a publicity shield.

3) I know so little about Catholicism.

4) She was a dynamic woman. I knew that she did great things for the 'poorest of the poor', but did not know the timeline for her life, or the immense criticism she had received for the quality of care at clinics, and the use of donated charitable funds.

BUT anyway- the dryness of the biography and timeline left the desire for some Mother Teresa wisdom, and so I began researching quotes and anecdotes. Obviously for the span of life she lived and the work she did I could fill several blog entries with them, but the ones below are my absolute favorite.

Enjoy. Let them be a spring board for thought in your life as you contemplate the challenges posed by a woman who with all judgement or skeptism aside- loved people in their most broken and desperate state and lived a life directing others to Christ. We need more people like her. I need to live more like that.

"I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, 'How many good things have you done in your life?' rather he will ask, 'How much love did you put into what you did'?"

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

"Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin."

"Spread the love of God through your life but only use words when necessary."

"Prayer is not asking. Prayer is putting oneself in the hands of God, at His disposition, and listening to His voice in the depth of our hearts."

"God made the world for the delight of human beings-- if we could see His goodness everywhere, His concern for us, His awareness of our needs: the phone call we've waited for, the ride we are offered, the letter in the mail, just the little things He does for us throughout the day. As we remember and notice His love for us, we just begin to fall in love with Him because He is so busy with us -- you just can't resist Him. I believe there's no such thing as luck in life, it's God's love, it's His."

"Love to be real, it must cost—it must hurt—it must empty us of self."

The Compass.

This fall I was reading a friend's blog and she was discussing in vulnerability how in dealing with the terminal illness of her long time beloved friend she was dealing with feelings of loneliness. She quotes another mutual friend in regards to the meaning of Natalie's life:

"My heart is a compass and Natalie is my magnetic north. She steadfastly points in the right direction; she gives bearing when the sky is too dark to see stars. Without her, I feel unmoored; adrift, heartbroken and alone."

I was so connected to this, that I wrote her an email saying that I appreciated her thoughts on the blog and the one above just really resonated with me. Her response was welcomed and in it she says, "I loved that idea of magnetic north; it got me thinking. The actual magnetic north in the western hemisphere is located in the Hudson Bay in northern Canada. Yet for most of the hemisphere, when a compass points north it points right through the Hudson Bay and on to the north pole. I loved that imagery--I think of Christ as my north pole, and Natalie as my magnetic north: when I seek her advice, she steadfastly points me to Christ."

This email conversation continued and I was really moved by the way my friend shared about Natalie. Dealing with cancer again, she opted against Chemo. She wasn't in any pain, and she was just very tired. My friend explains that a post Natalie world would be so incredibly frightening.

The other day I was on Facebook while I was hanging out running errands. I saw on my news feed that Natalie had passed away. Without thinking or hesitating I switched to email and wrote a quick email to my friend. I told her that I was praying for her heart and celebrating a life lived in Grace and Love that impacted hers for 14 years. I also wrote, "The compass rests and she is with Jesus".

I have not been able to get this friend, her loss, or the incredible legacy I have only gotten to hear such a small amount of, out of my head. For two days its all I can think about, and so I have been praying fiercely for peace and comfort.

In December I was pretty friendship-lost with the move of Andrew Piper to the West. I thought often leading up to Christmas how much of our friendship pointed me to Christ. (This could also be because he is over a foot taller then me, that I am always looking up at his face... and also thinking about it- his complete North Face wardrobe... interesting) How lucky I was that I had him in my life and how much I have grown because of him. I decided to give him a brass compass beautifully situated in a wooden box. On the outside the longitude and latitude coordinates of the North Pole were engraved. I wrote a card which explained a little bit about where the idea came from, and I wrapped it up neatly in Christmas paper. He opened it, and in a classic exchange between us, our eyes met and there was silent moment of gratitude.

It's been a dizzying year. It began shooting my first Wedding for Macy and Peder, an early morning 3am New Years phone call, and then a road trip to Florida. Since then I think I've been playing catch up to my heart and I have lost a lot of direction and footing. The 'waiting' was brutal, and in the end what I was waiting for came, and now I sit... and I think... and I process...

And I read the news that a beloved friend has lost their battle with cancer. I pray for the girl she leaves behind who in an email wrote back to mine about her loss "Saturday, as I woke up, I realized I was seeing the very first sunrise in my life that I saw and Natalie didn't. This will all take too much learning"

If there is something tangible that could be offered, purchased, or traded I would gladly take it delicately in my hands, place it in a beautifully fashioned wooden box, wrap it up with a bow and hand it to my grieving friend. Having dealt with loss, and even still processing much of what is learned in the darkness, I know that words comfort less then we would like... but the fact that we are on this journey and we are not alone sometimes speaks more eloquently in the silence of a loved one, and their hand being offered to closely grasp ours then any Hallmark card or conversation could say.

To my friend whom has has lost someone so dear. You are not alone, though you may feel it. Though your grief is like an ocean- it will ebb and flow, your compass I know, still would want nothing more then in her death to direct you in the way of Christ much like her life.

For the past few days I have thought about my friend, Natalie, and my compass. I am thankful that on this night I can pray with sincerity and thanksgiving that the Lord has given me several gifts of friendship and people in my life. I have seen their love this summer in abundance and I am thankful that I can reciprocate so much of their example now that I have settled storms and won some wars.

However, there remains still taller then me by a mile one person in particular. I know that my gift to him this Christmas is still true. I know that even though we have hurt and pushed each other in recent months that because of that relationship and friendship I have been able to experience Christ in an authentic and tender way... we change and we grow and we talk and we laugh. I know in my heart, deeply hidden and protected is a silent understanding- the point. The purpose. The journey. To push each other towards the truth, the love, and the perfect purpose found in Jesus Christ. Sometimes in silence, sometimes at an appointed time to pray, sometimes in phone conversations, and sometimes in speaking hard truths in love.

I am made more thankful for his presence in the wake of someone's loss.

Our lives intersect. Our relationships parallel. Our God loves us and reminds us in the testimonies of others that He is the only way, the only true North. I am thankful for reading a blog entry in December which began this entire dialogue, and I am thankful for knowing the meaning behind a story because I chose to write and connect.

Who is your compass?

Who waits, prays and petitions, and loves you?

Who in hurts, joys, struggles, and triumphs deflects attention from themselves so that you can see the glory and magnitude of Christ?

Do they know it?

China. Chesapeake. (Oregon). The Moon.

"I ask of you to bring me home,
For all the years that I may roam.
You showed me love through all my faults"

Today's Ten

Highlights of today:

1) I got Jessica confirmed and ticketed for Vegas. Heck yeah.

2) I had two great conversations, one with Tex, the other Kerri. It is always refreshing to sit on the phone with someone and talk about life with, and not have to explain a back story. They know you, they know the past, you simply just have to meet them in that place and be vulnerable. Today was a great day for that.

3) I had some returns at Target, so I put on a dress, threw the hair up into a ponytail and off I went for my evening excursion. I held back and did not get an iced coffee. Sleep these days- not possible until after 2am... so we are trying to limit caffeine.

3b) I love that I can feel my ponytail on my back. I don't know when my hair finally got this long, but I have been LOVING it.

3c) Got a straight up random compliment from the checkout person at Target. It was nice, random, and perfectly unexpected. I am glad it didn't turn creepy with him asking for my number. It was so wonderfully refreshing to not want a single thing more from it then someone noticing I looked pretty today.

4) Sent a genuine email that almost surprised me because it was not what I expected to say, think, or feel... but I knew that I meant it and it was true. And I'm glad that they will too.

5) Heard the Tonic song, "Release Me" on XM on the way home. I really like Emerson Hart quite a bit, and the song came out May 2nd (a little googling), and I have since returned home and purchased the album. (You will probably be getting a copy of this album: yes I am talking to you). Also, expect blogs entries about a couple of song in particular. Love me some good song lyrics.

6) I got a card in the mail from my sister Courtney. Highlight of being home again? I am now reachable by mail and have gotten some of the best letters.

7) I smiled today at a stranger. And they completely lit up like Christmas.

8) Gracie came up from behind me while I sat at my desk and sniffed my ear, and quietly placed her head on my shoulder (there is a bed behind my desk chair)... and she just sat with me for a moment. It was tender, and it was absolutely divine.

9) I drove home and saw the above sunset over the mountains. I may have mixed feelings about being in Lexington instead of elsewhere- but in those miraculous gifts in the horizon I know that Jesus loves me, His love is perfect for me and without end. I rest there.

10) I don't have a number ten. But I like well rounded groups and lists.

11) Oh wait. So I left a voicemail today for a friend, and I talk about it being Tuesday, completely not at all sure what day it really is, but fairly certain it was in fact Tuesday. Yeah, so it took me like 4 hours to realize its Monday. To be that free and not know what day of the week could be a sign of lack of schedule/discipline... but to me? This planner/control freak? It shows motions of flight and freedom. I'll take it.

The Rainy Day That Never Came.

Today I had one of those weird moments with Facebook.

I was looking at someone's page, I can't even remember now who it was and to the left I had a mutual friend in common with the person I was stalking. Without thinking I clicked on the picture and then I realized that Suzie Frank, my dear friend is gone.

I had followed Suzie's battle in illness for a couple of years. I remember getting an email forwarded to me through the Ridgefield Emmaus grapevine about a fundraising effort by her daughter Lisa, for the Leukemia Walk in San Francisco. I did not hesitate, I went to the website and donated what I knew I could and that was it. A few days later I got an email from Mike Frank, Suzie's husband/Lisa's dad. My relationship with Mike was a special one in my High School years and we were able to reconnect and sort of catch up the best way you can without sitting in front of each other with a cup of coffee.

My freshman year of High School I was a new Christian in a whole new swimming pool of peers. The Franks were my Sunday School teachers, and were close to my parents as they worked on Emmaus weekends together, and so having them on the same team that Fall meant the Franks were at my house every Wednesday night. I got to chat with them before the meeting, and was invited to sit in on one meeting in particular to hear Mike share his testimony. I was honored, it was a special consideration made per his request.

A few months later Mike took a job traveling extensively for his job. He wrote me postcards. This theme has been woven so beautifully in my life. Suzie and I would talk and meet often, and in her I found an older wise woman in whom I could confide and grow with. When my parents split up I remember feeling shame and embarrassment, I knew it was not my fault or responsibility, but the image of a whole family was a hard one to let go of. I kept to myself about my pain and the circumstances. While I have a few letters from her, I received a letter from Suzie at the most perfect time. It was short and to the point. I cried. I have kept that letter in my stack of prized possessions for 13 years. It speaks the truth. And the truth of which never changes.

The Frank's moved away when I was still in High School and so the relationship faded per consequence of time, but the footprint was still palpable. I thought of them both often, and cherished the memories of conversation, dinner, and the pursuit they both had to make sure that I was ok after my family broke up. In them I found wisdom, and I respected deeply their love for each other. Perhaps that is where my hope to one day marry my best friend began, they... were marvelous.

When I got the message that Suzie had passed away I was deeply saddened but also quite relieved her time of suffering had ended. She was courageous in her battle, and she was... just remarkable. I remember the day well. I was on my way from Indianapolis to Mason, and I was quiet the entire car ride. I remember talking to Tex that night on the phone and I remember saying out loud that I was sad about Suzie passing, but I did not elaborate. I was silent as tears streamed down my cheeks and then I went to sleep. I may not have been close to Suzie in recent years, but the impression and impact she made on my life during those 4 years of chaos has never truly left me. She stepped up to the plate when I needed a mother figure, and she loved me in ways I have yet to experience the same way.

I can't believe that it is now July 19th and I am writing about this for the first time. I think this was one of many things that I swept under the carpet in May hoping to get to those feelings on a rainy day, but the rainy day never came.

I went to her page on Facebook today not even registering that I knew that she had passed away 2 1/2 months ago. I loved being able to read messages of friendship and love left by many people that I knew growing up. One included my Mom appreciating her life, but also thanking her for loving her children. The message struck me, and well that is a whole different story.

The Lord has blessed me with women that have loved and nurtured me for years. Many of them have taken the role of sister, friend, but a select few have come along side me and loved me like their own. I learned young that while we are not able to choose our siblings, and parents- we are given a divine opportunity in Christ to extend what our family tree looks like, and in this case I was one lucky girl to have loved and been loved by such a remarkable woman.

I have her letters. And I know that the contents of which are still true. I'm thankful that today, in this moment I can read them and be thankful for the growth over time, but also for the roots and seeds she planted all those years ago that I am now returning back too. The journey continues, I am on the road. It's been an intense summer, the rainy day never came but today I was able to click a face and visit a friend... and I remembered and in her memory I found joy. But also... peace.

Jack and Jesus... or Woody and Buzz.

Jesus outside...

Jack has a hurt eye... but is a PIRATE!

I am procrastinating. Seriously I am. I have a monstrous to do list that I keep telling myself has to be done ASAP, and yet I find myself walking by the computer from time to time and I just sit. There are countless things in this house I need to do. I have laundry, I have cleaning/organizing, and I have some misc. unpacking to do.

There are pictures making their way back to their homes on walls, and I have moved some furniture around spreading out in this home now only occupied by me, Gracie, Jack and Jesus.

SO let's begin there. There was a mouse once. Then it turned into mice. With twice monthly Dodson visits, outlet sonic pitch mouse deterrents, and time the mice still fell in love with this house. I returned back from all that was this Spring last week. On Friday with Kristyn's arrival joining Mandy who came into Wednesday we saw one. A little ole cute as a button I could kill you with a shoe, Mouse. (Mandy did kill it with her Chaco). We started making calls. I was supposed to be grilling out for the girls, and Jamie was coming over. I bailed on all previously made evening plans to pursue Cats. I wanted two. I didn't care how I was going to acquire them, I was going to have two cats and the mice were going to die.

Mandy called a few places, and after finding where we could take 2 male kittens home that night we set off for Staunton. I should have followed my own intuition as the 2nd kitten... skiddish, not personable, and can I say this? Had somewhat nappy hair. I judged said kitten, and I said no. Mandy the ever advocate for loving the loveless and forgotten got me to adopt the kitten. At the counter the grey one jumped on my shoulder and we decided: Jack the Pirate. Then what would we name the other? Still to this day, I do not know how Jesus was chosen. Jesus flew out of Mandy's clutches in the parking lot, so she had to sneak underneath the neighboring Mustang to pull him out. The car ride home: two kittens scared under my seat.

Bringing them into the house went well- Gracie LOVES LOVES smaller play friends. Jack was an immediate winner, it was meant to be. Jesus? Under the couch.

So... I have two kittens. One that doesn't come inside for anything (though yesterday Kristyn and I brought him inside, and then I could not for the life of me put him back outside: NO LITTER BOX IN THIS HOUSE). Jack is now Woody, and Jesus is now Buzz. Figured they needed a dynamic duo name, however I still call Woody, Jack... and Buzz, Jesus. I can't shake it.

What I like about Jack/Woody is that he will snuggle with Gracie and he is turning into a dog. He goes in and out of the house freely and without hesitation. He had a scratched eye, which turned into an enormous vet bill, for which I paid because I was already attached to him... but more importantly: no noises, no scurries, no remains of said MICE.

So today I am cleaning every last corner, cabinet, and closet to start fresh and clean so that if said mice are really still here, that there hiding places and paths would be known. Well I am trying to clean and stay focused... and yet I am here writing about kittens, mice, and all that I should be doing.

Oh but those kitties--- are restoring my sanity about this house. Praise the Lord. (and yes I mean both the real Jesus, and the feline that lives on my deck).

And now I am going to go play Super Mario Brothers to beat this game b/c K, M, and I couldn't... that to do list? It. Will. Get. Done. After... this one thing...

Technically Tomorrow.

It's technically tomorrow so I am writing. Though I have not yet gone to bed, and officially said goodbye to Friday. And I have many things worth writing about that require pictures, and well those are still being housed by my memory card. So blogging with pictures will have to wait...

BUT I am awake... which is typical these days. I can't seem to get myself to fall asleep easily or stay asleep once I do. I dream weird, and while not disturbing, I always wake up and it feels like creepy de ja vu.

In the process of settling back into my house in Virginia I have had the opportunity to also procrastinate by reading/looking at items shoved into boxes or tucked away in drawers. This evening I pulled out of a box three moleskine journals. One from the summer of 2007 beginning with my arrival to California. The 2nd was from Matty to document and record Thailand. The last one began at some point last year. I am now nearing the completion of my fourth, and while its taken the longest (writing in the past year has been infrequent and difficult: that should have been a very large warning sign to myself about my stability!), I still love what the pages contain.

I opened up Summer of 2007 journal and I began reading just now. A few things struck me:

1) I have been using the same type of pen for years now and I love it still.

2) My handwriting. I really like it. I wish I could make it into a font.

3) The things I struggled with then are the same exact things I struggle with now.

4) I recognize me, but I am thrilled that tonight I can say that I have grown up and beyond the version of me on the pages and that I am more at peace then I have ever been.

5) I write about the same people as I do now. Matty, Mandy, Julie, Family, Tex is in there (oh those early days before complicated friendship ensued), Emily, Jesus, etc. This particular point brings comfort that I am still loving the same people today as I was then.

6) I was really anxious about my Thailand trip, and while I didn't speak of it, there are pages where I am just praying and stressing about it. Strange that of all the places I have been, and things I have done I was most broken there. And yet, when I read through the Thailand Moleskine I don't yet know it. Documentation is funny. In the midst of the train wreck... sometimes we have no idea. (that feels like the story of my life pre-China... and soon we can laugh about that, just not yet).

7) A favorite quote from a book I was reading in October in regards to living with Christ:

"When you run ahead of me, you end up doing what I've asked you to do in your own strength rather than mine. Instead of being cloaked in the sweetness of my spirit, your efforts are cloaked in your flesh. And sometimes my dear daughter, your flesh ain't that easy to receive."

8) My last entry in this book comes December 4, 2007. I write about a sermon I heard about Mountain Top experiences. I have had SEVERAL experiences on top of some amazing mountains in my life, and most especially since the beginning of this Summer 2007 black book. I am humbled and amazed by the boldness Christ has given me to pursue time away with Him alone in the river close to home, and the salt water in Oceans far away. The 2nd of these quotes I wish I knew in my mind then just believing its true in my heart.

"We don't live on the mountains. We live in the valley. The valley is where life is."

"What He says about us is true. Amidst what I thought about myself or what others say, If Jesus is sufficient we wouldn't always try to live on the mountain tops. Yet we spent so much energy trying to recapture them."

9) I need to remember to write. Sometimes I stop because I don't want to read later what I had to say. Other times its because people cheat and read the blog before pursuing me. Most of the time however it is because while writing is cathartic and its a discipline that I hate and love equally, I don't always push myself to put words to things I think and instead act out instead of living. I have thought about changing the blog address, putting up some boundaries by invitation only, and better protecting the space in which I have found here. Yet whenever those thoughts come there is usually one random person who had bookmarked this place when I began and had found their way back, and just wrote to say hello or to comment on something I had to say. The world in that moment feels instantly smaller, and I remember that words have power, words are important.... and that I need to remember to write more, and write still.

10) The last thing that struck me about this little black book filled with scribbles, sermon notes, song lyrics, desperate pleas in prayer, and just random thoughts about life and the past was (besides that I wish NO ONE to ever read them), is that life isn't safe. There are few guarantees. In this book I was sitting on my bench on the pier in Santa Monica for the first time. I was revisiting Bakersfield after 2 years away. I drove between points on the West Coast with all the windows open and the air conditioning on because it was so hot. I came home and claimed September 6th to be the day to radically change the course of a friendship. I had an insanely inappropriate conversation with someone in the midst of a Margarita night in Florida. I laughed until I cried. I drove home on 64 following a Black Silverado. I went and saw many friends, and made many new ones... and I boldly chose to see the world because I knew that this was the time. This book is pre-Thailand, pre-BB&T, pre-silent treatment and pre-family meltdown. It is before all that shaped the year that follows it happened. It is simply me- jumping and believing without a single shred of doubt, that Jesus would catch me.

I need. To. Remember. Her.

(and I need to write more).

More to come. I promise.

Love.Love.

I Will Write. I Will. Tomorrow.

I will write.

I will write.

I will write.

But for now I am wrapping up a week long sister fest with Kristyn Piper and Mandy Stegman.

We've had tons of adventures, played in the Ocean and the River... have had some tasty dinners, and laughed until tears came.

Life in the USA has been intense- married off a sister, and am back in Virginia.

But, I will write.

I will write.

I will write.

Tomorrow.

LOVE.

Andy & Woody

It is well known and understood that I am passionate about Disney and Pixar movies. I have been looking forward to Toy Story 3 for a long time, and now freshly returned to the States, I was able to see it. Tex warned me that it was emotional, and of course my reaction was "what? Do Buzz Lightyear and Woody die in a fire?" (that was a random question, I didn't cheat).

In the end however resolution came, and the most poignant exchange of friendship was expressed.

I... was beside myself.

I... was silent in my tears.

For all that Tex and I have been through in the past three years, and the relationship pursued and prayed for, there is one aspect that I have never once doubted. And that is that we were best friends. Meant to nurture, challenge, and care for one in another in a capacity we had not yet experienced outside of our relationships with Jesus. I have experienced the joy of that friendship for a long time, and in the span of dating knew that everything after the commitment would put the original friendship at risk. While the context of our relationship continues to be molded and changed by the intentions- and though we are taking a step back, and apart... I know that by actively pursuing truth and Jesus what matters most in this moment is not what we have determined in dating or not, but the friendship at the core.

Sitting in my movie seat I knew that despite all that has happened between us, and all that has been said... I knew that what Andy spoke about Woody in passing him over to Bonnie was true of Andrew and I. In my heart, and through my tears having been so deeply moved by the ending, I wished more then anything that I could lean over and hook my pinkie with Andrew's and be silent having just heard exactly what is known between us, defended before others, and have fiercely fought for.

'Now *Andrew, he's been my pal for as long as I can remember. He's brave, like a cowboy should be. And kind, and smart. But the thing that makes *Andrew special, is he'll never give up on you... ever. He'll be there for you, no matter what."

I am absolutely certain that sentiment is mutual with thanksgiving, with a promise found in the linking of two pinkies to protect the core, rain, shine, hurt and happiness. No matter what.