Words.

I don't write here as much. I have been trying to write more in my Moleskine, but there is always this terrifying thing about watching my hand move across the page knowing that my words are in ink... and one day maybe I will lose the book and it will be found by  a stranger and I will be read by someone I never knew... even more terrifying is the notion that those that I know and love will one day pour themselves over the pages and read my inner thoughts, my hopes, heart dreams, judgements, hurts, hardships... and more then the things intimate and specific to me, the most wonderful stories of love I have ever experienced will no longer be secrets. In light of writing more on the page with a pen, the time I have spent sitting here with my computer and just rambling about whatever song lyric I happen to be obsessed with, or whatever issue of the heart I am working through has diminished. I got an email today from a close friend asking where the blog entries went. I struggle tonight as I sit here because I don't want to say anything here that I have not already trusted a friend with. I want to be sure that I am continuing to invest in relationships that matter, and not taking each random thought, feeling, or struggle to be only vented in the context of the world wide web. But, I don't really have words for what I am thinking these days but wanted to write anyway. 

Tomorrow begins what will be a very very busy 12 days. I am going out to Richmond to pick up one picture from the Gallery as the exhibit closed today, and I actually SOLD my picture of the boat in Thailand. I can't believe it... I'm thrilled. I will wake up, get ready, put on a fun dress and head out for my drive out across the mountain to the city... and will take myself out to lunch to hopefully see my favorite bartender at the Cheesecake Factory. While not particularly thrilled about the drive, I am ready with a sermon or two and am looking forward to the familiar comfort of the 6 weeks I spent this spring going to class. I miss the schedule of the class and the stimulation, which is good momentum to build as I prepare for Italy. 

Oh yes my European Adventure. Next blog post I will write about that... but for now I must go to bed. 

Love.Love.

Me

House

I am having one of those nights that I simply love my house. I woke up this morning and went on a super cleaning/organizational rampage through each and every room seeking to complete the project of the carpet installation. I left for the garbage run, grabbed a Diet Coke at McD's along with a small fry, and headed out to camp to see Jamie in the kitchen who called to say he was out there doing work crew. We chatted it up while he cleaned out the fryer, and I love that in the midst of the kitchen with people bustling around, he gets straight to business and tells me exactly what is going on in his life, in real depth none of this surfacey "I'm good" stuff. I think this is one of my most favorite things about my friendship with Jamie, he's always honest, he's always real, and he's never afraid to tell me exactly what is going on. 

He left to hang out with some guys that he brought with him, and I spent some time talking and hanging out in the kitchen. An hour or so later... well two hours later I got into my car to finish the errands of the day and to head back to the house. When I got home I put groceries away and worked a little more on laundry, vacuuming, and general things. Nothing glitzy or glamorous. The iPod was blaring, the windows were all open, I put the Bistro lights on outside and it just felt good to be home. I have the house to myself for a few more weeks before Melanie and Sadie move in. I'm excited about having a new roommate, and puppy in the house, there is no hesitation. From the very moment Melanie told me she was offered a job, I enthusiastically replied "you are moving in!!". That time is almost here, and while I am excited, I am also enjoying the little bit of time I have left without the consideration of messy dishes, stereo volume, or coordinating a house social calender. 

I began this school season with Mandy and Theresa both moving out, and I adjusted to what that meant and looked like fairly easily... nothing else in my life was particularly easy this fall, but living here on my own brought comfort and I enjoyed it. The Lord has blessed me in abundance. Complete and total overwhelming abundance. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my head with thoughts of control that lead me emotionally out of control, that I forget to simply pause and say thanks to the Savior for all that I have. My grateful heart tends to gravitate more towards things of emotion, having gotten through something difficult, a relationship on track, or in anticipating the perfect plans he has for my future. I don't often pause and simply bask in the goodness of a home that I feel safe in. I feel protected, sheltered, comfortable, and safe in my own skin. On this night, with the rain having stopped and the house fan moving cool air through each room I am struck by the goodness of this time and experience of my life. One day in the future my home will no longer be just mine, but that of my family. I will have little people crawling at my feet begging for attention, and a spouse to attend to with tender care and affection. Home will mean something completely different and wonderful. There are moments when I have a strong desire for that future more then I'm able to appreciate the now. 

This house has been a blessing to me, and to the girls that have lived here. I love them, and I love the honorary roommate we had when three became four with Matty. I love that I am almost 100% finished with my project, that I can sit here in my work room and feel at ease because the clutter and confusion of every last thing I owned is now returned to its rightful place. 

In a few weeks a beloved friend and her puppy will join me here. Home will again look different, and I will be thankful for the amazing ways the Lord loves us and opens our hearts for more on this adventure. But tonight... on this night I seek not the future of next month, or the one that awaits in the wings of an unknown time... right now, right here, I love and am grateful for my place here alone, here on White Oak Lane.

Rescue

I am supposed to be moving everything I pulled out of the four bedrooms for the carpet installation back into their appropriate home. I got motivated, I did stuff for about an hour... and then I stopped. I am now sitting in my work room in my favorite striped chair procrastinating the ridiculous task I so desire to complete, but can not muster the motivation. 

Since my last post during a really hard day, I have continued to be busy. Jessica came into town from Kentucky which was as always, amazing fun. We took a road trip out to Williamsburg and went to Busch Gardens with Chad, Tex, Matty, and Erin. The weather was great until it turned into a chilly late afternoon- and the rides did not disappoint. I tend to people watch in general, I think its one of my favorite things to do when I'm traveling on my own- I imagine who people are, what their stories are, where they're going and where they've been. Sometimes in the midst of a group I will zone out and just think quietly to myself about the strangers that brush my shoulders. I found myself going in and out of space cadet thoughts all day, and then combining that with hysterical laughter while spinning around in a tea cup with Chad and Tex. It was in fact a great day, and I am looking forward to the next afternoon spent in the park with our "fun saver pass" which is a great perk of being a Virginia Resident. 

This morning I probably started my day off on the wrong foot, but I couldn't help it. While having my breakfast I watched Home Extreme Makeover from this past weekend. The family chosen for the house had lost theirs in a fire a year ago, and then their son drowned while trying to save their father who had also drowned. A family of seven was reduced to five in an accident that claimed their father's life and in the sacrifice of one life for another... the family remains broken hearted. I don't know how anyone really survives that sort of loss. A line spoken by the mother about her husband and son's relationship was poignant and completely made me cry in the midst of the story, "Mark would not have come up to the surface without his Father". I can appreciate the sappiness and the heart felt emotion of Ty whenever he gets all wrapped up in his duties as host. I love it. He posed a question about heroism, "do we have the kind of love that would go below the surface, and not let go?" 

I have thought about that question all morning. I have thought a lot about sacrifice, death, and renewed life a lot since Easter. I have been blessed with a relationship with Christ for the past 14 years... which just sounds weird typing that out. There are several ways that I could grow, and sometimes I get lost on how slow my walk has been at times, and in other periods of my life I've grown quickly and abundantly. In my thoughts about Easter, I have tried to understand sacrifice, its definitive power over what Love is, and how to live in accordance with that purpose. A son drowned while trying to save his father. A father gave His only son to save His children. 

I have been tremendously blessed in my life with those that have loved me, completely and totally without reservation. I am challenging, stubborn, complicated, ridiculous, and more often then not just closed off about things of a hurtful nature. I have not drowned because of the blessings of the Father, the work He has done in my heart as I have sought him through varying situations, hurts, joys, and trials. I have also been rescued by his work in others, that in their pursuit to love as he loves- have jumped into the water with me and kept me afloat. 

As time passes I gain perspective, and hindsight is always 20/20. I'm thankful that in the midst of struggle I am learning how to be more able to accept the help I need, and not get wrapped up so tight into not wanting to be vulnerable. Taking some time to reflect, I have seen more and more, and I have remembered more and more things said, cards sent, silent emotions in shared tears... and I am thankful that I know sacrificial love in my life from Christ, but also in his people. Looking back and reflecting in that way is humbling and encouraging. 

One time last year I remember sharing a Waffle House late night chat, and the next day feeling strange about some of the topics covered and that weird vulnerable/nakedness feeling as I thought and broke apart details of the conversation. At some point the next evening for no apparent reason my friend whom I shared such things of significance with called to tell me one thing that they had been thinking about in the day, "There is never not going to be a time I won't be there for you. Never." I remember responding by saying thank you, and that I appreciated the call. It was the only thing said before we hung up. 

In the midst of life changes, growth, fear, control, and time... the other day I thought about the friend that called only to say that to me a year ago. The sentiment has been fulfilled, I have not been disappointed in that place. At the time it was said, it felt a lot like a hand reaching out in the midst of the wide open ocean pulling me back into shore for a rest. 

Those are the people I know that the only reaction would be to jump in, and hope to break the surface together. Having been loved that way through difficult, emotional, hurtful, and unpredictable times allows the response to always be, "there is never not going to be a time I won't be there for you. Never".

"I would swim out to save you

In your sea of broken dreams,

When all your hopes are sinking, 

let me show you what love means..."

A Struggle

Today was strange. 

It was beautiful and the sun was shining... but I woke up with the worst headache that the only way to find some relief was to take Aleve and go back to bed for two hours. Something about a mid morning nap completely threw my day off. I didn't feel like myself and continued to notice my complete lack of my short term memory. Recently, I have forgotten where I've put things, what the point of a task was as I was beginning it, and simple moments I've found myself just sort of lost and confused. It has been the weirdest few days, and today just made me feel anxious. I look at my to do list for the weekend ahead, and even in the next few weeks and I just think, "what am I forgetting? what am I missing?", so in turn I've also become obsessive compulsive... which makes me feel like I'm crazy.

I think I just need to breathe. I have already taken Diet Coke out of my daily life, but am now drinking Iced Tea... which as Matty saw tonight when I was talking to him in his kitchen, has made me jittery. Is tomorrow the day I attempt a caffeine free existence? (I am pouting at that statement). 

I have also purchased the American Idol version of "Falling Slowly" and listened to it on repeat for over an hour tonight as I've talked on my phone and online. I find some sort of comfort right now in the repetition (which as of right now is 19 times- and by the time I finished writing this? 32).

I feel like I'm running myself in circles in my head, can't get myself to just sit still... I need someone to spend the day with me just to keep me intentional about what I need to accomplish, to ask me if I did my to-do list because I'm unable to focus my attention on anything. But even more then someone keeping me on task, I really need someone to force me to sit down, hold my hand, and just guide me through some breathing exercises. I was asked today what I did, and how it was. I stood there trying to describe it, and my heart just started racing. Not because anything bad happened, or because anything good did. I think I just felt anxious all day for no reason. A mark of growth however is that instead of making idle conversation generically about my day, I was honest: today was strange. Today was hard. I am praying that tomorrow is not like today.

A struggle. 

A day that will end soon, and a new one will begin.

Praise the Lord. 

Four

It has been awhile. 

I have not written here, there, or anywhere really. Which is too bad because there are lots of things that I could have worked through in my head and benefited from getting them all out in the open. But somewhere along the way I began censoring myself... and found myself rambling in phone calls and using up more minutes in the last bill cycle then I am even able to understand. I talked on my phone for 2,000 minutes (including in network calls, and nights and weekends). I talked a lot. Thank the Lord for saved up rollover minutes and increased calling plans. Now, we are back to normal and I find myself almost avoiding my phone. 

I am trying to think about what I've been inspired by recently as to start opening up the window to how I've been doing, where I've been, and what's next. A list... of course will help:

1) I made it into the Gallery in Richmond that I was stressed about. It was amazing. Humbling. I wished for friends, I wished for a "pause" button on the experience, just so I could absolutely remember what it felt like for the first time to see something of my own among 43 others that I also admired. It was a moment. It was complicated, and it was emotional... but it was mine and I am ever thankful for it.

2) I went to Ohio for a quick weekend to spend time with Kerri for her "Girls Night Out", and Bridal Shower. I met Kerri when she was on work crew in 2003, and a few years later we met up again at camp and became great friends. I consider her friendship so precious, and someone who has spoken truth and wisdom to my anxious heart. She calms me down. She affirms in me that I'm on the right path, I'm loving the right way, and that the gifts in my life are to be protected and fought for. She is a bride, and she's planning her perfect day to begin her happily ever after with Justin, and I was so inspired by the pursuit of the Lord in each detail of her life: in work, in her relationship with Justin, and her constant care and Godly perspective to me in my own chaos. One of my favorite memories with Kerri will always be the "Day Three Dates" she, Mark, and I went on every week during the summer of 2007 when they interned. The dinners out turned into a long weekend visiting my mom in Naples, Florida at the end of the summer- and sometimes I still look at those pictures and wish for an instant to be back on the beach laughing with them. Our friendship has grown leaps and bounds since that summer, and the depth of our caring and sharing have helped me through significant challenges and sadness's. She is one of those friends that after I get off the phone with her I feel like I can tackle the world, and when I know that I desperately want to give up in a particular area that she will refuse to give me that permission. She challenges me to continue to love. She pushes me to keep opening up. I am inspired by having that sort of friend in my life. 

3) Sometimes to get through, we've got to go back. Back to basics. Back to the truth. I have sensed a particular area of my life spiral out of control the more that I have tried to hold onto it. This may not make sense to those of you who are reading this, but I know that to a few: you know exactly what I'm talking about. Like I've previously written about, I have sensed my heart go back to things of the past in my heart: holding in and holding back. Closing up and closing down. I have held things from those who love me because I have been scared to be vulnerable and I have not trusted that my heart would be met with what I need. A breakthrough finally happened, when a breakdown in a friendship occurred. A hard moment, and an over reaction broke open the topic of what was happening- and shed a light that my desire to protect and guard was not working, and I was holding onto those two ideas so tightly that I was causing the bigger picture to fall apart. I got it. I finally saw that to love, and to love the way I've always been led too means that I can't hold in, hold back, close up, or close down. I was just trying to "be smart", and in that process I found doubt in a friendship, lack of trust in the future, and my gut trying to get me to do something different that I couldn't handle. In the end all my praying for the Lord to guide my steps, change my ears, align my vision, and render my heart started being answered, and the path I found myself on, the conversation I was able to hear, the love I was beginning to see and my heart that was opened up took me someplace completely different. It took me back to basics. It had me letting go of what wasn't working so that I could grasp what was going to change everything. 

4) I continue to be moved by music, lyric, melody and ballads. Shuffle has continued to make me laugh, and I was able to make a play list the other day mostly by songs that I have heard multiple times in the mode of random selection on my iPod. I have listened to in the car, and in the house and while I know the lyrics to each and every one of the 18 songs... I have found myself drifting off in thought and then reconnecting to the song by noticing a part I never had before, or appreciating how each one on the list remind me of what truth of love and friendship are. Some songs make me laugh, some get me choked up, but all of them have a purpose and I love that. I love that I can quote a line about how each one makes me feel, or what it reminds me of. In my pictures I hear countless lyrics painted in each skyline, and I hear the melodies of conversations I've had with my friends in quiet moments when capturing the view. I am still coordinating my trip for the summer, waiting for some confirmation emails... but I know that I will be taking an adventure and on that trip I will bring with me an iPod with a play list or two from friends, but also one that plays like a conversation between friends... and I will love having that with me while I am away because I will want that more then anything else.