While we were looking over the Declaration of Independence, the security guard lady pointed out a hand print in the glass. I asked if they knew who's hand the print belonged too and she replied with a "No, but they know- they know everything." I laughed and remarked that we all know that there is a 'book of secrets' from the National Treasure sequel. The lady laughed and continued to chat for about 5 minutes. She told us all about her job and how when the first National Treasure film was released how insane the tourism was to see the sights in DC, most especially the Constitution. I remarked at her vulnerblity when sharing aspects of her job that she struggled with, and I laughed with her as she told stories about crazy visitors. Tex and I stood there and listened to each story and anecdote and then went back on our way. As we walked away I looked up at him and told him that the conversation and experience with the security guard was the most accurate reflection of what happens when I am away.
I have strangers talk to me about the most varying topics, and I do very little to initiate the conversations. It doesn't matter where I am, it could be on the pier in Santa Monica, standing in line at Starbucks in Indianapolis, or sitting on a train going to just about anywhere. I make friends just about everywhere and it is in those interactions that the infrequent sting of lonliness are consoled.
I suppose what drives the need to be independent in those ways comes from the fear of the future and the idea of being alone one day in mature older age. In some ways I wanted to know that I could handle vacations, meals out, movies, and exploration on my own before getting too comfortable in being part of a pair as a couple, or always relying on friends to share new places and things with. What if I never experienced solitude or real time with just me until I was 50? How scary would that be? So in deciding to handle the fear I felt, I chose to seek out things to do on my own to build confidence and ease.
It started small...with going to a movie. I followed movies with lunches or dinners out, and that turned into going into NYC for the day on my own to hang out. Two and a half years ago I accomplished my first hotel and vacation destination and it was such a liberating experience. It was fun to see things and take photos and have my own little ongoing conversation with myself. It was four days long, and I left it wanting more.
Since that trip I have enjoyed the road trips to friends and the time I've spent in the car thinking, singing to the radio, laughing at myself, and reflecting. In the past six months I have I have peppered each trip with visits to friends and family, but I have also challenged myself in the pursuit of solo travel. My 5 weeks in California in August will continue to be a memory of great joy, but also significant challenges. By the end in San Francisco I was tired and actually felt homesick for the first time and I was ready to return home. Sometimes I want nothing more then to return to those weeks of visiting my friends and family, and conquering LA and San Francisco on my own. In the same light I have loved the afternoons in bookstores, and coffee shops while friends were at work during my visit. In the most recent experience, while the company of friends in Thailand was amazing, the afternoon on the Island I claimed as my own, or the week in Hong Kong and Bangkok to experience the cities were both tremendous and I have often missed them since my return.
In my time on my own I set my pace with a "how do we get there?", figure it out and head out the door with a few essentials: wallet, room key, camera, journal, and a great pen. Whenever I feel snacky or ready for a beverage I will sit and write what I see in my journal, or what I sense in my heart that I am working through or discovering for the first time. I spend my time thinking about all of you, and contemplating life changes and what that would mean in all my relationships if I decided to move to Timbuktu, for example. I go to movies, museums, check out the landmarks of whatever city I am in, I gravitate towards Targets, I wish for a friend more then once a day, and I am thankful for the comfortability that has made such an impact in my ability to be fluid and without distress in social situations on my own.
The strangest thing is that I did not even realize how important all of these day trips, hours in the car, or extended stays on my own meant to me until recently. When writing home from Thailand to a great friend of mine, I was talking about traveling with friends and how that was posing an interesting perspective. They graciously reminded me in their response, "Remember that you are not accustomed to sharing these journeys with others and from your stories that has been one of the most rewarding parts about trips from the past." The insight struck a cord and it challenged me to step back and have some grace in the testy moments with friends, and provided the insight for me to be able to fight for some time on my own because it was important.
So, now I am home and life isn't solo anymore. I've got my dog in tow, roommates in the house, and a whole network of friends that I love. I wish for all of them to experience the challenge and joy of going out and discovery some new place on their own, and I wish to know the stories and see the emotion reflected in their eyes about what they saw, learned, and touched. I know that in sharing their experience together we would find the quiet understanding of what I had searched for in my time away from Virginia...and that in finding the opportunity to go travel, also presented the opportunity to find 'me' in a new and more profound way...and perhaps in turn they also experienced such growth and joy.
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