Slow Me Down

Slow Me Down by Emmy Rossum. A song that perfectly describes Me in the most complete state of life...a friend of mine told me I would love it, and she was right.  

I nearly smile when listening to it, and then part of me accepts the challenge of being aware of the tendencies it describes and how I need to be better about "slowing down". This phrase is brought into a giggle when I think about the many clumsy falls, sprained ankles, and pure carelessness that has brought upon injury in my childhood in which my dad would respond "Kari, slow the hell down". It's something I've taken with me into adulthood, and as I continue to race through life in a feverous pace this song has challenged me to grow up and beyond what the lyrics contain.

I need to calm my heart. I need to focus some of my energy on being still. The pace in which we all keep is so manic and chaotic, I wonder how any of us have time to really rest. A few summers ago I started something absolutely ridiculous, but is a true reflection of the stress I wasn't handling well. I was very strung out and unable to calm down during one summer at camp. This inability to relax started invading things that I typically enjoyed, like watching movies. Well, one day I discovered that if you put the subtitles on while watching a DVD, and fast forward at the same time, you can essentially read the entire movie and see the action at a much quicker rate. I was so paralyzed by my attention span that enjoying a movie could only be accomplished if I knew how it ended as soon as possible. I realize how ridiculous this is. I understand that it would have been better to just not watch the movie, and instead go to the YMCA. Fact is, my coping mechanism was just to keep going and pretend to be as normal as possible. While this little habit has become a much more manageable frustration, I only resort to fast forward when a movie is simply terrible. I can look back now and see how my inability to focus my energy on things true and productive starting stealing joy from things that I have always enjoyed. 

Knowing this about myself is just half the battle. It's more then keeping a social schedule that most people would balk at. I need to remember there is more to life then savoring the sunset. Life just isn't in the beginnings and endings, and I think because I am so inspired by these bookends that I forget sometimes that the meat is in the middle. I keep racing through life I forget to ease through the motions, let their smaller significance mold me in larger and more impressionable ways. 

I have lived so much of my life recently away from my routine of home, that planes, trains, and automobiles have provided the time to think and reflect. When traveling I gravitate for the bookstore lazy afternoons, the coffee shop rest stops, the drives around a new city getting my bearings, the afternoons on the Pier's just gazing out at the Ocean, it has been in the nuggets of time walking up and down the beach on my own, which have all facilitated an ongoing conversation with the Lord that I think in some ways I waited forever for the voice to have. I think my solo travel was the answer to a prayer and a hope of greater awareness and growth: "Lord, make me more like you. Show me where I can grow. Reveal to me how to rely only on you for company". With the backdrops of new cities and landscapes I  was met when I had no where to be, nothing to do, except hang out with Jesus, and to hear what He had to say when there wasn't anyone else around to drown out His voice. 

I thought that the time away was for the adventure and to live for a little while without a plan. I knew that I would create memories, visit with loved ones who are seen too infrequently, and to enjoy the grand opportunity of being able to not work for awhile. The real adventure was one of self, and that is the adventure that continues to be revealed to me as I have rejoiced and struggled to settle down into my life at home and allow the process of placing roots begin. 

As I write this I am reminded of the people in my life that the Lord has placed that have reminded me to take time for myself, to calm down, settle down, and chill out. They have also been the same people that have allowed me to be who I am, even if that means pushing myself a little too hard, being a little too social, going a little too fast. They have not tried to preach to me to become someone I am not, they have just tried to encourage me to find the balance in the inbetween. I love these people. I need them. 

I can still hear the voice of my Dad telling me to 'slow the hell down' when I trip up on the sidewalk, or when I carelessly forget important details because I was so focused something insignificant. I laugh when I realize how right he was then, and how he continues to speak truth about the adult I am growing up and into with such a simple declaration of caution. 

Some lyrics from Slow Me Down:

Rushing and racing and running in circles

Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose

Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning getting nowhere

Save me

Somebody take my hand and lead me

Slow me down

Don't let love pass me by

Just show me how

Cause I'm ready to fall

Slow me down

Don't let me live me a lie

Before my life flies by

I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear 

In the blur of fast forward I falter again

Forgetting to breathe

I need to sleep 

All that I've missed I see in the reflection

Pass me while I wasn't paying attention

Tired of rushing, racing and running