Restless

Have you ever loved a song for years, known all the words to that song, and then one day listen to it and realize that you never really paid attention to how it relates to your life?

I put an old Sara Evans song on my play list for the drive out to Kentucky called "Restless". This song was on an older album of hers, and I have always liked it but maybe when I first found it I appreciated the sound more then the lyrical content. Tonight I was driving back from UK Young Life Leadership and was listening to the song and heard almost for the first time:

I'm a leaf on the river
Fallen from a tall oak tree
Drifting down this moving stream
Wherever this life carries me
I'm a tumbleweed
In the desert wind
Just tumblin'
While the sun's shinin'
I have no boundaries
Call me a gypsy

I'm restless
Just ramblin'
What do you do, where do you go
When nowhere feels like home?
I'm restless

I joked with a friend in emails during my Thailand trip by signing off on each message as 'the gypsy', which is a true characterization of my life since last summer. Listening to this song tonight I could relate to the idea of movement and not settling in one place, even if I don't agree with the idea that nowhere feels like home. My current issue is that I have a few places that feel like home- quite the contrary from the song lyric. 

I wonder if I am always going to be restless. I have tried to break down the idea that I could be settled, where that could happen, and if my personality would ever naturally be submissive to the concept. I may fight through decisions, and I may hesitate in the process, but I am ever thankful that I have gone where called and felt led even if it was not what I wanted. I feel like I am in that place right now. I have been praying for the direction I'm supposed to go in, and I have felt pulled in many different places. I know that the Lord will not send me a map of my life with stars highlighting the answers to my questions. Instead I have been trying to respond to the insight of people that love me, I have been pursuing dreams in prayer, thought and visitation, and most of all I have lived in this in between stage and have felt encouraged by the fact I have slowed my controlling brain down to the extent that I have. 

So restless. I'm a gypsy. What do I do, where do I go, when everywhere feels like home?

Kentucky Home

I have had a whirlwind of two days. Less then 48 hours ago I was landing in Richmond from Colorado with Theresa, and now I am sitting in Jessica's townhouse in Kentucky. I am lucky that I have so many wonderful friends scattered across the country, but sprinkled in those destinations  in visiting are a few places that I absolutely love. Kentucky, well you sure are one of those.

I have been here a dozen times in the past few years, and each time I am here it is much like returning home. In light of the decision making process regarding my future, I am not going to pretend that being here right now isn't confusing to my heart. The opportunities for employment expand in the larger town, and the friendships that I have here would only grow. I understand that there are always going to be places that I love and will want to live in for some period of time, how do you balance a sense of home in visiting and feeling called to live somewhere permanently?

One of the greatest parts about today was actually the drive out here. I spent a little over 5 hours in the car driving across West Virginia and into Kentucky listening to a play list that was 66 songs long. I listened to the nearly entire thing, and even had time to obsess over a handful of favorites contained in the list:

1) City by Sara Bareillis

2) As I'm Leaving: David Gray

3) Hollywood's Not America: Ferras

In addition to listening to the play list I spent a lot of time thinking about all the tugs on my heart I have felt in the past week about where I could go. I have been inspired about "k.boo", I have actually started writing with intention, and I have been pursuing all my options. I had a lot of fun talking to Gracie who came along on this road trip and pretending she was human...well kind of. I would ask "Hey Gracie, do we need to stop and pee? Are you thirsty? Are we having fun yet?" 

Now that we are settling down, watching tivo'd American Idol its time to turn the over analytical brain off and head to bed. 

9 Lives

It would figure that being away from home for the first time in four weeks would open up all sorts of creative thoughts on my future and my life. Perhaps it is because I am without distraction from the daily goodness of my life that is contained in my community.

Since arriving in CO, Theresa has joked about me finding a job here and moving. I do not want to live here, but the notion of finding employment outside of Virginia has started to shift some ideas in my heart that I did not expect. I think it is important to also say to those of my friends in Lexington at this juncture: I am not itching to go anywhere. It is all a process that I am learning continues as I piece together what my life is, and could be. 

Perhaps it is my innate nature that doesn't want to stay in one place that is beginning the process of analyzing my options in a different capacity. Am I always going to want to be on the go? Is staying still scarier then never having one place to be rooted? 

Being in your 20's is not easy. I have known this for the entire span I have lived through and often remark that we all survive them. Trying to determine the route of our lives independently from our parents is difficult, and I thought that once you break free from what your family expects for you that the rest is easier. Hah, no its not easier. It's so much more complicated because life presents so many more options then before! 

There are the safe bets, there are the decisions that come quickly and easily we don't know if we were making them or if God just moved us through the motions...and then there are these grand questions and choices that we stand on the edge debating and procrastinating. 

I wish I had 9 lives like a cat, although I'd chose to be a dog because I love my dog, and I imagine her life is pretty fantastic. If I could do 9 random things in those lives they would consist of:

1) Culinary school in Tuscany. 

2) Running an ice cream shop on some beautiful Island in the tropics.

3) Travel writing

4) Full time social coordinator  

5) Event and Wedding planner

6) Photography in some capacity with travel

7) Working on a television show as their Music Director

8) Working with some musical artist to manage their merchandise

9) Bed and Breakfast owner

Colorado Springs

So far so good. The air is thinner, the sun is brighter, the food comes in a much wider variety, and the people watching is hysterical. I don't know how many times Theresa and I have remarked that our friend Dave Holmes should live here, he would fit right in (the CO Granola Atmosphere would provide endless amounts of joy for him). 

We arrived on Thursday afternoon after a busy day of driving to the airport in Richmond and napping on air planes. It was fun to have someone to fly with as per my routine of solo travel, and we were able to speculate what our trip out west would look like. In addition to the purpose of this visit which was to see and hang out with Alicia, we have seen some really cool stuff. The Garden of the God's was beautiful even though Pike's Peak was covered with clouds... and we were able to walk around and enjoy the mild weather. 

Friday Alicia took us out to Frontier and Trail West, which was really great as we've never seen those two properties. An absolute highlight was seeing Tricia (the National Retail YL Manager), and having lunch with her in the small town of Buena Vista. I also loved seeing Meredith (the Store Manager at Frontier), and Julie (a chef at Trail West), as they have been fun friends to make and know through Young Life. Little reunions are always fun. 

The great thing about seeing YL Camps is the idea that while I no longer am on staff, my relationship to Rockbridge is still so strong- so the idea of "We're all in this together, we are all serving the same God for the same purpose", really means quite a bit when you see partners in the Ministry. I have been so blessed by relationships when working on staff, and being able to connect with some of those friendly faces during the day on Friday meant quite a bit.  

Today was probably one of those days that comes along in a blue moon, you always think you are going to make time for it when you are at home in your routine but the truth is, you never seem too. Theresa and I headed out around 10am, grabbed breakfast at a great local joint and then walked the cute little downtown area. We stopped in some gift shops that inspired me, and made me really want to pursue having my own shop... this is a good thing- even if the notion completely overwhelms me. We sat at Pikes Perk a local coffee shop and had the best people watching- from a gambling addict talking on the phone next to us about how much he lost recently, his three legged dog, a mid 30 something man and woman on their blind date and their awkward conversation and body language...to just the every day Joe's and plain Jane's of the area. We moved along to Chipotle for lunch (a shout out to Stegs), then continued on our way. We both spent a ridiculous sum of money on shoes that we thought about before buying (we walked around the block for 10 minutes and then went back in to debate the purchases for a good 30 minutes before a credit card was swiped). Moving along to a fantastic used book store/gift shop/coffee shop/wine bar/chocolate bar we spent another chunk of time sipping hot beverages, reading and writing, people watching, and thinking "wow what a great day". We returned back to Alicia's around 6:15pm after spending the entire day on a stretch of town not much longer then 6 blocks (well, it could be bigger I'm just bad with distances like that). 

We've had a lot of great moments, sincere belly aching laughs, meaningful conversations, and quiet restful times to enjoy the in-between. It's been a great trip. We are thankful for it, each other, and the great hospitality provided by Alicia.

Slow Me Down

Slow Me Down by Emmy Rossum. A song that perfectly describes Me in the most complete state of life...a friend of mine told me I would love it, and she was right.  

I nearly smile when listening to it, and then part of me accepts the challenge of being aware of the tendencies it describes and how I need to be better about "slowing down". This phrase is brought into a giggle when I think about the many clumsy falls, sprained ankles, and pure carelessness that has brought upon injury in my childhood in which my dad would respond "Kari, slow the hell down". It's something I've taken with me into adulthood, and as I continue to race through life in a feverous pace this song has challenged me to grow up and beyond what the lyrics contain.

I need to calm my heart. I need to focus some of my energy on being still. The pace in which we all keep is so manic and chaotic, I wonder how any of us have time to really rest. A few summers ago I started something absolutely ridiculous, but is a true reflection of the stress I wasn't handling well. I was very strung out and unable to calm down during one summer at camp. This inability to relax started invading things that I typically enjoyed, like watching movies. Well, one day I discovered that if you put the subtitles on while watching a DVD, and fast forward at the same time, you can essentially read the entire movie and see the action at a much quicker rate. I was so paralyzed by my attention span that enjoying a movie could only be accomplished if I knew how it ended as soon as possible. I realize how ridiculous this is. I understand that it would have been better to just not watch the movie, and instead go to the YMCA. Fact is, my coping mechanism was just to keep going and pretend to be as normal as possible. While this little habit has become a much more manageable frustration, I only resort to fast forward when a movie is simply terrible. I can look back now and see how my inability to focus my energy on things true and productive starting stealing joy from things that I have always enjoyed. 

Knowing this about myself is just half the battle. It's more then keeping a social schedule that most people would balk at. I need to remember there is more to life then savoring the sunset. Life just isn't in the beginnings and endings, and I think because I am so inspired by these bookends that I forget sometimes that the meat is in the middle. I keep racing through life I forget to ease through the motions, let their smaller significance mold me in larger and more impressionable ways. 

I have lived so much of my life recently away from my routine of home, that planes, trains, and automobiles have provided the time to think and reflect. When traveling I gravitate for the bookstore lazy afternoons, the coffee shop rest stops, the drives around a new city getting my bearings, the afternoons on the Pier's just gazing out at the Ocean, it has been in the nuggets of time walking up and down the beach on my own, which have all facilitated an ongoing conversation with the Lord that I think in some ways I waited forever for the voice to have. I think my solo travel was the answer to a prayer and a hope of greater awareness and growth: "Lord, make me more like you. Show me where I can grow. Reveal to me how to rely only on you for company". With the backdrops of new cities and landscapes I  was met when I had no where to be, nothing to do, except hang out with Jesus, and to hear what He had to say when there wasn't anyone else around to drown out His voice. 

I thought that the time away was for the adventure and to live for a little while without a plan. I knew that I would create memories, visit with loved ones who are seen too infrequently, and to enjoy the grand opportunity of being able to not work for awhile. The real adventure was one of self, and that is the adventure that continues to be revealed to me as I have rejoiced and struggled to settle down into my life at home and allow the process of placing roots begin. 

As I write this I am reminded of the people in my life that the Lord has placed that have reminded me to take time for myself, to calm down, settle down, and chill out. They have also been the same people that have allowed me to be who I am, even if that means pushing myself a little too hard, being a little too social, going a little too fast. They have not tried to preach to me to become someone I am not, they have just tried to encourage me to find the balance in the inbetween. I love these people. I need them. 

I can still hear the voice of my Dad telling me to 'slow the hell down' when I trip up on the sidewalk, or when I carelessly forget important details because I was so focused something insignificant. I laugh when I realize how right he was then, and how he continues to speak truth about the adult I am growing up and into with such a simple declaration of caution. 

Some lyrics from Slow Me Down:

Rushing and racing and running in circles

Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose

Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning getting nowhere

Save me

Somebody take my hand and lead me

Slow me down

Don't let love pass me by

Just show me how

Cause I'm ready to fall

Slow me down

Don't let me live me a lie

Before my life flies by

I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear 

In the blur of fast forward I falter again

Forgetting to breathe

I need to sleep 

All that I've missed I see in the reflection

Pass me while I wasn't paying attention

Tired of rushing, racing and running

Latest and Greatest

Today is Monday. I have officially been home for one month. Four weeks. I know that I talk a lot about, 'since being home', and such often... but its strange as I continue to get perspective on that trip the more some feelings resonate and the disbelief on the concept of time continues. 

What have a done since I've been home? I feel like my only response is 'everything'. I have found a new church I love, started a new bible study, hosted some parties, had some great lunches with friends, reconnected to important folks, gone to the Waffle House half a dozen times in important life coaching meetings... it has honestly been quite fantastic. 

This past weekend my dear friend Jessica came to visit from Kentucky. We met on Summer Staff in '03, and have remained great friends- even went to Vegas together this past August. With hosting her, came the social occasions every night- staying up and laughing, eating out at my favorite spots... just the goodness of having a friend you can be yourself around and love well is always a comfort. She toys with my heart when she talks about moving to Virginia, and I pray that some time really soon that she will make the big move.

The latest things update:

1) Jessica came and went and it was fantastic.

2) I actually went Antiquing on Saturday, and it wasn't that bad! 

3) I have fallen in love with the movie "Waitress", seriously everyone needs to watch this movie and eat some pie. It was so fantastic. Report your reactions to me. 

4) Spent some time with Theresa chatting on our favorite piece of furniture, with a movie that we aren't watching in the background.

5) Had a hysterical conversation with my Dad yesterday about church, then the Giants- and Daytona 500. I laughed really hard. And I squeaked, because, well I still don't have much of a voice. I don't understand why.

6) I am still unemployed. I am still applying for jobs. I am still waiting. 

7) I almost got rid of Ginger this weekend, but we decided to wait for Ginger to move to Kentucky.

8) I am exhausted. 

9) I am going to Colorado on Thursday and I am really excited! Really, I truly am so excited.

10) I have lots of Gold Stars on my calender from my YMCA visits, I'm feeling empowered.

Valentine's Day Joy

Today ended up being a fairly normal and fantastical Valentine's Day. I got started early with a text message from a friend waking me up telling me "Happy Love Day"... after which I could not get back settled into sleep and started my random list of errands. I hit the Y, grabbed some misc. items for my party, went to lunch with Matt- drove up to Staunton for D.Donuts Iced Coffee and grocery shopping... then came home and assembled the party of love.

I love throwing a party, and often times I sense that it truly is one of those things that I should pursue as a professional vocation. I love all aspects of the party. Menu planning, decorations, invitations, outfits, etc... tonight I was a little stressed because I did not leave nearly enough time to accomplish everything I had imagined, but it all worked out.

Valentine's Day has changed in meaning over the years. When I was in Elementary School it meant lots of candy and little cards to fill out. I remember thinking very intensely about who was going to get which Valentine and whether or not my crush would think the one I chose for him was the best. In High School we always had fundraisers to send "hugs or kisses" to each other, or silly match maker quiz things. Since the days of uniform social events I have sensed my participation in the spectacle that has become Valentines Day to an adult change and my expectations for attention and joy remain still ridiculously high. I just love parties. I just love love. There isn't anything wrong with that. 

One thing that is ever consistent on Feb. 14th, is the arrival of a card from my most favorite Man ever...my Dad. I love it. Today I got it and I smiled because I knew that it would be waiting for me. So while my ideas about what makes a Valentine's Day successful has changed from the amount of little cards and candy I received to the general goodness of great friends sitting around the table enjoying food and each other...I still look for the card from Stan the Man, and sometimes wonder if I will get flowers from a Secret Admirer. Hah, as girls, we are so ridiculous. 

I hope your day was full of love and friendship, and that you may be as blessed as I on a night such as this. 

Matty Hypes

Let me tell you about my friend Matthew David Hypes.

We met on Summer Staff in July 2003. I was a baker. He was a PM cook. I did not think he was all that fantastic. He didn't think I was all that special either.

Ha. However, on our New Year's Summer Staff Reunion I found him to be quite funny, and one of my newest favorite friends in Virginia. We played a lot of Speed Scrabble with the group, and we stayed up really late with all of our SS BFF's, and it was jolly time. Shortly after we took a fun road trip to Kentucky to visit the then Julie Berg, now Julie Michels.

In the lull's in conversation I asked ridiculous questions like, "How do you feel about the Martha Stewart trial?" or "Your thoughts on Michael Jackson?"...anything to pass the time.

We've been friends ever since- through all the drama that comes with being of the opposite sex, sharing a small community, having squabbles about ridiculous things...Matty Hypes is still one of my most favorite friends for a good solid four years after our not so great start in the kitchen.

I have a little list of my favorite things about him and our friendship and I will share them now:

1) The ability to talk endlessly about Pop Culture and debate about whether Amy Winehouse is really that big of a deal.

2) The silent competitive nature when cooking. He's truly fantastic, but I love it when I can get an affirmative reaction about my culinary skills...most recently my Won Ton Soup: delicious.

3) His random dance moves and how he attempts to sing along to every single song he hears.

4) The fact we actually went to a Justin Timberlake concert last March...umm it was amazing.

5) How he throws me parties. My return from CA was my favorite, but the birthday parties the past few years have also been quite special. He knows exactly what to make and what I like. These are important traits in such a friend. Baklava & Fish Taquitos.

6) He drives a Honda Fit, or "Jazz" if you are in Thailand.

7) How sometimes he mocks my love for Pat by singing "Almost Midnight" on the top of his lungs.

8) When I have been out of town, he babysits the Tivo to make sure that the Oprah's I want to watch are saved, and all the other misc. crap TV shows we watch are still on there.

9) We realize that we are ridiculous and that we have the ability to drive our mutual friends crazy.

10) On a sappy note, I know that there isn't anything he wouldn't do for me if I needed it. 

11) He has two shirts that are immensly important, and without realizing it he has a way of knowing the perfect days to wear them... oh the pink and yellow stripes. 

12) On the topic of clothing options: he has the clearance Old Navy Madras Shorts I despised when I worked there and he wears them proudly in Lexington, and it makes me giggle.

13) His birthday is shared with a very significant day in my life, and we are able to celebrate both. 

14) How he talks with his hands and describes his culinary creations, and he makes his own dressing.

13) When he gets mad he gets mean, but when he's funny and sarcastic you can't touch it-there ain't anyone funnier.

14) Back to my sappy note: after all of the changes and realizations he is a brother. I can't imagine the past without him, and I am thankful for the ways we have never given up on the other, even when it would have been easier. 

That's all. He's wacky, loony, a bit crazy. I'm ridiculous, particular, and also a bit crazy. It works. It didn't when it started, but we've left the frozen cookie snatching in the past and we are friends. For life. 

The End. 

Recreating the Magic and Photos

Tonight I attempted to recreate the magic that I associate with Thai food...or I think better yet- my emotional connection to Thailand in general. I have missed many things about being over there, and one of the strongest things I have found a pull too are the foods that I constantly indulged myself in.

As this week was my house dinner, I put into motion the thoughts I have had in planning my Thai feast since I was in Thailand. I purchased 10 teak wooden spoons in preparation for this night, and while shopping in markets would look towards other little trinkets to bring home with me to use in the feast I knew I'd create. Now, I am not a master chef or an educated cook at that...but I knew I could hold my own and tonight I proved that true. Somehow in the midst of researching a dozen or so recipes I was able to create something delicious, authentic, and in light of my skill level- a challenge. On the menu were dumplings, soup, pineapple fried rice, and cashew chicken. I followed recipes for the guidelines, but sincerely improvised and balanced all the flavors on my own, resulting in something I was quite proud of. 

On the TV displayed about 200 of my favorite photos from my trip in a slideshow and it was great to look up and across the room and see familiar images pass through and bring back memories of my time in such a unique country. 

Photos I have decided are magic. They are completely unlike any other tangible thing that can recall emotion, they can force a smile through eyes that just want to cry, and they can transport us magically to a moment. Tonight I looked at the photos and I remembered walking the way back from the Big C, to Tiffany's school and the way I would always walk behind Betty Cabell and let her lead the way through the streets. I thought of bringing in the New Years on the beach on Phi Phi, and all the sounds of excitement as each moment ticked closer to 2008. I remembered the smell of the market and how it was nearly impossible for me to hold myself back from gagging on the putent smell of fish, poultry, and beef.

Some photos that have meant a lot to me in my life are featured in my room. One is of my brothers Bill and Justin, Dad, and I in the water just looking up at the camera from our sailboat. I love this photo because I do not remember that moment from my own memory. I imagine that I was happy because I look happy in the photo, and I imagine that life made a lot of sense, because really, how complicated could life be to a four year old? I love this photo because it is one of the few pictures I have with myself and the men in my family. I love this photo because it creates a moment that I myself was too young to hold onto, but can enjoy as an adult. 

I have always been drawn to the art of photography, and I remember getting my first camera when I was younger. The reasons I have loved taking pictures has changed through the years. It started with wanting to document and record what I was doing in the specific time, who I was friends with, pictures of our pets, etc... most recently the driving force has not been to record what I am doing- but more about what I'm seeing, and how I have been able to view the world. My point of view. Not the story book of my life in images, but more of the story book I have on the world through my eye. The confidence that has been instilled in me regarding to this art has grown recently and I have been encouraged by friends who have loved certain shots or have appreciated the skill I didn't know I really had. I don't know what I will do with this hobby on a larger scale, if anything at all. 

What will remain are the feelings I have about what I'm looking at when I focus in on something and capture it. A moment among friends, a flower just waiting for someone to slow down and enjoy it, or the sun setting into the ocean after a long day. It is one place that I can pick out what I think is beautiful or interesting, and my objection to anything else is not hurtful...it is just what I see and nothing less. 

Solo Time

I have had some questions over the past few months regarding what I do when I travel alone and how I occupy my time. I had a great example of my experiences on Wednesday when I was hanging out in Washington, DC with Tex and we were in the Archives building looking at the fancy old documents of our Nation's History. 

While we were looking over the Declaration of Independence, the security guard lady pointed out a hand print in the glass. I asked if they knew who's hand the print belonged too and she replied with a "No, but they know- they know everything." I laughed and remarked that we all know that there is a 'book of secrets' from the National Treasure sequel. The lady laughed and continued to chat for about 5 minutes. She told us all about her job and how when the first National Treasure film was released how insane the tourism was to see the sights in DC, most especially the Constitution. I remarked at her vulnerblity when sharing aspects of her job that she struggled with, and I laughed with her as she told stories about crazy visitors. Tex and I stood there and listened to each story and anecdote and then went back on our way. As we walked away I looked up at him and told him that the conversation and experience with the security guard was the most accurate reflection of what happens when I am away. 

I have strangers talk to me about the most varying topics, and I do very little to initiate the conversations. It doesn't matter where I am, it could be on the pier in Santa Monica, standing in line at Starbucks in Indianapolis, or sitting on a train going to just about anywhere. I make friends just about everywhere and it is in those interactions that the infrequent sting of lonliness are consoled. 

I suppose what drives the need to be independent in those ways comes from the fear of the future and the idea of being alone one day in mature older age. In some ways I wanted to know that I could handle vacations, meals out, movies, and exploration on my own before getting too comfortable in being part of a pair as a couple, or always relying on friends to share new places and things with. What if I never experienced solitude or real time with just me until I was 50? How scary would that be? So in deciding to handle the fear I felt, I chose to seek out things to do on my own to build confidence and ease. 

It started small...with going to a movie. I followed movies with lunches or dinners out, and that turned into going into NYC for the day on my own to hang out. Two and a half years ago I accomplished my first hotel and vacation destination and it was such a liberating experience. It was fun to see things and take photos and have my own little ongoing conversation with myself. It was four days long, and I left it wanting more.

Since that trip I have enjoyed the road trips to friends and the time I've spent in the car thinking, singing to the radio, laughing at myself, and reflecting. In the past six months I have I have peppered each trip with visits to friends and family, but I have also challenged myself in the pursuit of solo travel. My 5 weeks in California in August will continue to be a memory of great joy, but also significant challenges. By the end in San Francisco I was tired and actually felt homesick for the first time and I was ready to return home. Sometimes I want nothing more then to return to those weeks of visiting my friends and family, and conquering LA and San Francisco on my own. In the same light I have loved the afternoons in bookstores, and coffee shops while friends were at work during my visit. In the most recent experience, while the company of friends in Thailand was amazing, the afternoon on the Island I claimed as my own, or the week in Hong Kong and Bangkok to experience the cities were both tremendous and I have often missed them since my return.

In my time on my own I set my pace with a "how do we get there?", figure it out and head out the door with a few essentials: wallet, room key, camera, journal, and a great pen. Whenever I feel snacky or ready for a beverage I will sit and write what I see in my journal, or what I sense in my heart that I am working through or discovering for the first time. I spend my time thinking about all of you, and contemplating life changes and what that would mean in all my relationships if I decided to move to Timbuktu, for example. I go to movies, museums, check out the landmarks of whatever city I am in, I gravitate towards Targets, I wish for a friend more then once a day, and I am thankful for the comfortability that has made such an impact in my ability to be fluid and without distress in social situations on my own. 

The strangest thing is that I did not even realize how important all of these day trips, hours in the car, or extended stays on my own meant to me until recently. When writing home from Thailand to a great friend of mine, I was talking about traveling with friends and how that was posing an interesting perspective. They graciously reminded me in their response, "Remember that you are not accustomed to sharing these journeys with others and from your stories that has been one of the most rewarding parts about trips from the past." The insight struck a cord and it challenged me to step back and have some grace in the testy moments with friends, and provided the insight for me to be able to fight for some time on my own because it was important.

So, now I am home and life isn't solo anymore. I've got my dog in tow, roommates in the house, and a whole network of friends that I love. I wish for all of them to experience the challenge and joy of going out and discovery some new place on their own, and I wish to know the stories and see the emotion reflected in their eyes about what they saw, learned, and touched. I know that in sharing their experience together we would find the quiet understanding of what I had searched for in my time away from Virginia...and that in finding the opportunity to go travel, also presented the opportunity to find 'me' in a new and more profound way...and perhaps in turn they also experienced such growth and joy. 

Sense

Life is beginning to make sense again. There has been an extended period of time now that everything about everyday was quite uncertain. My options were limitless and the path I have been traveling has had countless opportunities to go in completely different directions. All of these choices and points of view have lent to confusion, over stimulation, at times bordem, and complete passiveness.

But today, I had a moment on the treadmill which shed light on the status quo of the past couple of weeks. It could be in part because I had a great weekend, and things are a bit more routine. I started the morning a little later then usual, spent some time doing my devotional, writing in my journal, read, and then went to the local YMCA. In the middle of my time there I felt content, and mostly just normal. My thoughts ranged from "ok after this, lunch? errands? get home and ready for BSF tonight?"...no where in there were philosphical debates on my future, how I felt about some of my friendships, way to be better in community, or the meaning and purpose of life. While I am still unemployed (although I am actively pursuing changing that), I felt the social awkwardness in my return from Thailand subside, and I felt the pressure of deciding who I wanted to be when I grow up fade into the background a little bit.

I have also jumped into some new church situations, and bible studies in the past two weeks and I have enjoyed seeing what the Lord is doing in different communities of believers. But also how my long term vision for a new church and purpose of growth and challenge are being put in motion with the new church I have started visiting. I spent so much time praying in my time away from Lexington about how life could be better and more challenging when I returned that I am so pleased to see those things turn into fruit and proof of God's ever presence in my life. 

So while I still do not have a job, I still do not know what I will be doing long term, and I still do not have any real answers about who I want to be when I grow up...I feel encouraged, I feel challenged by the sermon's and lectures I have heard recently, I feel normal...a sense of self taking a more controlled precense in my heart so that the fear and anxiety subside. It's all making sense again- and that is fantastic. 

"Open the door that you're ready to walk through

I am where your prayer was meant to land

Oh, give me the holes of your heart and I'll promise

I'll do anything and everything I can."