Official.

I have accepted the position.

Work is going to begin.

The rainy day has made me think more thoroughly if I am going to take off for a few days, or cuddle up into my own house.

I think I am going to stay home. I think I'm going to stretch out, and complete some projects like making my closet, bathroom, and office a little more manageable. And, I think I need to work on the showing I have on the Hopkins Green in Lexington in less then two weeks. I have procrastinated and I have done a terrible job preparing for that.

But there is this little bird in which I like to call my traveling chipper, that says "Kari. There is nothing wrong with a little weekend getaway". And so I have been contemplating a few days up to Washington DC, I would really like to go the Holocaust Museum- been talking about that for years now. I would also like to go to the outlets and pick up some work appropriate gear. I would like to go walk around Georgetown, and I would like to enjoy a little fall weather.

Then there is common sense. And common sense is loud.

Tomorrow I have a phone conversation with Erin, my new boss about a starting date. I will make more decisions after that.

However, right now, I am tenderly and thankfully aware that this time lounging in a Starbucks surfing travel websites and hotel bargains is going to become much smaller in my everyday life, and for which I am grateful.

Ahh. I might just stay home. Yes. Home. Sounds lovely.

We shall see.

List of Ten

I stole this from a blog I was reading. I loved it. It's written in the learning and grieving process. I loved the entire list, and so I stole it.

I wish I could take credit. ;)

"1. I'm not meant to understand God

2. It's okay to ask hard questions and not get immediate answers

3. It's okay to not be okay

4. Jesus has to be real, because everything in my body was screaming that I didn't want to be with him anymore, but my heart refused to stop searching for him. It made no sense. I didn't want anything to do with God for while, yet my heart was still looking for Christ. If I can't tell myself that I don't ever want something again yet something in me still wants it, then there is some deeper side of life that has to exist.

5. Verses such as "for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you" are NOT comforting in situations such as these.

6. Being joyful and being happy are two VERY different things

7. Faith is supposed to be very active. Its not all just about feelings and how to deal with things in our hearts. Its about going out and changing the world with our actions.

8. God doesn't promise our physical safety, he simply promises himself in all that he is.

9. I'm learning that trusting God means something very different than what I thought it meant. Once I figure out what it means, I'll let you know.

10. In the midst of all of this, God is still good. He is still trustworthy. He is in control. He is everything that he says he is. "

Balance.

When I was little I used to day dream that one day my sunglasses would have a clicker button on the side, and I would instantly be able to capture the photograph to preserve the memory.

I should have known then that photography was my calling. I didn't. My mom explained that film developing was expensive (she was correct), and so I just let picture taking be candid. It was never something I intentionally pursued, and so now that travel and photography have become my two greatest loves I am surprised that still, I don't pursue the craft when I am at home. It's kind of like this part of me that lives on the road, I don't know how to explain it. I wouldn't dare dream of going somewhere without my camera, and recently when I went to the West Coast I even talked myself into bringing both my Canon and Nikon (the differences are huge, as is the bulk the Canon adds to my luggage). Looking back at those pictures now I can see the difference. The biggest being that with the Canon I shoot only in raw format, which forces me to edit and process images into JPEG's. I hate editing. It's my number one reason for not wanting to be a wedding photographer. I just hate it. Anyway- so processing the raw images from that trip made me appreciate the fact I have to take it a little slower, and spend more time with the memory. It was a good process.

I am about to enter the work force. These things do make sense, I promise.

I have started to wonder how if my love and passion for photography expanded and exploded while traveling, ie. NOT working, how this particular area of my heart could continue to be fostered as a means for creating a balanced life. One that incorporates working a big girl job, that pays the mortgage, while still seeking time outside of that to be expressive. I don't believe I have to let go of one to have the other.

What I do have to let go of is that my time, each and every day was mine to control, manipulate, plan and pursue.

Friends. I am so excited that time is over. I am often asked how transitioning into work will really be, and am told equally often that people are praying for me. I smile, I thank my beloved friends, and I move on.

What I would love to be able to articulate is that, I kept going because I was looking for something. And guess what? I found it.

I have never yet in my life, amidst some major emotional strife been more peaceful. I know again the fundamentals, I have sought countless sunsets, and even sunrises, I have touched, tasted, and basked in cultures that have forever become part of the fabric of who I am.

But she lives here now. She is not there. She is here. And the she that is here, can't wait to dig into a new challenge, be used, and productive.

Just wondering how to create balance, and not give up what I have loved so much of what was found during what felt like an endless search the past few years.

xoxo

Eat.Pray.Love.

A couple of weeks ago Matt and I went to see Eat Pray Love. I have read the book- I was a fan. I was not however a fan of the movie. It missed the essence of growth and... joy in the process such a pivotal time. I was also sad that they changed part of the book in that after writing a break up, final email to her love the movie did not include the very wonderful response her ex-boyfriend responded with. In the movie it plays that she receives a phone call and the tone of which was not at all what happened in the book. I think of all the discrepancies that was my most frustrating one.

In the book, she writes to him,

"That maybe its time to address that it will never happen, that it should never happen... If you want to look for another partner in your life, of course you have nothing but my blessings."...

He responds to her, "But we are not what the other one needs, he says. Still he is certain that I will find great love in my life someday. He's sure of it. After all, he says, "Beauty attracts Beauty".

I am sad that in the movie it did not include such a wonderful exchange, but more then that that they changed the tone altogether. I had scribbled down favorite quotes in my Moleskine and from time to time have returned back to the section that I wrote down the thoughts. Here a few of them are:

"I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. A harbor of course is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind, a little beat up perhaps. A little storm worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of myself (which is a young and volcanic island, yes, but fertile and promising). This island has been through some wars it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. and now- let the word go out across the seas there are much, much stricter laws on the books who may enter this harbor. You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, all these will be turned away. Likewise any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pampleteers, mutineers, and violent assassins, prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways you may not come here anymore either. Even missionaries will be screened carefully for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor in the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts then you are welcome in my mind- otherwise I shall turn back toward the sea where you came. That is my mission and it will never end."

"There are only 2 questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? And who's in charge? Everything else is somehow manageable. But these 2 questions of love and control undo us all, trip us up and cause war, grief and suffering."

"Look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it- in a beautiful place of worship surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it." (this reminds me so tenderly of China, Europe, and all of the amazing places I've been in which I have been able to see and touch Christ in amazing ways)

Hindsight.

I read in Eat, Pray, Love something that I completely identified with:

"Hypersensitive awareness of time's speed led me to push myself to experience life at a maximum pace. If I were going to have a short visit on earth I had to do everything possible to experience it now. Hence all the traveling, all the romances, all the ambition, all the pasta...If I could have split myself into many Liz Gilbert's I would have willingly done so in order to not miss a moment of life. What am I saying? I did split myself into many Liz Gilbert's, all of whom simultaneously collapsed in exhaustion on a bathroom floor in the suburbs one night somewhere around the age of 30."

It's true that hindsight is 20/20. However, what do you do when you are looking back and you still can't understand what you are looking at?

In the past few years I have with great recollection and fondness desired moments of closeness with Christ established in travel, or sought to recapture something I lost. I have written here several times about what those things looked like. On this September night a few things are clear, absolutely crystal clear and its not just hindsight. It's Jesus. And its so funny to think of all the times I looked back at a period of time, hoping that hindsight would do its trick- and nope just fuzzy. Tonight with ease... CLEAR sight.

I knew in January that I wasn't doing well. I have said this before, but I am still processing through what I did and did not know, and what I did not and did choose to instead see. I fought against it. I knew in February that I wasn't either. But I chose to ignore it, and I allowed a relationship commitment to form. I have finally been able to admit to myself that in the capacity of what was best for me personally, dating Tex during that period was not a wise decision. Yet, I chose the relationship because I hoped it would work out forever, and it wouldn't matter that I wasn't ready or in a place that I should be pursued. Truth is, that is where so much of the struggle continued to grow, I had been hurting for a long time and I knew that I couldn't put my finger on what it was.

Now that my finger has found the place that needed the healing and perspective, its amazing to witness how different my thinking, feeling, and life already is. For the first time in such a long time I know that my beauty is not contingent on what size my jeans are, or what shape my body will change into over the years. I know that I am a daughter, sister, child of God. And I also know that I am beautiful. It's not this cocky "oh I have great hair, and fun pashminas". My brain has begun to work again in ways that make sense. I process thoughts and feelings with greater ease as the enormous amount of anxiety has been lifted. I also have noticed that sometimes just watching a show I love, or reading a book I'm diving into- that I smile. To myself. As if the smile is me, befriending me. Softening the hard hurt edges, and making the cut less deep. I also have found joy in relationships, and more balance. I've been a ridiculously needy friend and person in recent years, I am enjoying asking more questions, being present. Not just hanging out, and laughing: but really sharing life. Experiencing the way burdens are lifted when.you.speak. Such a novel new concept for me. I think one thing I have been able to fall most in love with is that this confidence is palpable, everything about me feels different. It feels like me. I feel like me. I have missed her. I am sad at the cost she came. The people she hurt along the way. But friends. I am so glad that I love her, and that I know her.

I noticed her departure the fall after I lost Bill. And then I felt moments she returned with the laughter, ease, and joy. I can't explain to you what happened the summer of 2007 but leaving camp should have been the biggest red flag to myself about what was happening. I have been a yo-yo of an unwinding mess since then. I am thankful for the bursts of light, and I would never trade the world I got to explore for anything. But the cost was high, and I always felt more at home away then I did in my own bed. It's why I kept going. Never ending. Madness. With the exception of my relationships with the boys and several of you invited beloved amazing women, I was unconnected and unengaged in a community that I had worked very hard to help build. I walked away from it, and I just didn't know it.

Today I was driving home from church and was just enjoying my own thoughts and company. It's something I always noticed about traveling- how at ease I became in the car, in an airplane or on a train. Just the movement. The pace of "going" became second nature, and became part of me. I knew how to manage, and navigate landscapes, I understood pleasantries in other languages, I was adaptable. But, I was also constantly in the midst of strangers. And I could disappear. I wasn't recognizable. When chatted with, I could become any person I wanted, no one knew me. (I will say, I always made friends with strangers in complete honesty).

I had a great moment on Friday afternoon when I walked into my house after having gone to Cincinnati to celebrate Mandy's birthday. I had struggled going to bed Thursday night with some battles, and kept Mandy awake probably longer then needed, but needed to talk. I woke up plagued with exhaustion and just sadness. In the drive I just wanted to get back to Virginia, and I just wanted to hang out for the Sugarland concert with Matty.

However. The moment, yes back to my point. I walked into the house at 1:30pm, sat down, and I was peaceful. I had returned home. Into my own space. There were no roommates to conversate with, and there was nothing for me to be, except my absolute self. I liked that for me, one who always goes and is more content going, that the returning and the staying... felt better. Felt more like Home. Home felt more like Me. In this space I could breathe, look back... and see with clarity and conviction the past which at times returns to fuzzy- as processing ebbs and flows... but mostly I could see and recognize that the girl that smiles to herself quietly in a car on the West Coast, in a plane above other continents, was the same girl who sat in her hammock and let the breeze move her and she began to rest in the comfort of all that she could be, all that is waiting, with the wisdom gained by looking back and moving forward with perfect vision.

To Be Silent. Then Speak.

Slowly but surely I am peeling back the layers and I am getting to the core of some issues. My main objective with therapy on my first visit was to "Establish a life without the enduring pressure of needing to survive. I would like to live."

With that objective also came the deep desire to retrain, and reroute choices in communication, boundaries, and the impossible time I have at expressing in the moment that which burdens me, and instead choosing to be silent. The silence has killed me. I think often back to the blog entry I wrote in China called 'The Cage'. Its never been more true then in this time, that I have released myself from the confines of what I have known, and I am existing without the comfort of codependcey and am establishing new healthy patterns.

All that to say, I am experiencing the highs and lows of thought, prayer, and intense introspection. It's wildly different then any other period of my life, and I cannot begin to articulate the deep sense of security I feel in my life knowing that God's provision for me is extensive and boundless.

The support system is known. I know who I can talk to about what, and not that everyone gets a different story- just different fragments. I am thankful that in the midst of all things that I have women in my life that I can just pour it all out to. It does not matter how long I complain or am dissecting one particular area. They listen. They see the ache for knowledge and growth, and in that moment they wait with and for me.

As I wrote before, last week Tex broke a long silence with a Text message. I continued to pray about this for days. It actually was the source of a lot of stress in my heart as I struggled with how I felt about the time I'd had to think and be quiet, what I wanted to say, did I want to say anything, and then of course was it possible to communicate and not be hurt. Saturday afternoon I had one of those days in which I was driven with something crazy in my head- the inability to let something go. I had it stuck in my head that I wanted Season Two of Pushing Daisies and Samantha Who on DVD. You may laugh. I had been watching Season One's of both shows and LOVED it. My attention span for TV has waned, but I was laughing and genuinely enjoying the experience. I colored. I crafted. I hung out researching business cards online. But when the time came for Season Two, I couldn't wait. I had to get to Walmart. They didn't have it. Then I thought "TARGET", they didn't have it. Then I thought, "BEST BUY". They didn't have it either. So instead I spent the 2 hours (all toll) in the car obsessing, thinking, then finally praying and surrendering my heart to the Lord regarding communicating with Tex. I came home and bought both things on Amazon for half the price used. I should have just done that first. But with the obsession and thought process: I got myself in the car, and I got myself before Jesus in a way I hadn't been able too in my own home. It was a blessing. A frustrating wonderful blessing.

I went to Church on Sunday morning unhappy. Like, I think if you saw me you'd think I looked pretty, but that my smile was unhappy. I struggled with this and as Essen spoke about the fruit of the spirit further in the Sermon Series, I just could not focus. I however did appreciate that in the body of his message I found some really tangible challenges. Love grows from Love. Peace grows from Peace. Forgiveness grows from Forgiveness.

I heard and wanted to cultivate all these things! I wanted these things to abound in my garden, and I was ready to let go of the weeds, the dying flowers, and the deep rooted hurts that have done nothing but destroy my potential landscape.

So among the congregation, I sat quietly to myself and knew that I was ready to break my silence with Tex and place a phone call. I was ready for the truth, his truth, and my truth- and I knew that if I continued to negate communication that I was not giving "our" truth an opportunity to grow, into something different then either of us expected.

I was pulling off my exit and was getting ready to place my phone call, when my phone rang and it was someone else entirely. I was beckoned to sit, be still, and listen. I was the life line needed in that moment for someone else in accountability, truth, encouragement, and love. I was able to cultivate so many messages from the morning in that phone call, and I hope dearly that my beloved friend knew tenderly that they were being loved with every fiber possible over the AT&T phone lines.

What that conversation did was bring forth the confidence I needed to remember that my value is not in who chooses to love me on this earth. The most divine opportunity I have is to utilize the love in which comes to me from Heaven, was brutally abused on a cross, and has taken residence in my heart. The growth that I am seeking has always been that of the Father, but now in this most heartbreaking place, I was able to step forward off a platform making a phone call knowing that I was ready, that I was a daughter of the beloved, and that I could stand strong and firm in a conversation with Tex seeking only to say hello- and that I could remain stable.

I placed the call and we talked. We laughed. Heartily and sincerely. He was a fountain of information about his week at Oakbridge, and we talked about his perspective on camping. Nothing was assumed on my part, I asked questions, and I asked if I could offer insight. It was a different voice. It was someone I didn't know I could be, yet I hoped would arrive. While the conversation did not once turn to issues between us in an emotional depth, it was an enriched conversation between two people who after not speaking for quite a while were both relieved that there was still yet, so much to say. Mostly I wanted to hear his voice, know how he was doing, and laugh. I got that. It wasn't cheap, and it wasn't easy. But I was ready, and being ready sometimes is less about what you are going to say, then about being prepared for what you might hear. We still know the fibers of conversation and each other, and I think what I was most thankful for was that in talking to him, I knew that we were real. We weren't some mythical day dreamed illusion in my head. In talking, laughing, and giving of some very sage advice, we were real, still. And sometimes in the midst of all that was loved and lost this year, I just want to know that we really loved each other.

I am not assuming that we will speak now often, or again. I am not placing another call, its not something I think about doing or am praying about. He said we will speak again soon, and if he calls I will answer, but I am not rushing anything. The boundaries I wanted to maintain are still in tact, I did not cry, I did not indulge him in anything specific. I truly, just listened. And, in that place of listening I was grateful.

To grow love we need to love.

To grow forgiveness we need to forgive.

To grow peace we need to exhibit peace.

To grow healthy communication, we need to be wise in understanding the time to be quiet, and then the time to speak.

What are you growing in your life?

I hope its as beautiful as your smile.

Book of Eli: Love More.

"Dear Lord, thank you for giving me the strength and the conviction to complete the task you entrusted to me. Thank you for guiding me straight and true through the many obstacles in my path. And for keeping me resolute when all around seemed lost. Thank you for your protection and your many signs along the way. Thank you for any good that I may have done, I'm so sorry about the bad. Thank you for the friend I made. Please watch over her as you watched over me. Thank you for finally allowing me to rest. I'm so very tired, but I go now to my rest at peace. Knowing that I have done right with my time on this earth. I fought the good fight, I finished the race, I kept the faith."

-The Book of Eli

I rented this movie because my sister Krystal told me to. It was definitely a bit more violent then my comfort level at first, but then I started paying close attention to the screenplay. It's infused with scripture. It was marvelous.

There was a line spoken in the movie with Eli talking about what he learned in the process of protecting the 'book', which he says, "I was carrying and reading it everyday, got so caught up in protecting it, I forgot to live by what I'd learnt from it... to do more for others than you do for yourself."

How often have we harnessed our beliefs, and held steadfast to the belief but have forgotten that belief is not just something to be kept or captured in faith. It's a life. It's love in action. And because God is love, and Faith in God means Love- the belief always turns into a verb and not just an adjective.

This summer I saw a lot of love in action. It began with seeing Sandy love her little ones so well when I stayed at her house in Connecticut between Oregon/Ct/China. I spent a few days with her, albeit in an emotional train wreck state, but I witnessed the love a mother has for her children. How they are each different and beckon a different part of your attention depending on their age. I watched her patience, and her impatience. I took that into my time in China as I loved children who did not yet know who their parents were going to be. It was a powerful movement of my heart and I was thankful for the ways in which it forced to me to recognize the lack of love in action in my own life- both at my own doing, and that which was brought unto me.

Sometimes I just forget to love more. To let what I believe transform my life and my purpose, and not just be something that I hold so tightly onto that I'm unable to let it breathe. Take shape. Form into something wild and beautiful.

Often said that if you love something/someone let it be free, if it was meant to be, it will come back to you. I have wrestled with what that means, and how I truly feel about it. I think its true that if you love someone or something, that self sacrifice in letting it go is one of the greatest measures we can do in Love. I saw that this summer, and I remember it being one of the absolute last things I said to Tex as we parted ways and agreed to pray during my time in China for resolute answers. I knew that letting go of what I had been holding onto meant that I was not less attached or cared less. It meant that it was worth the open abyss of possibility in Christ. It is what holding on, and letting go looks like when happening at the same exact time. Love calls us to seek, serve, and be active for one another. It's self sacrificing. It's selfish. It's hard. It hurts.

But what comes in its wake is something marvelously beautiful. A glimpse of Heaven. It's another part of our garden's sowed, torn apart and replanted. I am coming through to this side of that lesson. I can see more and more things that I have learned, struggled, and fought for and how in the capacity of letting go and giving it up, I have been given more then that which I had originally struggled to loosen my grip on.

Do more, love more, serve more, in the capacity of others then yourself. Let your faith and love be something that you foster in words, in silences and spaces. Don't let it be something you hold so closely to yourself that you forget what it is designed to do. Change the world. Bring more of Christ to this Earth and give those we are surrounded by a vision of what they are missing.

And then let our most sincere thoughts and prayer be like that of above, spoken at the end of a very thought provoking movie, "I have fought the good fight. I finished the race. I kept the faith".