Band-Aids

Today at Target I had to buy Band-aids. I chose Toy Story.

Since then I've thought about this box of bandages and have wondered how often I wish that a band-aid could fix "it". The "it" varies. Sometimes its something small. Like a broken device or piece of glass (a recently broken tumbler, specifically). Most of the time though, the 'it' is much more substantial and an issue of the heart.

I have had some amazing friends in life. I have burdened with them as early as grade school when their grand parents passed away, or they found out they were moving to a new town. In my adult years however the tenderness of my heart has increased as those in my life are much more meaningful when relationships are formed not out of convenience, or even jobs. It's the kindred spirit, the connection of Christ, its a deep well of feeling and empathy. There have been times that I have felt such a burden and ache for those I have loved. Matty last summer comes to mind, and just wanting to heal his heart and body in the midst of what was really scary time. When Tex moved to Oregon and was made aware of the changes happening in his family, I just hurt and cried with and for him. This January in understanding the depth and weight of Courtney's challenges, and feeling like all my magical powers in the world (the illusions that they are) could not begin to heal anything. It is a helpless feeling when you are walking life with someone who is hurting so deeply, either physically or emotionally. You partner in prayer, and you listen, and you pursue, and you support... but you always always come up short. You know it. They know it. It's just how life is. At times we are protected from feeling helpless, but there is a sense of not 'doing/being' enough.

We are not ever going to be enough in this place.

We don't have the touch.

We never have.

I am thankful however that in my relationship with THE HEALER, and CREATOR of it all, that I can place my rest. I have never done this well. I am a planner, coordinator, control freak. I like to manage, and tend to attempt survival. This summer I have learned the most divine and heartbreaking lessons. I have seen my failures, and I have seen how those failures hurt others deeply. I have also seen the Son rise.

I have always been a thinker. When I think in circles and am not getting anywhere I usually get upset. Somewhere at the end of the 1,000th loop in thought I remember, "Oh God. Hey yeah, its me, Kari, again. What are your thoughts?" This summer as I began my time in China, the racetrack of emotion that I was on was deadly. I was hurt, upset, confused, and just a ball of emotion. But one thing that I was sure of, was that I was purposed for China. I was meant to go. It did not matter what I was leaving behind, bringing with me, or would be brought back into. I was supposed to go and love.

There, I found something priceless and remarkable. I was able to get off the race track and do something I have found impossible in the past. I took each day, each segment of time as it was. I did not race forward. I did not remain planted in the past. I knew what my task was, I knew what my objective was, I was focused. The discipline to do that does not come easily for me. However, I know with the support and petitioning of those at home in prayer, I was able to slow everything done and be. Broken. Sad. Confused. Joyful. Excited. Open. Searching. Happy.

Unlike past adventures there comes a point when I return that I completely forget what I learned, the cycle continues and bam I'm back where I always was. Thankfully this August night I know that I am not on the same roller coaster. I'm in an entirely different theme park! (that's funny). I know that I am still incredibly sensitive to outside opinions, thoughts, and questions. I know that I am not always able to discern tones, and I perceive judgements. There are still areas of hurt and sadness that I am working my way through to tackle and experience restored relationships. A beloved hard lesson came from a seed planted last summer. In the midst of dealing with fear and sadness I was trying really hard to be the 'strong' one. I heard one of the most important things from the most perfect person: "You don't have to be the strong one. You don't have to protect me, from you." It has taken me almost a complete year to grasp, understand, and be able to do that. In wanting to love and care for my friends and family I have always absorbed the situation and weighted myself down, drowned out my needs, and then put all the walls back up. Literally. One year later I finally understand that way of living, and that example is not the truth. It doesn't glorify God, and it kills me. How I wish I had been able to live that the past 6 months, so many things would have been different!

I know that I am not the healer. I know that the touch I am looking for does not come from my mind. It comes per invitation of my heart. I can't find it in Target in the first aid aisle, and I can't open my mailbox to receive it in an envelope.

But it is there. How fitting that the sacrifice and wounds of a Savior is our only way of healing, transformation, restoration and freedom. It's not an easy fix. The price was high, the experience brutal and violent. Yet, it covers us. It blankets us with promise and productivity to live as lights guiding all praise and glory to the one most high.

On this night, I am compiling hundreds of photographs to make a DVD of the China trip for my friends. I am looking at faces I have not seen since June, and I am thinking about new aspects of that experience with the maturity I have gained since its end. I do not wish to go back. I am here. I am now. I am working my way through tremendous family stress and strife, and I am trying to live with my wounds visible so that as healing comes I am able to show Christ. My life does not look anything like I imagined for this particular time. I draw comfort however that it was designed for a purpose greater then my own understanding, and that what I'm searching for will continue to be revealed as I let go of hurts, dysfunctions, and doubts.

Where do you go first when broken?

Do you absorb a situation to 'help it', instead of aligning your spirit with Christ and surrendering it all?

What needs 'fixing' in your life?

Are you letting your mind race and forgetting to open your heart for the invitation?

...and my favorite question of the summer...

What are you waiting for?

1 Peter 2:24: He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

Psalm 40 1-3: I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

Emily & Lindsay

The Young Life circle is very fun sometimes.

Tonight was a great example of that for me.

This afternoon Emily came over and we hashed out the past 8 months of our lives since we last saw each other at Christmas. It's refreshing to talk to someone who has been part of the story, even if they are not a central focus of it. We spoke frankly. We spoke vulnerably. There was a lot of truth, love, friendship, and grace.

We then went to dinner with Lindsay and Ryan, whom Emily met at Windy Gap as interns. It was fun to listen to them talk about mutual friends, and share memories of their year together. Not knowing them during Emily's internship, but knowing her and hearing stories of Ryan and Lindsay it was ridiculous that I now share a town with these two friends.

Craziness.

Pink Hut followed.

There were rainbow sprinkles.

Chad drove through and asked me where my ponytail came from, not entirely convinced that it was really my hair that hit so low in my back. I had to pull it out to prove it. It made me smile.

I am thankful for my time on staff, and I am thankful that some of the most precious people in my life still serve the Lord in the capacity of YL Camping. Their work is important, and I pray for them daily. This Spring it was fun to meet some folks on Property Staff in Oregon, and just let the circle expand. Hear their stories. There is something divine and magical at a Young Life Camp. Not that God doesn't move mountains elsewhere, but there is a calming force in my heart when I visit, and walk with those I love who work there full time. It's precious to me.

Tonight I had conversation with someone I used to meet every week for Thursday dinners before she graduated college. I love her dearly, and I love that despite our ability to be in touch more often, that when we do catch up it is nothing less then completely honest and authentic.

Love her. And that crazy girl Lindsay she told me so much about that I can also call my friend too, whom I will miss when she moves home to Texas next week. But the great thing about YL and Jesus- is that circles are always rotating, and no goodbye is ever really for very long.

That could quite possibly be my favorite part.

This Much.

For days now I have thought about one family nonstop. With the diagnosis of cancer they began a blog in which they are sharing their story. I have read every entry, and I have cried in the vulnerability in which Libby details her processing of diagnosis, and in her husband Justin's brave account of his deep profound love for his bride. Together they are banding together and they are going to fight. They have described how they have already been changed. How nothing will ever be the same. How grateful they already are for the way their love for each other sharpened, deepened and intensified.

They are brave. They have a 6 month old daughter who will not remember this time in which her mother was superwoman in fighting cancer. She will not know the several tears and prayers raised for her parents to triumph. I think she knows already what matters most. She knows loves. Love knows no age. Love is speechless and often silent.

I am not close to this young married couple. But we love many of the same people. Our stories are woven through others, and now my heart prays for them daily. For strength. For peace. For sheer will in determination. For grace. For long walks on the beach together. For holding hands. For laughs in the stillness of night in storytelling. For a long future together. For Jesus to be in their words, actions, thoughts, and dreams as they will be a light to every person treating Libby.

It's amazing to read comments being left on their blog and to see the crowd of witnesses walking with them and how community as Christ intended it is living right now in this situation. It is already making such a huge impact. God is so awesome.

She writes in the opening page of the blog,

"i was thankful this was all happening now and not in 60 years when we were older and had missed out on loving Jesus this much, or each other this much, and everyone around this much. since we never saw this one coming. i guess that is what you sign up for when you decide to give your life...we are talking your life here...to Jesus Christ. it means trusting him with everything. i thought i did though. but now i know that i didn't. i mean i did a little. but not like i do now. this is our story and since we are not writing it, God is...we have to trust that he wanted this part to be in ours."

I have thought about 'this much' for days.

I have thought about my trust in God.

Do I trust Him with everything?

Every last minute, thought, purpose, and relationship?

Did I really seek Him when I wasn't sure?

Do I believe He loves me in each and every breath?

Do I surrender not just when I think it matters, but in every.single.moment?

If I am not, what is it going to take? What am I waiting for?

As I read Libby's account of their day to day experience, in the midst of having a diagnosis for only a week I have prayed that my heart would be open to loving Jesus more then I think is possible, and that I would continue to surrender the wicked mind games my head plays, and remember...

that Love.

this much.

is worth it, when He is the center.

Jesus stretched out His arms wide, and gave His life for us because His love knew no other way. He loves us 'this much'.

This summer has been some intense periods of rain, some abundance of sunshine, and a whole lot of Jesus. I liken it to driving through the rain, sometimes its so hard you can't see the road, and you get mad at trucks that kick up puddles. Yet, there comes a moment in that rainstorm that you can see the other side of those clouds dispersing their precipitation. You can see the blue sky. You know that the rain is going to break. You believe it because you can see it. You sigh a deep sense of relief because the rain was so intense and so treacherous.

Then... there's nothing but sunshine.

Tonight I pray that Justin and Libby in the midst of this rain storm of life, will continue to trust and believe that the other side of these clouds is there. They can't see it yet, but Christ does, and His will and power is unlike anything we can experience on earth: even the most terrifying torrential downpour.

Rain saturates the earth.

Flowers grow.

Gardens flourish.

His story and love is beautiful.

It's never too late to sow soil that is nourished in His love.

What will I choose to plant? What will I ask Him to restore?

Will I place my hope and trust in Him more then I did a second ago?

My prayer continues to be that I could live to love Him and those He has blessed me with, this much... now. Not later. Not when its more convenient. Not when I think its going to be easier. Not half way. Now. In pouring rain, or in sunshine. It's you. It's me. It's going to be built on and be completely about Jesus.

If you are interested in reading a tremendous story of love, Jesus, family, prayer, and truth check out, and please include this precious family in your prayers:

www.libbyryder.blogspot.com

You will not be sorry.

Rowe Rowe

So... I missed the birth of Rowe Rowe in my time... I am trying to come up with something witty to call my absence from my life from March-July. Nothing has yet come to mind. If you think of something please let me know. ANYWHO, I met Rowe in May for a minute when I brought Hayden the most beautiful collection of flowers and we were joyful and it was wonderful. However. One of my most favorite Baby Gifts is personalized onesies. It's just so fun to custom make them relevant to the child, like with their name, future camper status, or something about their pet peers.

In my procrastinating all things my office (its out of hand, boxes stacked on boxes, and it hurts my heart that I can't yet get the motivation to do it), I had Baby Craft Hour and delivered these gems to Hayden and Rowe.

I found the plastic paint bucket at the craft store, and used glue dots to attach the ribbon and buttons. Make sure you wash the Onesies before you paint, and when they are completely dry throw them in the dryer to set (usually like 30 minutes).

I love this idea, I stole it from somewhere though now I can't remember where. You can steal it from me here. But we can't show up at the same place with it!

Do you have any favorite Baby Craft Gifts?

Sharing is Caring!

Defying Gravity

I am kind of all over the place. For the most part I have clicked through images and day dreamed. I am in the process of planning a very packed 12 days on the West Coast. What was going to be a weekend in Vegas has turned into an epic adventure. I have made some important decisions about what I am going to do, and who I am going to see. I have priced it out a dozen different ways trying to figure out the most economical. I think I have settled on a plan. I begin in Vegas with the most delightful assortment of women. It will be so different in comparison to other times out there. The combination of sisters is euphoric, and I'm delighted. They all return back to the East, and I will head West.

First stop? Bakersfield. I am returning after three years, and I cannot wait. I wasn't going to do this portion, and I was going to put it off entirely... but the fact is I miss it. Last Monday I thought about it, and I realized that I'm not going searching for a ghost, but I'm going connecting with life... and that is by visiting Candice and Felicia (below).

Then I will come and place my feet on this railing and I will be still... I will be quiet. I will probably write a little. Read a little. I know that I will mostly just watch the water in its rhythmic motion and I will pray. I cannot wait for this afternoon.

After that I am seeing and doing some new things for which I'm really excited about. They range from visiting the Hearst Castle, the 17 mile highway of beauty leading into Monterey, and a quick peek into Napa.

I finish in the city I always claimed to be my future home. I was there three years ago exactly as I arrive.


I have been mildly obsessed with Wicked all summer. I saw it in May and just fell in love with it. There is a song in it called "Defying Gravity". At a particular point Elphaba sings to Glinda,

"Too late for second guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try

Defying Gravity

I think I'll try

Defying Gravity

And you can't pull me down...

I'm through accepting limits

'Cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost...

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

everyone deserves a chance to fly

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who'd ground me

Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity..."

It seems only fitting that after this summer I end on the opposite coast it began. I started the summer season in Connecticut with a day in NYC in which I felt content in my environment, and I saw a show I most wanted to see- it was a brief respite in chaos. Since then the lyrics of this particular song have been with me, and I just get it. And so... I will close my time on the West Coast, and bid adieu to summer with Wicked in San Francisco. I like bookends. I like neat packages of experiences. This is going to be such a stellar time, that I expect some intense jealousy to ensue. I will send postcards, I promise. And I will be constantly looking in crowds for 2 faces. It's true.

I return home hopefully to some job interviews, as the application process has been slow and arduous. It will be a jam packed time away, but I know that before employment begins I should utilize the days I have without taking time off for vacation. I'm excited. It's bittersweet, and it will have moments that I know I will wish it were different. But I'm excited and I am sure. So all day... been day dreaming and praying about the time away and that the Lord would use it and that I could celebrate a FULL life, celebrate 5 years of missing and loving Bill, and that with my hand catching the wind out of the window as I drive- I will get to watch the sunset over my favorite ocean... and I will continue to defy gravity.

Life in flight continues.

Yummy Delicious.

Churros.

Have the perfect wow factor and are so freaking easy.

You need to make them.

As soon as possible.

Recipe for Yummy Delicious:

Vegetable Oil for frying

1 cup water

4 ounces butter (one stick)

1/4 tsp. salt

1 cup all purpose flour

3 eggs

1/4 cup sugar

1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

1) Heat water, butter, salt to a rolling boil in 3 quart saucepan.

2) Stir in flour. Stir vigorously over low heat until mixture forms a ball, about 1 minute; remove from heat.

3) In separate bowl beat eggs until smooth. Then add to the saucepan while stirring.

4) In a pipe bag with a large star tip disperse long or short strips (your preference) into oil. Fry about 2 minutes a side. Remove from oil and douse with cinnamon sugar mixture.

I made the dough ahead of time, put it in the piping bag and stored it in the fridge until time to make them. This worked perfectly. I served with honey also. LOVED LOVED them.

Enjoy!

xoxox

Door.

She waits by the door often.

Sometimes I think we are waiting for the same person.

Mostly I like to think she's protecting me from whoever may come to the door.

Like some magnificently intimidating guard dog.

I know though she is just waiting to wag her tail, and give kisses in her squealing enthusiasm.

We've had a revolving door of house guests. Mandy left this week, Betty Cabell came and left.

Tonight friends came over... and we hung out.

She sat at Ryan's feet and just wagged her tail eagerly as if to say "will you love me forever?"

She is unaware of the fan club she has.

But still... I think she waits at the door looking for one person.

It's ok, I tell her, that I'm waiting for them too.

Life tonight is full and good. Glad for all those who sat at my dinner table this week and shared conversation on the couch. God has done good things in my heart.

I have been pursued and visited in abundance since my arrival back to Virginia July 6th. It's insane.

I have heard and been sort of asked the same thing, "You are looking great, sounding even better...?"

I tell them its Jesus.

I tell them I am well because I have experienced great love and friendship.

I tell them I have returned. They smile because the announcement isn't news- they see it. It's just verbal confirmation.

I tell them because even after all is said and done, sometimes I just want my best friend to come sit on the couch with me and talk about life.

I tell them, that feeling that way has been healing and tremendous.

I tell them, that every day its different. Some days harder. Some days easier.

But that God is the absolute same. And that I am better because of it.

I tell them that the storms have quieted, I have made choices, I have seen the other side... and that I'm done there.

I tell them that I feel more like the me that has been waiting then I feel like the me that was searching.

I tell them... that I wait sometimes anticipating who comes to the door, and that I am always thankful for the faces I see as they arrive.

Gracie and I are waiting at times for the same person we know that is too far away to come.

But we hope.

And in our hope, we are more like the friend we miss then ever before.