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There have been several drafts of this blog entry written articulated and chatting about life.

But the purpose of this has never been to share the to do list, or the I've done list.

It's been to share my heart.

I have struggled with writing about that here.

My heart has resisted the vulnerability that comes with posting something here that enables someone to stay involved in my life, without the responsibility and intention of pursuing it, themselves.

I think this is the battle that continues to wage back and forth about writing, and why it went private last year in the wake of some specific situations. I am not sure I desire to do that again now, but it has been a consistent thought.

That being said, I will share that...

My heart is good.

I am doing really well.

I am content, happy, challenged, and stretched.

I am sure that this is the time, space, and place for me.

And that, is my heart without much detail. I am off today and have a slurry of things to do, but I am going to attempt to find myself a sandwich shop for lunch so that I can write letters and postcards in the midst of what would otherwise be a filled day of errands and chores.

To whomever is reading this- I wish you the same peace, and the same resolve.

Love.Love.

Kar

snuggle cuddle

This is the only picture I took when Matty was here...

But its ok because I absolutely love, love, love it.

a touch in.

I have gone to write this blog a couple of times this morning. In part to keep my community of support updated, but also to take the break in the chaos of boxes and reflect. This morning it has been harder to articulate where I'm at, and how I'm doing- though I'm doing really well.

Mostly, I just hate training. I am totally a hands on learner: throw me into the scenario and I learn best there. But corporate america says that reading manuals is the most effective way of learning, and so I'm reading, and writing my way through policy and procedure. BUT when I'm able to take a break, and get to meeting our staff I'm happiest.

My boss goes on vacation next week, which means I have up until then to ask any and every question I can possibly imagine before she takes her 9 day trip North. I feel like there's pressure in that situation to know everything before then, and sometimes I sense my controlling side of my brain freak out my more laid back side.

For the most part, just processing through how I feel, what I think, what my hopes are, concerns, questions, and of course comments. I've talked on the phone more this week since leaving then I ever did while traveling- its almost like a heaviness has lifted and the joy in connecting, bantering, and being intentional has returned in a life giving capacity: its wonderful.

arrived.

In a couple of hours I start my new job. I am returning to work exactly one month after I left my previous job, and boy... a lot happened in that month.

I arrived to my new place on Monday evening, and was thankful for the morning having spent some time just hanging out with my dad, and Matty. (If you ever need your car packed... Matt Hypes is your man, he's amazing).

As I left the White Oak Estate, my heart was full of gratitude, peace, hope, and just love. Not a single tear was dropped, which I had feared some sort of emotional implosion on Monday. The only thing I could think about was that, when deeply rooted in purpose, a calling, and conviction- sometimes its not an emotional breakdown. Sometimes, its an emotional elevation of composure. I left so peaceful and rooted in the truth, that I was surprised there were no tears! Not even while listening to the mix Matt snuck in my car!

The moving company was incredible, Ryan even took apart my bed and put it back together again ASAP so I would have a place to sleep. They worked so hard, and for so long- that I often felt badly for unpacking as they were bringing things in. Hands down the best way to move- have someone lift everything for you.

So far, I've made friends with Dave at Best Buy (he's been my favorite), Donna at Costco, Amanda in the property office, and Gracie made friends with Louie the downstairs poodle. I have sensed a calm, and quiet. Sometimes I'm an unpacking maniac, and other times I take a break with chips and salsa on the couch while watching TV. Matt comes on Monday- and I'm excited to discuss decorating options, to go out to eat, and just be with someone I love so much in my new city. Crazy. I live in a city again... I love it.

This morning I woke up at 7:30am without an alarm, grabbed my sneakers and took Gracie to the Greenway which is a paved path along a creek, that is right outside the property limits here. We walked, she barked at people on bicycles, and I thought to myself about the next 2 months- all that it contains (even a trip to Disney World! Wahoo). I thought about friends I knew and loved because I had taken the leap of faith 8 summers ago to move to Lexington. I thought about how many of those friends I met on Summer Staff in 2003 I consider family. I thought about the people I've met and loved so intensely that in distance and circumstance have slipped out of my life a little bit. I thought about all the texts messages, emails, and phone calls I've received from my best friends in this life that have called to celebrate with me this new adventure. The 2 mile walk at points was swift, then just leisure... but my thoughts and thanksgiving to Christ were all at steady pace. There were so many random things to rejoice, and so much to hand over to the Lord in hope for a work continued in me, in this time, season, and new place.

New job. 2 hours. I feel a little bit like a kid starting school in a new place. Really excited to have found my hair dryer after 10 minutes of searching, and my favorite jeans (YES NEW DRESS CODE!!).

Thanks to you- whomever you are. For reading, for thinking, and maybe even praying. I'm not sure who often reads this, but I am always thankful for the comments, emails, and messages regarding whats new here- and with you.

Happy. That the move finally came.

And that this new chapter begins.

Love.Love.

k

captured reflection.

This morning I went to church for the last time as a Virginia resident.

Essen began the worship service announcing that I was moving to North Carolina tomorrow. The tears rose out of a very well protected well of emotional, and they dropped from my eyes. I was able to compose myself the rest of the service, and enjoyed some great conversation with the Daley's long after the sanctuary had emptied. Sometimes the only form of gratitude we can release is found in the profound silence of our tears.

I started going to TAB four years ago with Mandy and Tex, to the Staunton site. After that site became more developed and Rick took over as lead pastor, Tex and I moved to Waynesboro to continue to learn and grow with Essen. Tex and I had a routine on Sunday's of Dunkin Donuts, munchkins, and worship. Of our friendship rooted in Lexington, I think Sunday's were my absolute favorite. There has not been a time since he moved West that I've not looked at the bridge on my way past, or thought of great memories of sharing what we would learn by attending church together.

When I returned from China last year I continued to make my home at TAB, and found great comfort in the friendships I was formulating with Essen, Cathy, and their fantastic kids. Today I left them outside the building in which I had found so much peace, clarity, and growth and I was overwhelmed with gratitude.

This afternoon my mind has thought back to the things I've learned and loved in this time, space, and place. So many of the most meaningful lessons came at the direction and teaching I found at Tabernacle, and I will miss it terribly.

I came home wanting to capture the sunlight before the impending storms to take pictures outside the house for my "I Moved" address change postcard. Gracie circled at my feet, and there are some that she was able to pause before her own chaos to pose with me. But these two speak reflection, and gratitude as I know what I was thinking about as they were captured. It is one of the many ways and reasons I love photographs... the stories they tell-- even if only to the one featured.

DT's with T.

Theresa and I met years and years ago. The concept of House Dinner began the summer she Mandy, and Jamie were interns. We were roommates for awhile, and in many ways she made possible my international and domestic travel schedule by taking care of the White Oak Estate, and Gracie. She's been a true and constant friend. I can count on her to pray for my heart, journey, and concerns. Today we met for lunch with her fabulous sister Kait. The lunch lasted over 3 hours. When leaving DT's we went to capture a picture of us, in our beloved date spot. We took countless trying to find the perfect one, which is out of focus but still classically us.

I didn't want a going away party, or any sort of gathering. What I wanted was meals like lunch today. I wanted the time to be intentional and meaningful. This week has been filled with special and meaningful time with people whom I have loved for a very long time. Tomorrow I spend a day in Roanoke in part running errands with a hair cut (which is funny b/c I hadn't noticed until the photographs below how L O N G it really is), and then my last Sangria Saturday.

Thankful for today. And for all the yesterdays I have been able to call T my friend. She's the best. And I love her dearly.

Fix You.

I have been obsessed with this song this week.

I randomly found this from So You Think You Can Dance.

And I just... melted.

I mean seriously. We've all been there.

Sometimes we are the one who is leading the way, and being strong for someone else.

And then, sometimes we are the one who is carried.

The visual.

Is stunning.

gracie & the fit

seriously.

she cracks me up.

she has been so anxious and snuggly.

i hope she's less anxious after monday, but still snuggly.

just.love.her.

packing breakthrough.

Packing and Moving are not accomplished over night. Well, I suppose it depends on the volume that you are processing and transporting.

That said, today was the first day that a noticeable shift in my productivity happened. In part because I switched cars with Matty and was able to take several trips to the garbage canisters and donation drop offs. 1) I love the Fit for bopping around and running errands. 2) Matt actually had a CD playing in the car I loved upon first listen. 3) I ran into my dad and he thought I was driving a spaceship.

I took my last run to drop off another car load of trash, and the sun was making its way below the Mountain skyline. The clouds were puffy, and full of white marshmallow goodness, the mountains were a vibrant and saturated blue. I paused before deciding what to do for dinner, and then headed into town. My favorite time of year to live in Lexington is the summer. I love that there are always places to park, and that the general population decreases with the summer vacation. I drove through with the windows open, and just breezed through. When I was on my way back to the house, for the first time since I've decided to move, thought quietly to myself that I will be trading this small town for an actual city. Not an enormously populated one, or traffic nightmare. But a definite city. My small town, this small town- that has both helped me grow and held me back will be traded in for a city skyline... and that is just weird.

Gracie I believe, is convinced that she is not going. She has followed me around from every room in the house, and is typically at my feet. The only other time she has been this needy in the span of our 8 year relationship, was typically around my days of free spirited travel. She hated the suitcases coming out, and would get sad. I know she's a dog, but she's got feelings- and she was sad. This summer we've been connected at the hip. When Krystal and Kristyn were here, they'd tell me about Gracie's whining if I was outside and she was inside. I think she will be more depressed when I start working again- but I admit this month long sabbatical has been worth it, because I have loved hanging out with her.

I took a picture when I walked back into the house in the middle of loading up the car that struck me. It was bizarre for a moment, to appreciate that come next Monday night I will be assembling my bed in a brand new place. I sent the picture to friends that have loved and lived life with me here in this house, or have been intentional with me in this journey. The responses that came in reciprocated the sentimental aspect of the move. Though, Seth's seriously cracked me up laughing as he pointed out something he saw in the picture and was asking me questions about it.

I have a running list of things in my mind that I love and will miss about this address.

Do you have a favorite memory?

I am going to try and scribble some of them down on postcards- to continue documenting all aspects of this year, this journey for that project.

Either way- today the shift had been made. I went from living in the midst of chaos to actually breaking through into progress. And. That was good, because I was about to have a complete meltdown.

hard.

I move out of this house one week from today. The house looks like a train hit it.

And while I am excited about the move, I must admit I've been served some very intense and hurtful emotional curve balls in the past couple of days. I got off the phone on Friday night and just sort of slid into this very deep, and somewhat dark place. Since then, I've debated the course of action (there is always a course of action for this 'do-er'), and have been reminded that I won't always know where to go instantly.

Yesterday in Church I sat next to Cathy and Lydia, and listened to Essen talk about "Jesus isn't for 'nice people' He is for sinners". He kept talking about how nice we try to be, instead of how broken we are before Christ. The phrase "nice people" struck a chord. A deep nerve.

I think sometimes I agree to things because I think I should, or because I'm trying to love well. However, I have realized in the past couple of days that saying "no more" or "you lied, and intentionally hurt me" are not bad things. I have battled through what forgiveness and reconciliation look like, and where the birth of a renewed friendship comes from.

Two and a half years ago I made a bold, and painful decision to sever communication between myself and someone I had cared about. There were a lot of reasons for it, and we both knew that a major shift was necessary in our friendship. Though, I knew choosing it hurt someone else, and I felt like a failure. It was a long silence. This past March, I made a more bold choice then asking for space- and I broke the silence. Mark returned my call within the afternoon. And we talked for about an hour. It was different, and we spent a little time talking loosely about what had happened between us. I got off the phone and was thankful that in all of the space, and in the 2 year silence that the Lord had done what I needed to happen for that friendship to be healthy. We saw each other this past May for the first time in a long while. I hadn't realized how much I had changed and grew until that dinner. I was thankful for the journey and maturity in Mark as we shared stories, and laughed at life. Our friendship in no way resembles the one that had to die. But it was one that required the decision to end something hurtful, to heal from that, and then when it was time- regardless of how long that time took to come, we could again be in touch.

I am on the brink of a similar choice. And it is tearing my heart open and wide to what the Lord desires for my heart and the way that I am treated. The choices that I make to whom I will be vulnerable before, and who I will trust. It's just a hard, impossible to understand immediately place. Sometimes wanting more, is just really about wanting better.

As I pack up boxes that hold more then "stuff" but artifacts and memories that tell the story of my life, I am silently praying for what gets left here... what I am taking with me- one week from today... I am sensing the confidence to make a choice I've fought against for a really long time... and that is both incredible, and impossibly hard at the same exact time.

In any event.

Piece by piece.

Box by box.

Memory by memory.

This house is on its way to being packed up, and I'm really excited for next week.

t & co.

7 years ago I bought a silver ring from Tiffany & Co. I had loved it a long time. I wore it everyday. A couple of years later my ring size changed, and this ring would fall off my finger ALL THE TIME. So finally. In 2009 I bought a new ring. A whole size smaller.

In the past 4 months I have, once again gone down a ring size. I had noticed this, and was always mindful of this beloved ring on my finger.

A few weeks ago in the middle of dancing, crazy dancing... this 2nd ring flew off my finger. I was in the middle of disco lights, loud music, people, and I just stood quietly staring at the floor. Alexis looked at me with his inquisitive and concerned eyes, and when I realized that there was no way of finding it, I walked away. I walked off the dance floor. I was quietly devastated.

Having used poor judgement that night, I battled with whether or not I should purchase a new one. I waited. Finally deciding that yes, I was going to replace it I went online to do so. There were no sizes available. I called Tiffany's and spoke to a Sales Rep. Told her my situation, and she did a nationwide inventory search for my ring, in a smaller size. With only a few left in the Country, I was able to call the store in Beverly Hills, and purchased my ring over the phone. I covered all my bases about returning/exchanging if in fact the size smaller would not fit, etc.

A week later UPS arrives, Gracie barks... and I open up the box to find a perfectly tissue wrapped blue box inside. When opening Tiffany's in the past, admittedly its a fairly giddy euphoric feeling. Yesterday it just kind of hurt. I pulled the ring out of the pouch, slipped it on my finger... and winner. The smaller size was perfect. A sigh of relief.

Having packed and compiled a massive stack of garbage bags I went to take the garbage to the dump. After throwing one bag into the canister, I second thought wearing my new replaced, brand new ring and placed it on top of my car. Knowing it was a poor life decision, but was so distracted in my own thought just left it there. I drove away, heard a noise- which triggered the memory that I had in fact left the ring on top of the car. I was already three miles away, had gone about 60 mph. I turned around, went back, and started casing the ground. Thinking and believing it was gone. No way I would find it. I thought quietly to myself that the chances I'd be able to buy another one in an already depleted inventory was going to be near impossible.

As I walked back to my car I saw that there was a branch stuck in my license plate, and then I looked up and saw this...

Can you believe that my ring, in the speed, the driving, the turns, the starts, the stops went down the roof of my car, and nestled itself perfectly into the crevice between my back window and trunk?

Seriously. That is amazing.

Last night someone asked me how I was doing. I shared this story with the preface of, "please don't yell at me about this, but..." Thankfully this person agreed: amazing that I found it. But I think in a larger scope this story reflects more about where I am in my head, and how I am actually doing.

My focus is just out of whack. I'm typically very organized, very on task/point, very very very focused. And by typically, maybe I just mean in my professional life? In the work place I'm completely collected and am able to multi-task seamlessly. I thrive in the chaos, the endless to do list.

However. Right now I just can't. And I need too... because I have made a commitment. A choice. A decision. That I have not once regretted, doubted, or hesitated. The Lord has made is so abundantly clear, and peaceful, that there has not been room to ever pause in a dark or sad moment. The freedom and the ability to rest so much in the plan and future has allowed me the emotional space to really finish up and tie up loose ends that still remain in my heart. Things you are not really aware of in the hustle and bustle of a busy day, week, or life. Being forced to pause, and stop the social calendar enough to put things into boxes- means also, touching the fabric of life. Photographs, letters, postcards, tokens... artifacts of a life lived, experiences and relationships loved.

I lost my ring once, two weeks ago in the midst of a dance floor and party goers. It was not found. And I was incredibly sad.

I lost my ring again, two weeks later in the midst of a busy and racing mind and heart. It was found. And I was incredibly grateful.

I have learned things from both, and while the first time still frustrates me, I'm glad that upon the 2nd I was able to see what I have to do, for my heart, mind, and general health. Sometimes, I am, the last person I will fight for in that way. True.Story.

a quadruple dinner/movie date.

It started out with Leah and I wanting to see a movie and hang out. Then it turned into date night. Then Andrew and Matty got invited. Then JJ and Brian. And then last, of course not least, Kaitlan and Chris.

They are a crazy crew. But I love those girls, and hanging out with a bunch of married people? Hilarious. Especially when Matt and I are for the most part, older then all of them (minus Chris).

I love the banter, the ridiculous stories, the random outbursts of laughter, the pop culture debates- and even the inappropriate things that are left said at at the dinner table.

I was thankful to share for an evening with Matt, the chaos, the friendship, and the laughter of my Roanoke BFF's. Closing in on this time in Virginia, I have been thankful for the many things of excitement and celebration- to the more simple things like HSM. Tomorrow all the procrastination has to come to a halt, and I have to work in the house... and I have to get the thing pulled together.

But tonight? I got to laugh. A lot. And that was worth it.