It has been discussed here on this blog, and in some friendships what I do when I'm alone and traveling solo. I think the overwhelming truth is, I am able to back away from all that is distracting from home life, and my role there. I am able to tackle things that I typically avoid and I am able to rest my mind a little bit so perhaps I can hear my heart with more discernment.
In writing on this blog, and now writing a more intentional piece of work I have been able to reflect quite a bit on the things that have wained on my heart, things that I have gathered along the way in peace, and things that I discovered for the first time about myself.
Some of the new discoveries would include:
1) I can push myself much further and harder then I thought possible. A few examples:
a) The Look Out: Climbing to the look out on Phi Phi Island in Thailand. Recovery from bronchitis and not being incredible fit lent itself to the challenge of that climb, and I freaked out. But...I did it. I saw the top. I saw below all that I marched upwards through. It was like leading a cabin of girls through the obstacle course for the first time, it sucks but everyone has to make it through together... and I had that experience half a world away from home and it was amazing.
b) Conversations: I have had some painfully vulnerable conversations in the past year. I have pushed myself to be more open, more articulate, and more emotional. Yes...I am emotional anyway by nature. But when things of the heart are concerned, I have consistently been a true lock box of tears unwilling to let them flow unless absolutely necessary. I have been a fountain of tears, both in indecision (deciding whether to leave camp), in homesickness (in California on the phone the last days), in joy (Family Christmas Gift Exchange), in hurt (in losing a friend), in friendship (opening up about how much someone really means), in goodbyes (both of experience and in people), and in hellos. I have cried through these conversations that have consumed moments and hours in days that I have not had much else to distract me from my internal thought process. I have pushed myself to be open, and I have pushed myself harder in this one facility then I ever have. I realize that this could not have been accomplished without a listening ear on the other end... whether that ear has been on the other end of the cell phone line, sitting on the couch with me, or sitting across from me at the Waffle House... I know that my tears and words were received with most profound acceptance of love and their hand holding mine.
2) Photography: I love it. I knew that I always did. I remember buying my first camera and my mom trying to explain to me the expense of film and photo development. I don't know how many rolls of film I lost before I got them printed, or how much I really understood what I was doing. I have spent a lot of time taking photos in my adventures and I have seen such a natural progression of skill emerge. I have been inspired by things across the world, and then back again in my living room. I am not sure what I will ever do with all the photos I have captured, and I am not sure that even really matters to me. I love looking at them, and I love sharing a little bit of what I've seen in the tangible sense.
3) Solitude: I have learned a thing or two about how to be quiet. The sound of my own voice in my heart and head is so much different then that which comes out of my mouth. What a lesson to learn. I like the one inside so much better then the sound that comes barreling out uncensored (sometimes I am not so outspoken, rarely, but it happens). In spending time alone I have found that I can keep myself company, and that I'm fun- even without attention, laughs, jokes, and sarcasm. How to translate this part of me that I have fallen in love with into the girl that everyone knows at home is a continued challenge and balance.
4) People are the same everywhere: we are all broken people. We all want to be loved more then we can even stand. My wise friend once said that if all our basic needs were met, food, shelter, love, that the world could really be changed. I believe her, and I wish I could re articulate the way she described it here, because it was so eloquent. I have met strangers in foreign lands, and in familiar cities in the US... I have been asked questions about who I am, what I'm doing, how's my stay, etc... and I have been honest about my journey. I have spoken about what the Lord has done in my life, and my ever eager plea to understand and follow what He aches for me next. Despite the culture changes, religious points of view, age, gender, and race, I have found we are all the same... in the most sincere capacity. I knew this before, but I have felt this truth resonate with me more and more as I've relied on strangers for company while alone, and as I've allowed myself to be open with people I wouldn't normally connect with. We all just want to be loved. It is my prayer that as I have received encouragement while sharing parts of my story or the whole thing to those that I'll never see again, that I have left them with equal parts hope and love... because we both needed the same thing, we're just on different journeys trying to get it.
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