Great Expectations

I love this bridge. I love that I lived in Virginia and drove past this bridge for four years without ever noticing it until Tex pointed it out. Since then this bridge has been something I instinctively look over at when driving past mile marker 221 on 81, I feel like if I don't look at it something may be off in the universe. How strange that we can drive by things without ever seeing them before, and then once we see them, we can't ignore them? 

I wonder how often I have been so quick to go by and through something that I neglect to notice the simple beauty of a moment, or a token of affection in a conversation. I have great expectations, and these expectations I realize have led me down roads of frustration and disappointment. The standards I hold for my friends and family are ridiculous, and while I hold myself to the same accord I am often met with the realization I'm just insane for expecting so much. I'd like to think that I challenge people in good ways, and that I can sense a greater potential that I push others towards... I know that for myself the Lord has placed some significant people in my life that have encouraged and challenged me to be better then the current version. I don't know where I'd be, or who I'd be without these gifts of people.

The learning process for me is how to exhibit grace when my expectations of others are not being met, when its not their fault- its mine, and how to break through the moment in which I push them away or shut them out. For some reason their efforts were simply not enough, their friendship was not deserving enough, their purpose was not going to be with enough excellence. 

I was told recently in a joking manner that I exude an attitude of perfection. I understand that we all have a sense of perfection in our ego, and I also understand that this friend was being facisious. Truth of the matter I know is that at the bottom of sarcasm and antagonism lies the rawness of honesty. I know that I am not perfect. I also know that I struggle with all my imperfections and inadequacies on a regular basis. I know that I have an ego, and I know that I'm insecure. Somewhere in there lies the balance in my heart of complete reliance on Christ to redeem all my failings with the gifts He has given me. 

I want to be better. I want to work through the issues that I have, whether they range from commitment, perfection and ego, desire of control of big and small issues, oh the list could continue for days. I want to hand them all over and see what can be formed out of the muddy clay. I want to live up to the expectation I have for others in myself, and I want to be able to let go of the grip of frustration I have when I feel let down.

I don't want to be so focused on the road that I neglect to look to the side and see the trees, the flowers, and the simple beauty of what remains of a time before highways in a stone bridge. I want to be able to point these things out to others so that they may pause and appreciate the view, and I want to notice all the little things that I am often too busy to stop and stare at. I want my great expectations of maturity and poise to translate themselves into great exhibitions of love, growth, and grace. I want to live a life built more on those truths then the fallacies Satan tells me are of more value and purpose. 

I just want to start seeing the Bridges that I've missed for four years, four months, or four minutes. 

Small Town Life

In going with the new job, I also chose my small town and this past Thursday I had a small town kind of night. We all went to the Pink Hut (Ice Cream place) in Lexington and brought Gracie and Mogs. Eating ice cream together as the warm day cooled off, and laughing at the dogs brought this sense over my heart knowing "Kari, this is what you stayed for...not for a career, for this simple moment with the dogs, some friends and an ice cream cone." I am not going to pretend its been easy transitioning back into being at home, and how much I miss the glamour of being a full time traveler. I can sense how the honeymoon period of my return home is coming to a pass as some friendships enter in the 'testiness' of constant socialization. It's about now that I would typically head out of town for a little bit, and well... I am not going anywhere, I'm here- so I suppose its the battling through this transition that has begun in some friendships. 

I think what is a challenge for me personally right now is the idea of just wanting easy for a little bit. We are not promised easy, we are not promised anything beyond Christ's salvation for those who believe. I just want more. I want more certainty, I want this transition to be easy, I want training to be easy, and I want in this moment to float through this time in my life unscathed. Such wishing is ridiculous, and I know that I don't really want it to be a piece of cake. I know that the growing and learning is an imperative part of the plan and I don't want to miss it. I think I'm just tired. I want to be less sassy, a little less feisty, more assertive, practice more patience, and understand the love I have in my life with more gratitude. 

So things are otherwise finally settling into a routine. I know when I have to be up in the morning, I have my evening routine back into motion, and I am responding to the alarm clock which I worried I would ignore. The social pace in conjunction with the work pace has been a teetering effect, and I am realizing that ignoring the voice inside that says some alone time is starting to take its toll. 

I have wished for the Ocean, and I have shared with new people the experiences of the past year and what it has meant to me. Consistently being on the go was a tremendous strain that I didn't realize until I stopped. I have felt myself breathe a little deeper now in home life, but I have also sensed the part of my heart curiously wonder what adventure waits next.  While I wrote the book about this past year with discipline before starting work, I have tried to be intentional during the night hours getting through some of it and inserting things that have come to mind since writing particular parts. I have read sections that I have loved and have struggled with connecting what I wrote to the fact it came from me! Is that weird? 

So life continues. This is my 100th entry and according to my blog counter thing I have had 402 views on this blog since it began. I have read through much of the blog while writing the book, and I have been comforted in knowing that I utilized this space to release thoughts and dreams as they happened. I'm glad for the vulnerability and truth behind the words, and I'm moved by the response I have had from those that have read it- those including close friends and those who are acquaintances.

Busy Life and Mountain Top Views

It's a busy life. It always has been and I suppose it will remain that way until I am able to slow down the wheel a little bit. I started my new job last Friday- and am about to finish my first complete week with BB&T. I have been learning all sorts of new things about money, checks, crime, federal regulations, and the people that I am training with. The stories I could share here are endless, and I wish I could put up a video some of the funny moments of me at the bank... working with folks that have accents rooted in the VA and WV mountains I immediately sense my New Englandish speed and dialect fade, and I slide right into y'all's, and pitches I haven't utilized since I was ten trying to impersonate Mariah Carey. Truth is the job is good, I'm learning a lot and have been ahead of the schedule all week. I feel like I did the right thing in accepting the position, and I'm glad that I'm not in the constant state of indecision and possibility about my future. 

Last weekend was hard on my heart though, as Tex and I went to Kentucky to visit mutual friends and attend the races at Keeneland. My social network continues to grow there, and I struggle with living such a great life there, and here at the same time. My friendship with Julie has really grown in the years, and I am so thankful that I can count on her for prayer, support, warm hospitality, and genuine companionship. When Tex and I left the group to return home on Sunday afternoon, we walked away and I was sad. I couldn't help it. I look backed and waived goodbye and thought of all the things that I wish I could do if I lived there full time, and how I almost moved there! In one sense there is a part of me that knows that life would never look full time what it does in my quick visits, but there is a taste of warmth that I love and that is what I always wish I could extend. 

We returned home and I had my first real full day with the Bank on Monday. I quickly headed north to Staunton for the Valley Young Life banquet and had a great time, but the pace of the week never quite let up. Between House Dinner, and typical weekly social arrangements, I have been constantly on the go. Tomorrow however is Friday, and I am excited. I will have the house to myself for a majority of the night and Saturday night, and I'm really thankful for the opportunity to rest. 

As I get into the daily grind of what my life looks like now employed I have thought often of a sermon I heard in December about mountain tops. The preacher continued to make the point that 'we don't live on the mountain, the valley is where we live, that is where life is.' He continued his point by saying 'if Jesus is sufficient, we wouldn't always try to live on the mountain tops. Yet we spend so much energy trying to recapture them'.

I look back on this past year and I see several mountain peaks, and I see several times spent in the valley being grown and stretched in ways I could not have planned. The transition into work has been a great one, and I have nothing but gratitude for those training and encouraging me daily at work. I have also been traveling to my training  in Covington. I have had to drive over the mountain and down 64 by about 40 miles to my destination on Riverside. I have seen the morning light come through the sky line, and I have witnessed the sun begin its descend out of view. Spring is coming into bloom, and the fields are turning an emerald green and its beautiful... I have had great moments reflecting on God's creation on my drive to and from work each day this week. 

Life is in the Valley. I am making my way down off the mountain of adventure and am settling into the regular every day schedule I was ready for. I am curious about awaits me below, and I am anxious as I try to anticipate what it could mean, and what the point is of it all. The Lord has been gracious and provided me amazing opportunities to experience breathtaking views in foreign countries, have heart breaking moments away from those I loved, and quiet stillness to listen... to lean into His whisper. 

So while busy this week, happy. I am feeling like myself, I am feeling productive, I feel like I made the right choice- even if my heart is in KY.  I am wondering what the next mountain top experience will be, and I am loosening my grip on the desire to live still on the one I am leaving behind.

Out There

I have spent the past week moving through the last few days of my unemployment trying to prepare myself for the alarm clock on Friday. There have been moments of quiet reflection, and there having been moments of deafening silence... I have taken advantage of the opportunity to  explore the silences and see what I find.

It has been discussed here on this blog, and in some friendships what I do when I'm alone and traveling solo. I think the overwhelming truth is, I am able to back away from all that is distracting from home life, and my role there. I am able to tackle things that I typically avoid and I am able to rest my mind a little bit so perhaps I can hear my heart with more discernment. 

In writing on this blog, and now writing a more intentional piece of work I have been able to reflect quite a bit on the things that have wained on my heart, things that I have gathered along the way in peace, and things that I discovered for the first time about myself.

Some of the new discoveries would include:

1) I can push myself much further and harder then I thought possible. A few examples: 

a) The Look Out: Climbing to the look out on Phi Phi Island in Thailand. Recovery from bronchitis and not being incredible fit lent itself to the challenge of that climb, and I freaked out. But...I did it. I saw the top. I saw below all that I marched upwards through. It was like leading a cabin of girls through the obstacle course for the first time, it sucks but everyone has to make it through together... and I had that experience half a world away from home and it was amazing. 

b) Conversations: I have had some painfully vulnerable conversations in the past year. I have pushed myself to be more open, more articulate, and more emotional. Yes...I am emotional anyway by nature. But when things of the heart are concerned, I have consistently been a true lock box of tears unwilling to let them flow unless absolutely necessary. I have been a fountain of tears, both in indecision (deciding whether to leave camp), in homesickness (in California on the phone the last days), in joy (Family Christmas Gift Exchange), in hurt (in losing a friend), in friendship (opening up about how much someone really means), in goodbyes (both of experience and in people), and in hellos. I have cried through these conversations that have consumed moments and hours in days that I have not had much else to distract me from my internal thought process. I have pushed myself to be open, and I have pushed myself harder in this one facility then I ever have. I realize that this could not have been accomplished without a listening ear on the other end... whether that ear has been on the other end of the cell phone line, sitting on the couch with me, or sitting across from me at the Waffle House... I know that my tears and words were received with most profound acceptance of love and their hand holding mine. 

2) Photography: I love it. I knew that I always did. I remember buying my first camera and my mom trying to explain to me the expense of film and photo development. I don't know how many rolls of film I lost before I got them printed, or how much I really understood what I was doing. I have spent a lot of time taking photos in my adventures and I have seen such a natural progression of skill emerge. I have been inspired by things across the world, and then back again in my living room. I am not sure what I will ever do with all the photos I have captured, and I am not sure that even really matters to me. I love looking at them, and I love sharing a little bit of what I've seen in the tangible sense. 

3) Solitude: I have learned a thing or two about how to be quiet. The sound of my own voice in my heart and head is so much different then that which comes out of my mouth. What a lesson to learn. I like the one inside so much better then the sound that comes barreling out uncensored (sometimes I am not so outspoken, rarely, but it happens). In spending time alone I have found that I can keep myself company, and that I'm fun- even without attention, laughs, jokes, and sarcasm. How to translate this part of me that I have fallen in love with into the girl that everyone knows at home is a continued challenge and balance. 

4) People are the same everywhere: we are all broken people. We all want to be loved more then we can even stand. My wise friend once said that if all our basic needs were met, food, shelter, love, that the world could really be changed. I believe her, and I wish I could re articulate the way she described it here, because it was so eloquent. I have met strangers in foreign lands, and in familiar cities in the US... I have been asked questions about who I am, what I'm doing, how's my stay, etc... and I have been honest about my journey. I have spoken about what the Lord has done in my life, and my ever eager plea to understand and follow what He aches for me next. Despite the culture changes, religious points of view, age, gender, and race, I have found we are all the same... in the most sincere capacity. I knew this before, but I have felt this truth resonate with me more and more as I've relied on strangers for company while alone, and as I've allowed myself to be open with people I wouldn't normally connect with. We all just want to be loved. It is my prayer that as I have received encouragement while sharing parts of my story or the whole thing to those that I'll never see again, that I have left them with equal parts hope and love... because we both needed the same thing, we're just on different journeys trying to get it. 

Faves

A Current List of Favorite Things:

1) The song: Los Angeles by the Counting Crows on their latest album.

2) Spearmint Gum called: Rain. It's amazingly bubblecious.

3) My carnation pink pashmina. Not to be confused with my hot pink pashmina, or my bashful pink pashmina... this carnation pink pashmina is distinctly different.

4) Mary's status updates on April Fool's Day, latest one: She's preggers.

5) Hot Tea, Cold Tea... but not sweet tea. Nope, I prefer my tea without 10 teaspoons of sugar.

6) The beachy read novel: Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah. Read it in a day, loved it.