Old Slavery

Jean, Myself, and Shiela.

Tonight I had dinner with the two ladies above and Dave. The moment Jean opened her mouth memories of 'isms' came to mind and I couldn't stop smiling: craptacular, BMH, etc...The four of us worked together at Old Navy and shared in some randomly fun good times, and in parting some not so great ones. Jean hired me in 2000, and as she likes to say 'developed' me through the three years in training and pushing me along into more responsibility. I have always felt that I would work for Jean anywhere doing anything. I grew a lot under her leadership and care, and while we are personally so very different I appreciated her take on relationships and her management style. Shiela was also a Manager in Hamden, and our bond of friendship has continued in the four years since I moved to Virginia. I was in her wedding, and last year she and her family drove down to VA to spend a few days at my house. Dave, I haven't seen in years but he makes me laugh so hard. Dave started at Old Navy while a Sr. in High School and went full time after he graduated. He was a "men's lead' which he loved, and he worked under Jean so the little circle continues.

Memories can play tricks with your heart. As I sat at dinner tonight people's faces and names came flooding back and suddenly I was in this euphoric memory of the past. All the goofy things that made me laugh so hard then are still funny, and while remembering some difficult situations and conversations the twinge of hurt no longer quite as sharp or bitter. It's great to see growth in heart over time, and its comforting to know that despite time elapsing at what seems an ever quickening pace, that four people can sit at a table for the first time in four years and that we could share our lives with each other. I was deeply touched by the experience and hope that in the future when I return to Hamden in visits that I will be able to call on these friends and meet up once again.

There are these random snap shots we get into our past that sometimes can bring us peace of mind and heart that we don't anticipate. While driving around Hamden today and seeing these friends I was reminded of what my life looked like when I lived here. As I pulled into my parking spot tonight at my dad's apartment I had this thought "Kari, remember when you lived here? Remember what that was like? Remember when you came home every night to this door and walked up those steps? Remember who you were? Remember what you were thinking about the future and how you approached your present day?" In those questions live this minuscule moment that tries to convince you that returning to this place would bring you back to that time and that your life would continue. The trick of the matter is, I left a place, a job, part of my life for a reason. The calling to some new adventure was strong, and I prayed and prayed for the Lord to guide my steps as I jumped off into the unknown. I don't regret making those choices and taking the roads I did...but sometimes in a night such as tonight, and in a place I grew so much in such as here, I begin to think that I can recapture something I am missing by returning...and the truth is: I can't.

I can just remember. I can take it all in, and hug those friends I dearly loved then...but in a few days I will get back in my car and I will drive 8 hours south to my life in Virginia. I will pull into my driveway and walk into my house that I love, I will see a dog wagging her tail violently with affection, I will see faces of people that I love tremendously in the 'now' of my life, and I will sit down on the couch and I know that while the memory of the daydreaming of returning to the past in CT will linger, I know that I will choose for me now what I had to leave here for. Hopefully I will be able to stay in better touch with memories and people in the distance, as to be able to accomplish the entire "have your cake and eat it too" sense of marrying the past which in some way I desire- with the present which is what my heart truly wants and needs in order to bring me to the future.

The Long Way Home

Here I am. In Connecticut. I lived in this state for 20 years. They say there's nothing quite like going home again, and I think for the most part that is true. What has struck me through the years moving from one house, to an apartment, and then around to a few more- is how different it feels pulling into each driveway...and how none truly compares the driveway of the house you grew up in. I used to fall asleep in the car on the way home from just about anywhere- but once the car turned up Shadblow Hill I knew that I was home and it was time to get out of the car. The comfort that feeling brought to my heart has not been lost in my memory through the years and I have often wondered if it is going to be replaced in the future when I am truly settled in a home with my very own family.

What does remind me of comfort and a sense of pulling up the driveway with the familiarity of a blanket is being in the homes of either of my parents. My dad keeps a fairly simple apartment in Hamden, Ct where I once lived when we moved out of Ridgefield. He has stayed in the same place now for about 7 years, which is crazy to think that its been that long since I lived in "The Ridge". Looking around his apartment are the typical furnishings, dining table, television, comprehensive surround sound equipment set up, etc... nothing really brings anything to mind or heart of past significance. But when I take a closer look I see items that once decorated the home we shared as a family, and I am reminded of seeing a particular painting on a different wall- in a far off house in a far off time. As I sit here, every 15 minutes with a different chime the grandfather clock bells off the meaning of a quarter past, or thirty minutes into an hour the same way its has done for the past fifteen years. I am reminded of the times I would hear it in our old house and how other times the chaos of 7 of us at one time living together would completely over power the simple chimes it plays off.

When I visit my mom's home in Florida while her decor reflects a different theme then the house I used to live with her in, there are pieces that I see that are of the olden days. When I pull open a cabinet drawer for something in the kitchen a particular knife is still being used that we had in the old house, and there is a beautiful piece of furniture that lives in her bedroom that reminds me of the living room we had that had white carpet in it before we refinished the hardwood floors. I used to walk from the screened in porch where we would eat dinner in during the warm months with dishes and serving platters of food, just praying that my clumsy self would not drop anything on the pristine white carpet.

All of these little tokens and little things recreate what I think my heart misses. I think my heart misses a central location for my entire family, a place where I can walk in the door and see everyone. I know that we are all happy where we are, and being scattered across the country does add some excitement for vacation destinations...but sometimes I do want a sitcom situation. I wish seeing my parents was as easy as a ten minute drive for dinner...instead I drove 8 hours today to come north to visit with my dad, or in other situations put myself on a plane to get to my mom. I am comforted with being here, and I am encouraged that one day I perhaps will settle down and have a central location for my children and their children- which is so weird for me to think, let alone write, because I seldom think about my future in that context. Recently my life has been this open canvas as to whatever the Lord would have me go, be, do, love, and change...so to think of being rooted, settled, in one place is just kind of funny as nothing in my life right now reflects any of those adjectives. But oh the future. How you will amaze me, and how you will completely take me by surprise.

While I am in Hamden I do plan to see some special friends I had when I lived in this area, and as I travel to Ridgefield during my time in CT I am sure many of the feelings above will come to the surface as I get reacquainted with the small town that I lived in and loved dearly comes into focus and seeing friends from the past will bring up all sorts of memories of folks loved and missed as life continues to ramble on.

So the long way home. It took 8 hours to get to the time machine that is my Father's house with all the tokens and memories tucked away into familiar pictures, and family heirlooms. I wonder if home will continue to change as I get older, and as my family changes. Yet, I know that when I am in Ridgefield this weekend I will take Ivy to Florida Hill and turn left onto Shadblow Hill, and I will pass by the home I so dearly loved from 1982-1997...and I will remember the playhouse my Poppa built for me that lived in the back yard, and I will remember the Secretary Desk that lived in the living room and witnessed every little thing dropped on the white carpet I tried to hide or deny I was responsible for... and the time machine will continue and I will be grateful for having such strong bonds and love for my childhood..the childhood I raced through to get to my adulthood because I thought that's when all the real stuff happened. Oh, why do we race through our lives to get to what we think is better? Let's just all slow down. It happens way too fast.

Birthday Goodness

So my birthday weekend came and went and it was fantastic. I am warning you now, I use the word fantastic quite a bit when describing things as of late, and it gets a little old...but I still love it.

On Saturday Tex and I went up to Falls Church, VA to The State Theater to see Pat Monahan perform a fun little show. I love Pat. He did not disapoint and I left just giggling like a little kid. The encore performance that ended somewhere after midnight brought in my official day of birth. We decided to take advantage of the hour we were going to save by bringing the clocks back, by driving around Washington DC at night- and it sure was beautiful. I commented then, that everything is so much smaller now that I'm older. I remember the infamous 8th grade ERMS trip to DC and was taken aback by the sheer size and volume of each place we went. Now, its miniature looking...but still beautiful.


On Sunday I was off to a slow start due to the hour I got to bed, 3:45am (but really 4:45am), but I was able to get myself dressed and ready for church. On Sunday evening friends were to come over and partake in some birthday celebrating- and I was very touched by all the thought that went into the menu by Matt, and the time Theresa invested in helping him prep. I got to hang out and play CLUE with Joel and Tex and enjoyed a lazy afternoon laughing at losing all three games. SO THANKS to everyone who called, emailed, sent cards, and showed up to celebrate my birthday with me- it really meant a lot to share it with such special friends!

Right now I'm sitting on my bed because its the coolest place in the house- tonight was the first night for the wood stove and its fantastic. It is very warm in the living room, and I have had to make sure to continue to drink water and moisturize! Gracie is curled up and is staring at me begging me not to leave town tomorrow. She has witnessed "the BAG" making its way onto the bed to collect all the items I will be needing with me on the latest trip, and has pouted as said bag has made its way by the door. Tomorrow I am getting in the car AGAIN, but going North. I am going to CT...which is a little strange b/c I don't go home much ever these days. But the opportunity to go is here, and I will have a purpose while there so I'm thankful. I have not been to Ridgefield for more then 10 minutes in over 2 years... I am excited to hang out in town and see that random person and reconnect for a moment in conversation.

So tomorrow I will put myself in the Honda, put the IPOD on Shuffle and make my way up and through VA, WV, MD, NJ, NY and into CT...until next time...

The Gap and Rent Laughter

Caroline and I...I heart her.


I just spent under 48 hours visiting Chris and Caroline McGlade in Asheville, North Carolina. I got in my car around noon on Halloween and arrived in the early evening, just in enough time to make it to the Halloween Party I had not anticipated attending. Stops along the way got adjusted and so I arrived at the McGlade house with a flurry of pressure to get a costume together. I came to terms with the fact that I'd arrive unprepared, but ended up pulling off a "Paparazzi" Costume. The party was fun, and I enjoyed meeting some new folks and seeing old Windy Gap favorites.

I spent the morning yesterday taking it easy and running to same favorite spots, and then went out to Windy Gap around 1pm. I was able to catch up with an old summer staff friend, Andrew who did Summer Staff in the Snack Bar the summer of '04 with Tiff Tiff and I. It was great to catch up with him in the store, where he is now working part of his year long internship. The circles we run in with Young Life are not as big as we imagine them to be.

This morning I was treated to a delicious breakfast with Caroline, some shopping, and then got back into the car. I am thankful for the quick visit, and wish it had been longer...BUT now I am HOME. The girls are out of the house right now, so its Gracie and I are just sitting on the couch catching up on "Pushing Daisies" and "Grey's Anatomy" from this past week.

Today in the car I was getting a little bored so I opted to listen to the entire Rent Broadway Original Soundtrack from start to finish. While I was an obsessed fan while in high school and I can't even begin to tell you how many hours I spent blasting the soundtrack, I have not paid much attention to it in years. Today I started off with the beginning, and somewhere in there I was laughing. I knew almost every single word as it played on, and I couldn't believe what memories it brought back of friends that also loved the musical and the times we made the trip from Ridgefield to NYC to view it on the stage. I suppose the greatest thing that came of all of these random thoughts and memories was the fact that I just laughed straight out loud. Laughing for no reason other then myself singing along with great enthusiasm, and laughing just to myself alone in my car at first felt weird, I got a little self conscious. But then...it just got funnier and I was just taken aback by the ability I had to keep myself entertained on my 4 1/2 car ride. It was a great experience.

Laughing. At myself. At the past. At the future. All in the Honda on 81 North today finished off a great trip to North Carolina. And look, now the girls are home and Gracie is whining like its Santa Claus... all in a day.

From Here to There and Back Again

So its Tuesday afternoon 1:04pm and I am excited to be sitting at my dining room table. The leaves are still changing outside and the hammock is swaying in the crisp fall air. Lexington, Virginia: You Are Beautiful.

I had a restful sleep snuggling with Gracie in the Princess Bed. Since my last post I have been to Springfield and Columbus, Ohio, then Indianapolis, Lexington, Kentucky, and then back again. I have put some miles on my car in the past week, but it has definitely been worth it.

Not that my life is difficult by any stretch of the imagination, I have had the doubts and bouts with the Lord about my future which has allowed for some emotional strain and consequence. Getting out of town proved to be what the Doctor ordered and so I am feeling hopeful and again back into the excitement of this adventure. Tomorrow I will return to my car and drive about four and a half hours in a different direction from this week: kids we are going on 81 South. My destination? Asheville, NC a home away from home for me. I will be down there a few days, repeating the same trip I took last year. I am looking forward to seeing my sweet sweet encouraging and lovely friends down there. I will then return home on Friday evening for a fun Birthday weekend at home.

Some fun ways that I was loved this weekend:
1) Kerri stocked her fridge with Diet Coke and had Taquitos in her freezer. She also printed out pages of directions to Target, Coffee shops, and other retail points of interest to keep me busy when she was at work from 11am-5pm. It was fabulous. We had great conversation and I felt taken care of while in her home and loved seeing her outside of the camp environment we spent the summer in together.

2) Mark and I went to the Cheesecake Factory and did not diverge from our typical plan, and we laughed. While this is not surprising for those of you who know us...you just kind of forget how good it is to be together. I saw Mark about a month ago in Columbus, so it was fun to be again in his home, his house, his life...and within minutes of seeing each other I was laughing. The kind of laugh that comes with a stomach ache, with the intensity that boggles your mind... it was so comforting. We had good conversation, inappropriate hilarious conversation, and fun quiet time while in a movie. He's my boo and I love him.

3) Emily and I spent a good Friday night out with each other, but also spent the day on Saturday bumming around Indianapolis. She asked me good questions, she listened, she reminded me that life is a continuous journey, and most of all I was encouraged by the thought that all the good and all the bad are part of the point and we've just got to keep going. The Fairy Tales are great, but I want something real. My friendship with Emily has never been anything short of being real. I felt well loved in that knowledge of having friends in life that stick around, that you work through life with, you celebrate with...and some days you can just pour your heart out to and in the next moment laugh about some random thing you just saw.

4) Julie and Seth Michels. What is there that isn't great there? I showed up and Julie made me grilled cheese for lunch and we sat and talked for a couple of hours while she made lasagna, and I recounted every last detail of my life since the last time we had a serious chat. I felt loved in her laughter about random stories of travels and friends, and I felt loved in her input in areas that I am working through. I went to a fun dinner with Seth and Julie and some other Young Life staff people and had an amazing time. Then to Campaigners, and it continues to touch my heart knowing the places and situations that the Lord puts me in to further understand His purpose and calling for my life. I miss High School kids, and while I have prayed about leading for a long time, I can sense the timing now and I can see how I could in the very near future.

5) The Ride Home: to be able to break down great things about an experience tends to make the glow last a little longer, and I had that in the ride back with Tex. I was able to share about my six days of fun away and we were able to have great conversation on the phone commenting about important matters, and then wondering about the color of the sky and the size of the moon. The drive between the Lexington's is not my personal favorite and at times gets a little tedious- so having someone to grab dinner with, stop and get gas with, coffee at the Tamarack Starbucks and laugh and yell with outside to get energy out is a God send. I felt well loved with the laughter, I felt well loved with the conversation and I felt well loved with having a friend to share the ride back with and to share in the memories I created while I was away.

So tomorrow I go again. It's a teaser being home. But I am excited to see North Carolina in the fall splendor of color.

101Times

101 Times my blog has been viewed. I would love to think that all my friends kept up with me in my absence by reading the blog, but seriously? Half of those viewings are probably times that I was self obsessed and re-read what I wrote while traveling. I should print them out and put them in a note book so I can keep them forever and ever and ever...and ever.

Today has been a great day. It's wonderful to be able to say that about a day without the aid of a "mountain top" experience to bring it up a notch. Often after I've experienced something unusual, beautiful, fantastic, exotic or adventuresome I can sit back and reflect with a sigh of relief and thanksgiving "what a great day". Today by several typical standards has been quite ordinary. I woke up, went to a breakfast place with Kerri and chatted for awhile. Then left her went to Barnes and Noble, read some magazines, bought some books, had some funny moments with the cashier (wink to MH), and then drove to where I scheduled a hair appointment earlier this morning for 1pm. I was in there a little bit, met a great stylist and walked out. Nothing so far unusual right? Now I am sitting in "Coffee Expressions" which is a local coffee shop that is very proud of its Independent Coffee Shop roots, so I am enjoying the fact I am supporting a local joint (although I do love me some Starbucks).

I have caught up on my email, stalked people on Facebook...and now I am just sitting enjoying a Mocha, catching a glance of my new 'do in the reflective glare on my laptop and I am doing well. In being unemployed things tend to get 'old'. You know, not having a regular schedule, not always having something to pour into- finding ways to be exerted (the Y has been fabulous for this physical aspect of that)--all create an air of moodiness or even boredom I suppose. I am usually happy and busy and emotionally connected to people I love. However, sometimes I can sense how I am bored so I cause trouble. Where do I cause trouble?

Well I act out in not eating all three meals a day, or drinking too much coffee or Diet Coke...
I act out in being argumentative because there's nothing else to do.
I act out in over thinking every aspect of my life- the past 26 years and then next 26 years to come that I have no real control over. Doing this makes me sad, frustrated and just overall not the happiest person to be around. (While, I do support being introspective I do recognize a healthy medium in that process.)
I act out by not praying enough. Resting my prayers on "Lord, I seek your Will" instead of also petitioning for desires, dreams, closure, changes, healing, friendships, etc...
I act out by not keeping up with my household chores like maintaining a clean room, bathroom, or doing laundry AND PUTTING SAID CLEAN LAUNDRY AWAY.
I act out by not calling people back. By ignoring phone calls or text messages. (What is so ironic as I finished typing this sentence Emily called me, and said "Girl, WTF, are you coming tomorrow?"I never called her back to say "yes, I will see you Friday"...we laughed, but seriously thought I did call her back).
I act out by giving too much advice to people, by drawing too much attention to my friends and their situations and not enough time being constructive in my own life. This is a trouble area. If you are my friend and reading this, please do not send me emails about your frustration with me recently in this area. I know, I know, I know. I'm working on it. ;O)

While this list could go on, its just a stepping point. Sometimes I struggle with only one item on the list at a time, and other times I feel the entire weight of every little thing I could change, every little time I could be better then the mood- and yet sink into a funk, and then the ever changing and growing weight of seeking a purpose for this time that I feel called to live in... sometimes the purpose is not the exciting aspect of traveling...sometimes and especially when at home for a month it was about living at home, loving the people in my community, talking about my day to someone I lived with and not just random strangers like I did when I traveled solo, laughing at the dog-cat-friends---myself, resting for the cold that plagued my immune system, driving in the beauty of the mountains, those down moments and down days? I can take 'em. They come and go, but what remains is what matters. Being real. Being true. Being complicated. Being still. Being here and knowing that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing...today. We will get to tomorrow...tomorrow. (or at least in January when I get back from Thailand).

So 101 times this blog has been viewed. Even if mostly by myself, I can say that from reading it I have learned a lot by the thought process and the nature of things I found worth taking note of. While learning from our friends is important, and having family to support and facilitate growth, I have truly found in the time returning to this space has been encouragement to myself to keep going, to keep dreaming, and to keep people connected to those dreams, changes, and potential...because while nothing out of the ordinary happened today (with the exception of my psychical location being in Ohio), if we can't savor these simple days and find joy in them, what is the point?

David Cameron's Birth

Today is David Cameron Holmes' birthday. Today he turns 28 years old. Happy Birthday there friend. Another year, and we made it! Tonight we celebrated with house dinner in the usual fashion and Mandy made her deliciously comfortable lasagna... and we talked for awhile. A few of us were missing for various but not having 8 or 9 people crammed around the dinner table is definitely more conducive to conversation.

This afternoon I took a little drive to Roanoke to have coffee with the amazing Mary Pendleton Stafford. How I love thee. It amazes me how the Lord orchestrates things in our lives from the big to the very little...as I sat with Mary in her very cute kitchen I was just taken aback by the span of our conversation and how despite the differences in our lives, I could relate, I felt like I was heard, and I was understood. And even more importantly I felt challenged. To be better, to see clearer, and to keep moving up and through what my life is right now. Being complacent is not enough, and to be frustrated in situations I am not pursuing to change is not productive.

It's strange though how one person can stimulate all sorts of thoughts and feelings long after your time shared together has transpired. I drove home and while I do not like the sound of 'fester', some insights do stick and they start to crawl into your skin and you can tell that the Lord is inspiring some sort of change. Some sort of movement. Probably enough that I felt even a little moody on my way home because I could sense changes that I knew were time to make, and light was shed on the journey at hand. I felt encouraged by the things Mary said about growth, at looking back two years, and one year from today. It is priceless to have someone in your life that you can present yourself completely unedited and uncensored...there are boundaries in all friendships, pride issues when we are trying to vulnerable, but Mary? For some reason she is one of those women that I've been able to be blunt with to the point at times, that it is like being blunt with myself for the first time.

Who does that for you? Who has the Lord placed in your life and in conversation you have felt the itch to be better, the spark to edit somethings out of your life, or just face things you've been avoiding? I suppose its not always the same person and that sometimes days or weeks can go by before we are touched in such a profound way. I pray that you treasure who they are, that you don't avoid them, and that you are used as a catalyst in a similar fashion with men or women in your community.

So while conversation was great for my soul, I did not do a great job in taking care of my body today. I didn't have breakfast, had a small and crap lunch- drank too much Diet Coke and Coffee and then had dinner. I went to the Y today, and I know that I deserve the star I put on my fridge, I can now see how also not being good to myself was not good for my attitude either. It's so refreshing when you are able to see where moodiness can come from- makes you feel less crazy, and less manic that is for sure. If only we knew that while in the process of not drinking enough water, and not having enough nutrients in one day was going to make such a substantial movement on our attitude, we could remedy the problem before it became emotional. Only if I could learn this lesson.

Tomorrow I am getting in the car and heading to Springfield, Ohio to see my friend and Boo, Kerri. I get to spend some time with this special friend, and then see Mark on Friday. I will then travel to Indy to see Emily on the weekend, and then down to Lexington, KY to see Jules on Sunday...then back on Monday. It is going to be a whirlwind for sure, but I am looking forward to the friends I will see, touch, and talk to...while the idea of isolation and relaxation at some tropically warm and mild climate sounds amazing, and an idea that was entertained this past weekend- I am thankful that I chose friendship. Community. Conversation. Reconnection. Hugs. Fellowship. I mean, seriously- pool fabulous. But all of you? Simply fantastic- and exactly what this heart needs.