rest and complaint

I've been sort of a roller coaster recently. I know that its true because the first statement and place to look is, "kari, how is the quality of your rest?" Last week I had a dream, a bizarre and twisted dream in which my teeth started falling out. Mind you, I worked real hard for these straight precious gems and the idea of losing them while awake: terrifies me. Dreams about teeth has long said to be rooted in a lack in control, I didn't think much more of it. Then I was talking about it and thought well lets see what the Psychology journals say about this topic. Ok. I scanned through the meanings and interpretations, and finally on the last paragraph a spiritual consideration was written:

A scriptural interpretation for bad or falling teeth indicates that you are putting your faith, trust, and beliefs in what man thinks, rather than in the word of God.

Alright. That explanation and take was actually a wee bit closer to home. Well. It was all the way home, with the car parked in the garage.

How often do we do this? Seek the "counsel" of our peers, friends, community, and family for their input, opinions, and most of the time justification to feel a certain way, think a certain thing, react into a particular venue, or just console what we are struggling with.

In the most recent weeks I've been trying to relax and rest into life post Holiday. I think the one thing that I have struggled most in adapting is the knowledge and the value in what REST actually looks like. Instead of late nights at work, or early morning scrambling myself together, on a cycle that just wouldn't end... I am now well past the end. Its been 2 months since Christmas Day. How have I applied what I learned during that time, to this one?

Pace is a word used often at work. We talk about adjusting our pace to the flow of traffic, task, day, and season. Speed is what I remember being told to slow down my entire childhood. Either because of my chronic ankle sprains ("Kari, slow the hell down" --stan the man). Or because I was socially, way socially over stimulated. Never could quite sit still or be quiet.

Best thing learned while traveling solo?

Being still and quiet is ok. I don't always need to be "doing".

I adapted and truly began to understand, trust, and know the sound of God's voice (and my own) in the silence.

Yet. Now. I am here in this still somewhat new and unfamiliar place, and I've been flailing a little bit. I have been sensitive about things that I would never normally be. I've been quiet in moments that I would typically be expressing the root of tenderness. And yet, I've complained about situations, people, and circumstances instead of just being quiet. And still before Christ.

(the sermon Series at church right now may feel like it shines a spot light over my head each Sunday. Talking a lot about complaining. Yeah...).

Who am I trying to appease and justify?

What am I trying to establish?

Where am I trying to go? The future? The past?

When I complain what am I hoping to accomplish?

Why do I spend more time at lunch dates filling conversation up with complaint, then I do praying?

I seek the voices and faces of others because I think they matter more. My sin and self righteous behavior tells me that their thoughts and take are the most important.

I am trying to establish that I am right, or been wronged, am blameless.

Where I am going, is never forward. Its usually a tailspin backwards.

I am hoping to prove, and petition my point of view.

I do it, because I perceive that my voice will keep me in control.

Instead of letting it speak to God, and having Him unravel me, so that I can be shaped more in His sight, vision, and purpose.

Truth is.

Life is pretty sweet right now.

I love love Winston-Salem. In spite of being talked to about International opportunities this summer, I am truly happy and peaceful here.

I love love love love my church. I am growing and being stretched in the most perfect and difficult ways.

I am formulating true, real, deep friendships here. People that I have been cared for and loved much by. There have been some priceless Sunday afternoon's off in recent weeks, that I wouldn't trade for any day "doing" anything.

All of those things are more then enough.

They are more then any petition in prayer I've raised.

Yet.

Small. Insignificant details.

Larger pressures and ambiguity.

Are stealing my rest, and my joy.

And robbing the hope I feel in and for Christ to bloom and flourish.

A dream about losing my teeth was the first indicator.

Thankful for it.

But am totally overwhelmed.

And that I suppose. Is ok. If I'm talking to the right person, and not complaining to everyone else.