sunflowers.

I have noticed in the unpacking and setting up a new house that you can truly start afresh. You can leave memories tucked into boxes that you've not yet been able to sever yourself from. You can remove photograph's from frames. You can keep mementos of a story, a love, a friendship, a time, a season hidden from view. Having a Birthday recently, and compiling my Christmas Card the other day may have heightened this awareness as I visually looked at all of the events of this year. It's been interesting.

A few weeks ago I completed the decorating project known as: Kari's New Place. There will be a separate blog entry posting favorite new things, favorite new places for old things, and just some things that I believe make a home- really a home.I was done placing photographs on walls. Several new pieces made their debut. Some old ones that I still love so much, and can't decide what new should take over. There are a few that were replaced immediately so that their reminders were made a little less raw.

The truth is. Tex and I aren't friends anymore. The story is long, and there are moments when I'm able to rise above what has been said that has been so hurtful, and for the things unspoken that I think should have been said, and I'm able to have a moment of pure. sweet. uninhibited gratitude. However. Those moments are too infrequent, and too much time spans between them. I pray that they will grow closer together, but right now I'm in the valley of anger, resentment, disappointment, and judgement about it all. I have learned that you can un friend someone on Facebook. Edit out songs on your iPod. Take pictures out of frames. Change the way you tell certain stories. Remove reminders. The best, moving to a new place- the ghosts and memories dissipate. Before you know it, you've nearly wiped out a memory, an entire person. It's so bizarre.

I've not wanted to write about it, then wanted too but felt I couldn't. And then today finally sat and looked through old posts here about what has been good, hard, true, and real... and knew that this story. This part of this story was and is true to me. It's part of what I'm learning. It's becoming part of who I am. I won't ramble on about what he said, or what I did. I will share that decorating a new home, in the wake of that relationship ending in finality- hurt with the reflections I found in perfectly chosen and coordinated frames. Without even thinking I moved through each room and placed things that I loved and repositioned them countless times trying to find their space, their placement of perfection. It wasn't until my birthday that I realized I had one picture left to select, and only a few pieces the right size to put in this one place: my bathroom.

The one picture I had refused to place anywhere else up to that point remained on the bed. It was a photograph I received last year for my birthday from Tex. A field of sunflowers. My most favorite flower. It was a perfect gift, last year from a beloved and treasured friend. He took it, and it makes me laugh because its a point of view I would have captured myself. He did good.

This year, on my birthday I stood and reflected on the year. That person. And all of the moments I have listened and been challenged by Christ in Church recently during our sermon series came into full volume.

My heart is bitter, hardened and angry towards Tex. I have specific reasons that I sometimes hold onto so tightly because they justify me. But the truth is, having a hardened heart towards one person- hardens my heart to all people, especially in my relationship with Jesus. We are called to pray for our enemies. I hadn't prayed for Tex in a long time. So a few weeks ago with this challenge posed, I began to pray. Not for our friendship, not for anything related to me. But for him. That has been so hard. Sometimes I get so mad. Sometimes I want to call him up and scream... but then I know somewhere afterwards we'd probably start laughing... which would just hurt more then the screaming.

Most of the time it leaves me quiet. Hurting. And sad.

But as I've prayed for Him. I know that my heart continues to heal. Not in hope for anything more then I will know and proclaim Jesus through each breath, step, and moment of this life. In the good and the bad. When I'm sad and frustrated. When I'm excited and joyful. My heart will be open to His calling, timing, purpose and Love. My spirit will respond to His peace when I'm unable to see or feel anything else.

Thinking all of those things I decided to place the sunflower picture that I had been hiding behind other choices in my bathroom. Its purpose is that in seeing this picture that I will remember to pray, for Tex, for the hurt that I am fighting and watching be healed in an authentically slow and marvelous pace. It's not meant to serve a reminder of the past, or the friendship. It's an image that will force me to remember. To pray. Its the one place I see each and everyday multiple times a day. I can breeze past hallways, and I can avoid guest rooms. But my bathroom. Is central to my daily routine. I will pray. Sometimes I wonder what or if there is a photograph placed with purpose in his house, I wonder if he struggled like I did, with so many old photographs- so many old memories. I hope there is one, that remains.

Sometimes when I'm brushing my teeth I will look at it through the mirror. If I have shoes on I can sometimes see a glimmer of silver that catches the light. On the ledge of the frame rests a key, carefully placed out of sight. When I took the key off my necklace collection of keys and my lock weeks ago, I had it hidden away in its box. The other day I thought about it, and realized its home was here- where sometimes I'd see it, sometimes I wouldn't. But they are together. Not to celebrate or remember a person. To remember to grow. To keep moving forward. To stop cycles. To hold onto what is real. To be honest. To love more. To embrace Jesus.

To Pray.

For our enemies. For those that hurt us.

To have a heart softened, and pursuing Christ with fervor.

I have and continue to meet amazing people. I am busy with work, with my new church, with social groups, and visits from friends. The pace is hectic and busy, and sometimes I'm so content in the new life here that I forget to look back on the story... the road to here. The people that line that journey, those that continue to contribute. I obviously, never imagined that Tex would be part of the past. I never. Never. Never. thought that. (n e v e r).

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, which I love so much I have tried to spend some time reflecting on the blessings of this year and life. And when I'm honest and vulnerable with myself and God, I sense my heart so hurt and hardened by this entire situation turn to mushy goo, when I think about how happy I am, how great my life is- even in spite of sadness because I am growing and blessed abundantly.

Love is a choice. Friendship is a choice. Forgiveness is a choice. Grace is a choice. I pray that I continue to show discernment and vulnerability with those choices. That I'd be filled with the Spirit, and would approach relationships with continued optimism and hope. That I'd be aware that deceit, secrets, and cycles are a choice too. Mistreating someone we love is a choice, we blame dispositions/time/circumstances... I pray that I would be shown where to grow in those spaces and places to choose better.

But mostly.

My heart swells because I know, that I am loved. (Oh, So l o v e d.)

It's everywhere in my life right now. Sunrises and Sunsets. Nights around bonfires with new friends. Surprises on my Birthday. Letters and Care Packages. Laughter. Real true friendship.

And so, I am also thankful for someone I knew a season, whom I thought would be a lifetime- and I pray.