pausing. a moment.

I am packing for Disney.

I am preparing for a major visual floorset at work I will be missing.

I am a little drugged up with vicodin.

I am not able to focus well.

I have gchatted with Africa.

I have ruined one box of Mac and Cheese b/c I forgot about it.

I have emptied two bags trying to find 1 thing.

I am in the midst of my 3rd load of laundry.

I have texted and laughed.

I have made plans for next week with someone I met last weekend.

I have updated my phone with movies.

I can't find my phone charger and am going to trust that Courtney will remember.

I am wondering when I'm supposed to take more medicine, b/c I can't remember when I took this dosage.

I miss Matty and Mandy tonight for some reason. Just do. It's probably because the last time I was in Disney World I was with them.

I cleaned off my memory card on my little camera and found the ones below... covering such a wide assortment of things...

And so back to packing and cleaning I go.

But I had to pause before these photographs and document them here. The only journal and marker of time I've been able to keep up with!

here.

Before you know it... life envelops you.

I think what is interesting about moving to a new place where you don't know anyone outside of the people you work with... is that there is a lot of waiting. Before you move, you wade through boxes, memories, and last moments shared with people you love- waiting for the last goodbye. Waiting for those boxes to be moved. And waiting for new life to begin.

Then you move. And wade through those same boxes, that recall memories and last moments shared and you can't wait to talk to people that you love, having survived the last goodbye and now just wanting to say hello.

After the unpacking and settling into your space, you sort of balance between a social life where you once lived, and the one you are about to have. The period of time where you are having to figure out who you are going to pursue, and be open to being pursued by. Sometimes its a long period. However, sometimes... its not.

It is Saturday night and I'm exhausted. Not because work is so hard or so much. But because I have been thrown into, and welcomed into a really fun social life. The past two nights I've been out with great people, and great laughter. And today at work my new friend Ashley came into work to say hi, and it felt like I had known her my entire life. It was bizarre. It was new life. Not waiting in between random worlds and points. I am still processing how I feel about it, where I think some new relationships will go, and what is up. But I have felt seen, heard, and loved. It's been a great transition to Winston-Salem, and this week I was able to really see and feel where this life is taking shape and God is molding each step and person that crosses my path.

And it's great.

Amazing in fact.

And I laugh because I don't know why I ever even had doubt. For a second.

Not doubt that I made the wrong choice- but doubt on how long it would take to feel...

Like me. Here.

All the way me.

All the way here.

I love.It.

(dr.apt)

I can't really talk about it yet. It sort of just makes me upset. Ok. It totally makes me upset. But I finally gave in and went to the Dr. today about my feet, and the pain. I handled the first cortisone shot well- but the 2nd one reduced me to tears, and I sort of almost threw up/passed out.

I have been advised to think about surgery- its not mandatory but the Dr. believes due to the severe tendon damage that it may become necessary in the future. It was sort of traumatic emotional experience in light of the apt. And I went into work only to leave 10 minutes later in tears. I've been learning a lot about how God is in control, and how important it is to follow the wisdom and care of a physician. But, that is not easy for me, and right now I'm freaking out about surgery and what that will entail.

About three weeks ago I made a decision to not do the 1/2 marathon in Disney- but that I was still going, and Courtney agreed to do the 5K with me. At this point I'm not entirely sure how the 5K is going to happen, but I'm hopeful that once the reaction I'm having with the shot subsides that I will be able better gauge how to not exert myself in a way that prevents me from having an AMA-zing time in Disney with people that I absolutely love.

I can't believe the way that this whole situation with my feet escalated. I'm pissed at myself for not going sooner, but I know that I can't beat myself up about it- it won't change anything. It is what it is, and part of me wants to scream at my computer that I just wrote that, and meant it.

Anyway- I'm thankful for a prayer team of people that I can email at the latest hour and then wake up to messages this morning as I prepared for the appointment. Prayer works. Follow up apt is next week. I'm hoping I do not get another shot, because I seriously don't think I could handle that again. And now I'm hoping that the master physician and healer will bring all of this inflammation and pain to a comfortable place and I'll be able to kick the 5K's ass, and meet Tigger with Joy.

near to Christ.

I will have more to say about church but one thing just stayed with me all day...

"Who has God placed near to you, that is far from Him?

Who is just waiting on the invitation?

Who is God calling you to see, really see-

pursue and love where they are at and show Jesus?"

The rest of the day I thought about a lot of different people. Different friends. Co-workers. Family members. People that I have missed. Some people that I know I could have loved differently or better.

Yet in the midst of the sermon- there was one person I had I let go of because I deserved better, that kept coming to mind. I had let go because I knew that holding on put responsibility on me that was still angry at them for being a coward. This morning I thought about how God placed this person near to me, during a difficult period when I was further from Christ and myself then I should have been and how thankful I was that they led, loved, and pursued me well and I grew. I changed. I matured. I became who I needed to be, to finally in the face of something no longer healthy- could stand up and say no.

No more.

This morning in a congregation full of people that I did not know I sat quietly with the Lord and reflected on the work done in my heart and life because someone was near to me, and helped draw me closer to the Father. How that history and love does not change in the midst of a relationship changed or dissolved. It was a grateful, somber moment. Weighted and heavy. Resolute and tangible.

I am encouraged today by remembering and recollecting how the Lord worked and used so much of that time of my life- and I am excited and hopeful by the challenge posed today by the pastor to recognize moments in front my face to be open and bold to the opportunities to seek, see, invite, and love like Jesus.

Who do you have in your life that you know is not near to Christ, but is near to you?

As someone who has been so changed, transformed and saved by the invitation someone has posed to me in truth- what are you doing to impact and reflect the glory of Jesus, where you are?

amanda faith.

Yesterday was Mandy's Birthday. It was weird not being with her on her birthday and celebrating in person. My favorite thing about our friendship is that when it comes to days of birth, sometimes there's a gift, but most often, its time. Together. Laughing. Sharing a meal. In the past years we have spent intentional time enjoying the day either on it, or within weeks of it.

I missed celebrating in person, and struggled with feeling like I communicated enough how much I loved her, and was thankful to Dave, Jeni, and Jesus that she was born.

I pray that each day she knows...

That I love her more then the moon and the stars in the dark night sky.

That I love laughing with her more then anyone in the world- especially about silly and inappropriate things.

That I love her enough to try to love Cincinnati and to live there- but it never clicked.

That I love most that when we are together, its always natural and easy... ranging in serious debates of the heart and spirit- to random conversations through pop culture, or stories of past adventures.

She always said she wasn't the number one. That she was ok with that.

I think what has always struck me, is that in my soul she has and will always be the one that I will always love, know, and trust with my entire heart in ways that no one else has pursued with the same pure integrity and intent.

She might never believe she's number one.

She might say she's ok with that.

One day.

She'll see, she has and will always be.

The best. Forever.

And she will be standing strong and still next to me on my wedding day.

And she will meet my children, and she will tell them stories of when their mom was cool.

And she will walk through each phase, and change of this life.

And she will be someone whom I've loved a lifetime when its time for either of us to meet Jesus.

She is just. That Special.

One day.

She'll know it too.

quickly.

I am in the middle of coordinating three different weekend trips requiring airfare and other people, for the next three months. I just spent an hour online just trying to figure out what the moving pieces are looking like. The first is for Disney, then Vegas for my Birthday, then NYC for a family gathering at the Football game. The first and the last are secured, just trying to figure out now if Vegas is possible with the dB girls. If not- a birthday girls weekend will be in the works for Winston-Salem, and you will not find me sad about that option in the slightest bit.

I have been really busy recently- both socially and work related, which one month after I moved here, makes it truly feel like I am here, completely here. There is not a part of me lingering waiting to come down to earth, or waiting for the shoe to drop. I am here, and I am doing incredibly well with that. (Minus some Gracie/Kari limping issues!)

I want to write more but have to get ready, and knew that if I didn't get back into the groove it would be really hard to start.

A few things to mention:

1. I love Winston-Salem. Seriously. I love it.

2. I miss Matt more when he's out of the country then when he is in VA, our hearts are funny like that.

3. Fall arrived yesterday, and I'm sitting here wearing my Yale hoodie and yoga pants as I warm up to the day before a long night at work. It's bliss.

4. I'm thinking about pooling my vacation time next year and taking a big, HUGE trip.

5. Did I mention that I love Winston-Salem? Yeah. Ok. Just wanted to be sure.

More soon.

felicity.

I have been watching Felicity. From the beginning.

Admittedly its strange watching a show that the last age you were- was the age of the character. The last five episodes of the series are probably the best written television ever, I will whole heartily stand by that statement. They were poignant and magical. Anyway- high speed Internet has already facilitated a Glee season one marathon, and so Netflix provided a follow up to a High School staged show, with the college experience.

There are moments when watching my heart hurts. In a good way. I just remember. Good things. Hard things.

Mostly I think about relationships, growing pains, and friendship. I laugh and giggle sometimes. And there are other moments when I think JJ Abrams wrote the episode having crept into my head and heart.

I know its just a show, and I know that the characters aren't real. But there are likenesses, and people... well are just people. Relationships are complicated. Feelings are tough to decipher. It's not any different at 30 then it was when I watched this show at 19.

I think less of people who would have been the fabric of my comparison's then, and instead am drawn to memories of people I have loved in the past 4, and 8 years. I wonder who I will think about in the next 10 or 20 years.

Matt is in Ireland. He is on a trip that I am so excited for him to partake and experience. My other dear friend Julie, just returned from her 2 week adventure with her husband Seth. Europe surrounds me in friendship, and its a warm wonderful thing. Reminds me of my travels and trips. Reminds me of the the farmer and the gypsy, who grew up into the moon and stars... and then eventually changed into what feels like strangers. Reminds me of cups of gelato while watching the sun set in Florence. Reminds me of jumping off the boat in the Mediterranean Sea and swimming to the shore. Reminds me of emails and videos from home. Reminds me of cramming last things into a backpack and walking into the airport for 5 weeks solo.

Reminds me of, so much.

Yesterday Matt wrote an email first to a group of us about his travel experience so far. He followed it up with another one paying homage to a trio of travelers that went to California, Florida, gallivanted around the East Coast... lived and pursued life in places outside our zip code in Lexington. I remember when we were all together for the 5K last January that with Tex having moved to the West, knowing that our days of being a trio were numbered. Last year in August I experienced the first trip to Vegas without either of the boys. Surrounded by sisters I was more than grateful, but there was a layer of sadness for a time in my life finished.

I thought about Matt and what he was referring to in his second email most of the day. It sort of followed me. And as I've watched Felicity today I have thought about domestic and international travels, the people I've gotten to experience both of them with- and how different I am today then I was then.

How marvelously complicated and wonderful that is.

And how much more so then I can even understand myself.

Just been... an interesting couple of days.

Praying for Matty. For what he will see. Touch. Do. Taste. And find.

Got an email from Jules today upon her return. Love that she is part of the real fabric of this life. Making a move and creating new life in a new place- I am astounded and humbled by the friends that have chosen to pursue me, love me, send me mail, write me emails, call me and track me down- and celebrate each part of this transition.

God is good. All the time. In every space, place, zip code, and time zone.

the girls & men.

The most striking difference I have noticed with the staff I now manage from the one I previously did before... is their age. I went from ladies mostly post-college, newly married, in the thick of determining what they wanted their relationships to look like, and making headed compromises for those they have chosen to love.

The girls I help lead, and manage now are in their college years, and are in their mid twenties. Not many married. Some with kids, some not. The girls are smart, Wake Forest students-- and they are critical thinkers and I love that.

Last night at work we had someone that works in the kitchen at Wake come in to say hi to the girls because he recognized them as he walked by the store. It was near closing time, and the store was emptied. We stood in a group as this man asked the girls what they were looking for in a man, and in a relationship. I stood in the circle of girls, not quite part of them, but not really on the outside either. I listened to the banter, and articulation of things desired in a partner. The girl speaking is not even 20, and is a bright and wonderfully articulated person. The guy wasn't listening to her talk. He heard her, but only what he had wanted to hear. It was fascinating to stand in the room and watch the entire dynamic play out. Eventually he left, we walked towards the back to close up for the night, and my mind started to focus on the list I had to complete. Behind me I could hear the girls chatter and gossip about the conversation with the guy who came in to say hello. As the one girl in particular was recounting her opinion of the chat, if I hadn't been paying attention I would have missed it, she said to the other girls, "I think Kari has a lot she could help us understand and know about boys, relationships, and love."

In one sentence.
In one moment.

I made the transition from broken staff, hurting women, destructive and painful relationship situations to someone who was going to lead, love, and manage a group of girls trying to get their footing, find out who they are, and become women.

I turned around and acknowledged the comment, and I can't remember what I said now. But I do remember saying,  "I know some great. Good. Men. Don't settle for someone who talks at you, and pretends to listen, like that guy. There are good, honest, caring boys out there. I promise."

A few things struck me about that statement. Mostly, I thought about my brother Bill. I thought about how loved and protected I have felt with him. I thought about Matty. How I have met and encountered a true, loyal, and lifelong brother in Christ. I thought of my Dad, Stan the Man- he's honest, reliable, and has so much integrity. After that my mind started racing with other thoughts, like how special my friendship with Holmes has been over the years, Seth's long distance communication skills, Andrew Forest's attention to detail and safety, the sporadic but consistent emails Nick and I have shared for years, and the wonderful list that followed. Yes. There are good. Honest. Caring boys out there. I have known some of the best. The greats.  In more ways then I can often understand I am molded and shaped by the ways in which I have been loved by them. It is true, and though sometimes difficult that my heart has also been bruised and broken, I know that is part of my story. But this place, space, and time I am in right now allowed thoughts of those men, those boys, those relationships that have pursued and loved selflessly and with Christ like intention to take center stage.

I want the girls I work with to know people as crass, wise, and honorable as my brother Bill.
I want the girls I work with to laugh, and share so many varying levels of life with someone as loyal as Matt.
I want the girls I work with to be served, provided for, and cared for in the ways that Andrew Forest and Holmes did for me, especially before I moved.
I want the girls I work with to have an open forum to open and honest and share the ridiculous and meaningful details of a day with someone like Seth.
I want the girls I work with to know that someone who will manipulate, lie, use, or continue cycles of emotional distress distract them from boys that will love them better. And well.
And that in the meantime, who they are on their own- as they are is enough. They are beautiful, smart, and wonderfully complex. They are enough. The good and best men will see that.

I pray that as I work with them, they work for me, and I continue to lead and love on them the best I can- that they are able to see their God and Father exuding the qualities and showering them with love and affection that meets their needs first, most, and always best.

Thankful. For a crazy day (there was a fire alarm pulled at the mall, there was an entire evacuation), that allowed a peaceful and quiet night for something of more substance to grow and expand. For my heart's true desire to be met- to be known, to know, to love, and to allow the wellspring of hope, love, and Grace bestowed on me by Christ to envelop those I touch.

I was invited out Thursday night with some of the girls I spent time with yesterday.
The invitation came after the creation of the event, I heard them all talking about it last week.
Yesterday Shanita invited me when we were all outside in the fire drill. It was almost like removing us from the store and placing us outside in an evacuation meant that the roles, titles, and responsibilities were able to be left inside. Outside we were just a bunch of girls laughing at the situation, and getting to know each other.
We went back inside, and what was established outside was not lost. It actually led straight into what would turn into a very meaningful shift before closing in discussing the very real hope and truth: there are good men out there.

I pray among them to let me tell you about some of the greatest ones I have known... but this one in particular who is Perfect, Constant, and Eternally loving. Day by day. Building and expanding on what good work has already begun.

a room with a view.

When I wake up, I see this first.

My View From My Desk... 

The Balcony

What I loved most about my house in Virginia was the fact I was able to get into town quickly- but that I lived in the trees. I took this picture from the Hammock one of my last days in the house:

Hammock Happiness @ The White Oak Estate

This morning I woke up grateful for the fact that the Lord knows, loves, and provides for all of our needs. Moving to a City I was thankful to clock Dunkin Donuts 8 miles away in one direction, and then Starbucks and Work 8 miles in the other. But I wasn't sure how over time the change in scenery was going to feel. I'm thankful that this morning as I breezed through the house to take Gracie out for her morning jaunt around the neighborhood, that I caught the sight of so much green.

I feel like I live in a tree house. From every window I can see green. I think that is the benefit of living on the 3rd floor in the corner building of my community (I typically call it the Penthouse...but I think I will rename it to the Tree House). While the balcony is still being used as a makeshift storage area for boxes as I continue to unpack and sort through which boxes to keep... I am looking forward to hanging some bistro lights, and enjoying the cooler temperatures of the fall outside. 

There is not a river running over my favorite rocks down the road (though there is a creek which Gracie loves on the greenway)... and there's not a hammock to nap on in the breeze. But there is green, and there is a view from each window in my home- which makes me feel like God heard every single last wish, plea, and last request from my heart as I took the leap of faith and jumped into Winston-Salem. 

Thankful. 

For That. 

feet & pride.

I am accident prone.
I am sort of an ankle klutz.

This past April I sprained my ankle up something fierce. I was walking out of the gym, having completed a work out that left me feeling empowered and encouraged (My time had nearly brought me tears as I rejoiced at a milestone reached). In the pouring down rain I stepped into a puddle which had a gaping pot hole hidden. I drove myself to the emergency room, I got it scanned. I was out of work 8 days. When I returned to work I was stationed to areas that would allow me to sit and rest it.

In tears in the emergency room I explained to my physician that I was working towards a goal of completing a half marathon in Disney World, in October. I was advised that with proper and cautious care that when the swelling finally subsided I would be able to work out fully on it, and start running again.

The pain didn't go away for much longer that time, and the swelling didn't go away quickly either. I just kept telling myself that God knew, and that He was the master physician and healer... and to trust Him. I knew better then to repeat past cycles of disappointment when my plans did not coincide with what God had for me. (The Disney 5K and bronchitis were both still very tender to my heart in the midst of the ankle). In leaving work and preparing for a move I was aware that the miles needed to get on my legs, and I needed to start getting in gear. I knew that my dreams of running the whole thing were lost to the ankle injury. But I was thankful that Emily was working hard at it, and that our PR would be fairly close. It was going to be ok.

However. The past few weeks I have been suffering from discomfort in my feet- not having noticed it since Bridal Christmas as work when I was struggling through heel pain. Maybe its because I hadn't worked all day on my feet for a few weeks, the move, or just timing... but this week has been incredibly painful. I take Gracie on long walks each day, but knew that it was time to get on the treadmill to see where I was at on time.

I walked up to the gym, got on it- and nearly completed a mile in AMAZING time, BETTER than pre-ankle injury... when my phone rang. Now, typically... the phone would go to voicemail. But it was Africa. And you can't ignore Africa. Seth and I caught up for a good while, and I went to finish my work out only to find teenagers in the gym taking over my space. Ok. I walked home. It was ok. I was able to gauge myself, and felt confident that 13.1 miles was going to be ok.

I woke up on Wednesday morning, placed my feet on the ground unaware of the fact the pain was going to reduce me back to bed. I could not walk. Literally. I stood and was able to place all my weight on my left foot, but my right shot excruciating pain through my body. With only 30 minutes to get Gracie on a pee break, and out to work I was beside myself- and didn't know what to do. So I started stretching it out, and finally was able to loosen the muscles up to slip on my sneakers. The silver lining? Was that Africa called and prevented me from 3 more miles!

A couple of days later I am thankful that my acute pain has decreased, and I am thankful for the wisdom I have received on the best course of treatment regarding this flare up... but a choice and decision remain that I'm just not ready yet to make. Or maybe, just accept.

With varying inputs the most consistent one is that 13.1 might not be the healthiest option. I know that if the 1/2 were tomorrow, I would have to say I couldn't do it. In the best interest of my body, and my health... I know that it would be unwise and foolish to think the impacting effects of exerting myself in that way would not have severe implications.

However. My heart. Is not ready to make that decision quite yet. My heart is not able to grasp that I have planning, cheer leading, and praying about this for 9 months. I made a choice, and I put myself and my health first and have had amazing results this year. I am so thankful for the weight loss, the esteem build, and while sometimes wavering- the focus to keep moving towards my goals. Not doing the 1/2 was not in the plan.

My spirit is still clinging tightly onto the way I viewed this to go. My heart is yelling at myself reminding me to trust God.

I wrote Matty an email yesterday about it, because he is about to leave the country and I was going to arrange his travel for the Disney Weekend I knew we needed to sort out what the plan was. His email was quick- and his last sentence saved the day:

"Don't think too much on it. Trust the Lord, and that He's got a much bigger plan than you can understand at the moment."

So. That is where my heart is. Trying to let go of what I thought, what I wanted... which I was able to do once this year for the ankle injury trusting that it would heal. Not having a single clue in the fact Plantar Fasciitis would come kick my feet's ass.

Trying.
To rest.
But I keep "running" in circles with my pride about having wanted to do this, and now realizing...
I might just be a cheerleader for Emily that night, and celebrating that my victory was not to be found in completing the 1/2 but making a choice this January that has made such a positive impact on my life and others.

(sigh).