Mess & Well

I'm sort of a mess.

And by sort of I mean, yes not a complete mess. Just a partial one.

I want to censor myself. And take that first sentence back.

But I can't. Because I know its as important to write the highs of life, as it is the low.

That writing the low doesn't mean I'm weak or immature.

The depth and richness is hard.

I know.

Yet sometimes I find myself on the edge of this place praying not for strength to make it easier, or knowledge to make decisions firm... but I am in a temper tantrum to the Lord. Hurling things at Him that are not productive, and cause me to firmly hold onto the control in which is an illusion.

I imagine the Lord is laughing at me during those spells of emotional conversation. Especially because in light of everything I've dealt with in recent years, this time of transition is a piece of cake.

I just don't want to participate.

I want a 'get out of jail' free card.

I want a 5 week trip to Europe to take pictures.

I want a girls trip to Vegas to celebrate Sisterhood.

More then any of those things, I want to be moved out from between the rock and the hard place.

There are many things cycling through my mind. I have great, amazing, and supportive friends.

And I hope they don't hate that I am about to say this, but I want more.

And not because they aren't loving and helpful.

But because I'm a 13 year old girl right now sitting on the edge of this place screaming for direction, and for this time to pass, and freaking out about small and big things in the process.

In the midst of those truths, I will conclude this with the following contradictory statement.

I am doing well.

Because I know I'm being stretched and being made more like Christ through my submission in this process.

I know that I am supported and loved by great friends.

I know that I will miss this period when it passes.

I know that I am not promised easy, or more...

but that my heart knows with conviction that the Lord is enough.

So while I'm sort of a mess.... its a beautiful one and I'm doing well.