Right Now.

Sensitive.

Impressionable.

Tender.

Busy.

Fatigued.

Focused.

Scattered.

Overwhelmed.

Controlled.

A wee bit... manic.

Quiet.

Loud.

Stretched.Thin.

Learning.

Hoping. Believing. Trusting.

Changing.

Over Socialized.

Missing Church.

Moments of Joy too far between the Chaos.

Just some words I would use to describe my life right now.

Sunday I was off. It was my first Sunday off since Christmas. I didn't want to go to church. I wanted to snuggle into my bed and sleep the entire day. Just because I didn't want to be engaged, talked to, asked questions, I did not want to be present. However. With 10 minutes to get out of my house I pulled my hair up into a ponytail, threw some jeans on, grabbed my mascara (for car application), and I hit the road north to Waynesboro. My arrival was a welcomed surprise and the look on Cathy's face was priceless.

I did not want to be there. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be quiet. I wanted to not talk. I wanted to just be. Anywhere else.

But I went. And Jesus blessed me. So richly and so extravagantly. He quieted the selfish parts of my heart so that I could listen. So that I could hear. So that I could be made completely whole in His presence, His presence alone. Not in my own. Not by myself in my house, or my car, or lost in my own thoughts.

I went to the Daley's for a quick visit afterwards. I wanted to talk. I wanted to share. I wanted to listen. I wanted to rest in the company of family. I wanted to be hugged. I wanted to be encouraged. I wanted to absorb every last moment of goodness with them so that when I was empty again, and wanting to be alone- that I would remember what comes with community.

I came home. Put together some IKEA furniture, rearranged some things... followed two fantastic Football games online, walked from room to room, made dinner, and went to bed. Sunday started with a fight. A battle. It was loud and it was ugly. Thankfully. Praise God so much for this, when I realized that I could not win it- I went exactly where He wanted me. In a Sanctuary. To hear and listen about Revelation and the Truth.

I was challenged.

I was humbled.

I was loved.

I was found in my seat and I was spoken to.

Friends. On this day off in which I am snowed in with my beloved Dog, and in a setting that my thoughts run rampant and I often struggle to focus on the truth. I have been able to celebrate. Smile. Laugh. Procrastinate the chores. But also Be. In my own skin. Freshly centered from the Sabbath. And holding firmly and tightly to the truth. I may forget it tomorrow. I may forget it in the next minute. My Faith sometimes struggles in not living the circumstantial. But right now...

I know that I am loved.

That I am a daughter, friend, and sister.

I am not defined by my hurts, choices, or successes.

Only as one who has received, accepted, and needs to remember Jesus Christ died for me, and in Him I am made new- each and every day.

I don't write much here. I am a little obsessed with the postcard blog. But felt here in this place where only a few read, I should open a window to what I've been thinking about. The condensed version will appear on a postcard, but here... I wanted to speak without space and postage constraints.

Love.Love.

K

1.1.11

Today is January First Two Thousand and Eleven. 1.1.11

It's crazy that its another year. Last year Matty and I were driving down to Florida to meet up with Tex in Naples for a few days before our Disney 5K. I honestly, in this moment feel like an entirely different person then the girl that began that road trip.

I'm doing well. Though I'm struggling. I am having a hard time with some work place drama, and I am finding it nearly impossible to keep my head above the insidious and damaging opinions. I have a hard time not feeling like I'm the only one doing anything well, or at all- and I know that feeding my ego in that place is not Godly or productive. Nonetheless I need one of the people I work with to quit. As time continues the frustration multiplies, and I'm never left thinking I'm actually going to quit- but there are definitely moments that I'd like to, just to prove my point.

I have also been thinking a lot about how do we really move on from the past into the future, and when does the future truly become the present? I had a thought today in the car that I refuse to bring certain pieces of baggage from 2010 into 2011... and how I will not compromise my future because I'm dying to the past. This covers a multitude of areas. I think for the most part, I'm just done. With the insanity.

I am however feeling stretched in great ways. I have some girls at work that I've loved getting to know, and even went out for New Years with Jessica and her friends last night. She thinks I'm the cutest person she's ever met, and she allows me the opportunity to laugh and scream about work and life equally. We like a lot of the same things, share a common appreciation for triumphing over family chaos, and we laugh- a lot. I know that she isn't walking with the Lord the same as I, but I find it encouraging that my life can be a witness to her, and that by sharing my story I'm sharing the greatest Love Story Ever.

The bigger thing that I think about these days is a new blog idea I am going to launch. Get pumped. It will be letter writing meets postcard ease meets a Twitter feed in which I do not support- meets Facebook Status updates weekly time capsules. That made no sense. But get excited. I'm really excited to see this project into fruition, and mostly how next January 1 in the year 2012 I will be able to look back on this idea with a large sense of gratitude.

On a whole. Ok. Tired. Really really tired. Not taking care of my body at all. Caffeine is not a meal replacer, but I do love the Bucks so. I took pictures of a beloved family over Christmas- which I will have to edit in the next few days. I don't journal anymore, and I struggle with writing here... but I think a lot in my car each way to work. The Lord is continuing to instill in my heart the confidence that in choosing a new path I'm not disowning that which I once loved... it just means I am opening myself up to what I'm going to love next.

Figuring it out.

Thankful for you. Always.

Love.Love.

Kar