Grief.

Sometimes I think I read her blog and she is inside my head. I have a friend whom I have never lived in the same town as, or really shared community with- yet, we are in community together. I read her blog and sometimes I quote her here. I like her a lot. We exchange emails from time to time, and I find that I would love to just sit and talk for hours over coffee. But I live here, and she lives there- and so our community of friendship is found on the blogger.

Tonight I read her summary of this year, which dealt with a tremendous amount of grief and loss, but also growth.

As I read her thoughts I took a moment, a quick half second as to not let the thoughts carry me away- about the tremendous loss I too faced this year. The bottom that was hit. How everything hit the fan. And then before getting upset in unhealthy dimensions of continued frustration, I was able to pause for the joy that came too.

I am thankful that in the midst of trial and tribulation, and even most recently having just spent some time with Tex and his family over the Christmas break- that my joy was not robbed by grieving what was lost. True that memories can play tricks with us, and that the recent week has polluted my normal thinking with grievances about my relationship with my mom, childhood Christmas memories passed, and most tenderly what glances communicate that words can't with a beloved friend whom still knows the story. I am thankful that as I enter into 2011 I am not the same girl who stumbled into 2010, hoping to capture perfection, but instead understands the depth of her own sin, struggle, and defiance... but also knows in a new heightened awareness the capacity of love and forgiveness, friendship and pursuit, and mostly that you can come through loss, and you can overcome depression. You can. You can. You can.

But that doesn't mean that its your struggle alone. And the passage below relays to me that I've hurt those I've loved this year and in the past because of what I was losing. I get it. I'm hopeful that this is a lesson I only have to learn once. I'm thankful that in the midst of what I lost and had to let go of, I was able to capture the one thing that mattered... and that was a profound sense of purpose and self in Christ Jesus.

"I learned that there are as many ways to die as there are to live, and that death changes the core of those left behind. I know it's changed me. I learned that death takes bodies and leaves souls but depression takes the soul and leaves the body and no matter which robbing occurs there are those left to deal with the newly empty space. This year both of those losses found me."

Memory.

Sometimes I want to make a list of what is gone, so that I can remember that I actually had it once.

Then I think about how sad that list could become. Like a shrine for the past, that will never breathe life again.

And that's just hard because there are more times then not that I just want to be able to hold onto something that was real.

Like a tattoo to the heart or a branding iron to the skin. Just to remember. Just to know that in fact at one point my life touched that. At one point I loved and breathed and lived and laughed with that memory in its action and not just in the recollection of the event.

I don't know what to do with this desire.

I don't know what to do with the countless memories and moments that sometimes rise to the surface and I'm completely unable to let them just pass.

Instead they haunt and they populate and like the intention of ghosts I admit that they sometimes scare me.

How to be bold in this place of smoke and mirrors.

How to be safe in this place of memory and recollection.

I am not sure.

This week has been a lot of resurgence of memory. I have participated in family activities and tradition. I have been incredibly well loved and my time has been purposed well. I would not trade the company of those that I have kept for anything, though sometimes I wish the thoughts of the past would remain below.

And that is just where I'm at right at this moment.

holiday cheer.

Those of you who know me well, know that I have been sort of a Scrooge for the past few years.

I remember meeting up with Seth and Julie Michels in NKY Thanksgiving about... what was that? Three years ago? Yeah. Anyway- I was sharing my disdain for Family Choices and drama around the Holidays. Like there had be a resurgence of the hardship in my life, and it made me a bit of a Debbie Downer. Seth completely understand the dynamics of families endured and through Divorce situations. I felt like I was heard.

The journey however since that Thanksgiving has been hard. I've struggled with wanting something I can't have, and that has ruined my ability to be joyful in what is there. Last year I spent Christmas with the Pipers. It was difficult due to their previously announced divorce, but all in all, it was a great Christmas. Kristyn, Tex, and I laughed a lot- played a lot of Mario on the Wii, and just enjoyed each other. It was a gift. It was a prayed for time, and there was a lot of apprehension leading up to the time together, but I never have regretted it. It was beloved.

This year I am going to Emily's parents house. They are like parents to me, and when the debate this year came around about where I was going to spend my time, and what kind of time off I'd get there was a lot of struggle about not being able to go to South Dakota to see my sister. Since the invitation from Emily, I have thought "yeah if I can get the time off to justify the drive I will go."

I hosted Thanksgiving. I don't know if I could adequately describe how good the company was to have in my home, the view as I looked around the table at loved faces, or how I went to sleep each night to my full size bed- Gracie, and Mandy as we shared. It was warm. Cozy. Comfortable. Sublime. Quiet. Loud. Gregarious. Generous. And I felt so completely loved and able TO love without asking for, or wanting any singular thing to be different. I wrote as my Facebook status something completely true- as a girl who often struggles with a desire to fast forward, or rewind through life, I was most grateful for my ability to really pause and PLAY with the great loves in my life. It was a different pace of time. And it was a reflection of a hard fought and won year.

I am transitioning into thoughts of Christmas and all that entails. I may not love love Christmas music on a large scope, but I am enjoying my Josh Groban and Sugarland Holiday selections. I have laughed at work as the play list has been infused with Holiday Classics, and while I don't sing along- its a refreshing moment to be aware of the Season, its purpose, and how my heart is not dreading what is to come. I am content in my decision to see Emily, and am thankful that because of that choice and her family I will be driving through KY and OH and will be able to see Mandy, Kristyn, and then of course Tex as well.

I continue to pray about the time West of here. And I admit there are moments when I sense my panic come into play, and influence decisions that my common sense knows better then to indulge. I'm excited to celebrate our born King, and all the joy and hope that comes with the birth of a child. I continue to marvel at how much this year I have sensed myself "grow up", and wake up. But how much of that has really been remembering the simple pleasures in life, if you let them because the treasures that matter- and seeking Joy in all circumstances will completely change everything. everything. forever.

It's refreshing not feel like a Scrooge. Even if in moments I long for something that is not real. It's the trick of the heart and mind, and I am finding myself winning that battle more then losing it.

Thanksgiving was a gift. Treasure. And completely Jesus in every aspect. I am excited to feel similarly in a couple of short weeks as Christmas Celebrating with a family so precious to me will bring forth more joy, acceptance, love, and Godly perspective.

Thankful. For you. Still and Always.

xoxo

Kar

December, what?

I can't explain why right now this is hard. Writing is just hard.

There is a lot of goodness, joy, closure, peace, and happiness. I am doing well. And not just in a "I'm ok way"... like this morning I woke up and I have been waking up achey (debating a new mattress, or body transplant)-- but I stared up at the ceiling and I just felt like me, the me I love.

She's been back for awhile now. And at some point in the future I would like to have a conversation with Matty and Mandy about their thoughts about this year. Not that their opinions will change me or it, but I am just curious as they witnessed a lot, supported a lot, but the biggest things they both gave me was space and room. I seriously cannot imagine my life without them, and sharing Thanksgiving together as 'family' was humbling and profound for me. They have been the best friends- truly. I have always thought that Tex was the BFF, but in so many ways he was always the boyfriend. We emotionally dated forever before we dated, and we've always been some version of complicated. I think this realization is also because I have been thinking and praying a lot about the future, and my friends that I love that will one day meet their spouses and get married. I was thinking about "what if Matt started dating someone tomorrow?" and while I love Matt and will miss some of the attention, I can't wait to know who is bride is. I can't wait to meet her, love her, become friends with her, and just experience the newness. Nothing about my friendship with Matt would change. We have integrity, and we have boundaries. I just hope she lets me still call him Matty, and that we can still say "smooches" all the time. And then I thought about the man that I know is in Mandy's future. I just got all excited about this vision for her wedding, her dress, her smile, and her release into a life shared with someone. These two friends complete this year, and they have been the absolute best friends through tears, rain, shine, and in the celebration of this fall-- have never never let me down. I am just learning better how to let them into my chaos, my hurt, and my joy. It's changing everything.

I feel more grateful right now for the things I have, then I have in the past. I know that I sometimes struggle to hold onto something so tight that I'm unable to see how its infecting other places of my heart. And sometimes I stare at 'walls' hoping that they'll move, change, grow up, or capture me-- just be anything other then a wall. Staring never helps. I have found though that walking up to that wall, and carving out a door, so that I can walk THROUGH- does help.

Honestly. I just feel settled down.

Hope you are well- and loving this season!

Love.Love.

Kar