catching up.

I have not written and I admit that I miss it.

Sometimes I will be driving home and I will think of a thousand things to say and share but once i walk into my door I'm speechless.

I wrote last week a novel update on the work life, it was cathartic because it was finally the ability to articulate some of my feelings and stuff that I'm dealing with. However, I miss my routine of blogging, picture taking, and just being who I am in this place- who has actually not been who I am in this place in a long time, because I've been everywhere else... all the freaking time.

The List of Now:

1) Went to the Packers game with my brother and dad. It was great fun, and it was a bucket list item now checked off. I loved laughing, sharing, and staying cool in the 90 degree heat with my family. It was great.

2) Kristyn and Kalan came to visit this weekend, on their way to Maryland where Kalan is now working/living. I stayed up late with Kristyn, and shared in a glorious conversation about friendship, love, relationships, purpose, goodbyes, and holding on. She is dealing with a lot of the grief of moving a best friend far away, and my heart in the context of such a topic knows exactly what she is talking about. It's been almost a year since Tex moved and sometimes I think I foolishly still expect him to pull up to the house, come inside, change some light bulbs that have gone out, and stay for dinner. Anyway, I love the girls. And we did a little photo shoot in downtown Lexington in the Fall sunshine, and it was divine.

3) Today I am actually getting three things accomplished that I have procrastinated and struggled with. 2 new tires. Oil change. Hair cut. To say that I've been obsessed with these things is a complete understatement. I can't stop thinking about them, and I have debated and procrastinated until the better day, a better choice. Though today the stress it was bringing was more intense then the waiting, and so I am sitting here utilizing a little work cubby and free Internet while I wait for my car. Then I hang out with Nicki for my session, and then at 4pm we are cutting the hair and coloring it brown. Going dark kids. Its time.

4) I am struggling through balance. I know that my time and productivity does not define my value. I just wish however that I knew how to enjoy my personal time more as I "come down" from a work day, or "gear up" when I'm closing. I think I do this better when I'm the opening manager because it forces me to come home and regroup and then I have a few hours before I go to bed to either go out to eat with a friend, or get a little organized. Tonight is my only real night at home all week. I'm hoping to be home by 7pm. That is my goal. We will see how this goes.

5) I am ok. I feel better right now then I have in recent weeks as the transition to work becomes less transition and more routine. I like the job. I am exhausted emotionally by it, but it is clear that I am there for a specific reason which has less to do with formal wear then it does to be a light in a very dark place as the staff is just struggling. I'm excited and encouraged by this conviction to be there, even if at times I admittedly resent it.

6) Going to be checking out a new church this Sunday in Roanoke. I work at 2pm, which means I have time for an 11am service and lunch after. I'm sad to not be at Tab in Waynesboro, but I think the reality of my life being in Roanoke full time in the week leads me to choose a community either where work is or in Lexington- Roanoke being the better church option for when I work Sundays. So praying through that and hoping that the Lord blesses the search with clarity.

There is lots more to share and care, but I had to start somewhere, so today that is all.

Love you.

Homework Assignment

Last week I was talking to Dave about my lack of picture taking when I am at home.

I shared that I wouldn't even consider a drive more then an hour away without my camera. And yet, in my everyday life I don't take pictures. I have written here that it is something I love when I'm traveling. And that I'm trying to understand how to bring it into my everyday life, or at least a more regular life here now that work begins (tomorrow).

I love the sound of the shutter. I love the process of looking back on a period spent peeking through a camera lens.

This process is expanded and expounded when I am not in my home state of Virginia.

And I have no idea why.

So this morning I took a roll of film and shot things around my house. I am trying to familiarize myself with film, it's been a frustrating process. I then took a round of digital shots of my life in this house, this house that I have fallen more and more in love with in the recent weeks.

Above are the results of the assignment.

I love them.

I love that the pictures look my me.

I love that I'm consistent across the board and that as a collective piece: I make sense.

I love that I know the story behind all of them. And I love that when someone else looks at them they see my life, but when that special person does: they see our life. This crazy ridiculous wonderful life full of Jesus and friendship and so much love.

I'm glad for the homework assignment. I'm glad for the challenge.

I need to remember it.

Searching.

Life is cyclical. I avoid noticing this most of the time because it means that I have to own up to something that isn't good for me, or something that I do that isn't good for me and others.

I have not had a great week. I have been tormented by a to-do list that I cannot do. I have felt the pressure of getting ready for the Art Show next week cave in on me. I have been unfocused, unmotivated, and seriously just low.

Because life is like I previously said, cyclical, I have spent a lot of energy this week trying to figure out what triggers this period of just feeling low. I would typically consider it a form of depression, but considering I am in therapy and have been able to understand the difference between depression, and just 'struggle', I know that I am not depressed. I will be honest, sometimes I wish I could call it that, get myself some meds and just go on my way.

Truth is. The issue is much deeper and wider then calling it some mood ailment. It's not a mood. It's a reaction. I am reacting to my choices, my thoughts, my feelings, and my future. I am overwhelmed by all of it. The Lord has brought me to this wonderfully tender, sensitive, and aware time. However, friends... it is exhausting. There is so much to think about: the past, the very far back past, this year, this summer, this month, this week, this day, and then how all of those things impact the biggest things that I cannot control: tomorrow, the next day, next week, next month, next year, and the next decade.

Breathe. In. And Out.

What I'm learning about is hard. Monday I sat and talked to Nicki forever about the switch that gets pulled in my head that causes me to panic when commitment is pursued, and agreed on. For the first time since breaking up with Tex I saw my portion of what happened in the midst of being so terrified. I was asked some incredibly hard questions, and what is most frustrating is that in the confines of safety, her office; I still had no answers. I wanted desperately to transport Tex to Waynesboro, Virginia so I could just talk and get some of his perspective. It was really intense. I was asked to journal about it, so that next Thursday I go in with some ideas and thoughts. I have not been able to journal once. I never have been able to when I'm upset. Its weird, but the words just don't come. I have to force myself to blog. Like seriously. I have to make myself sit down and then just write whatever comes out. I will probably print this out and bring it to Nicki. Is that cheating?

The point is that with her guidance and insight I was able to see that I truly have two parts of my personality.

Kari Part 1: Fearless. Completely competent, mature, reliable, and aware. Incredibly focused, determined, competitive, secure. Excited... about everything. Shares. Talks a mile a minute. We also like to lovingly refer to this part as the "manager" of the 2nd part. I never thought about it that way, but I completely do that. I talk myself in and out of things that don't make sense, I am hard on myself, I judge and protect what I think is true. I will do anything I possibly can to never let part 2 out.

Kari Part 2: Scared. Feels like an orphan. Unsure. Terrified of abandonment. Perfectionist turned procrastinator. Negative, mostly cynical. Quiet. Suppresses feelings in silence. Would rather be alone. Runs a race in which has no finish line.

Some of the questions:

What does the scared part really want?

What is it really afraid of?

What is underneath?

What is in the scared closet?

What did commitment let out of the closet?

What happens to the fearful part that the management part is dominating most of the time? Where does it go?

Only in understanding the above I know I will be able to tackle the next part: and thats the recovery. I wish I knew and could blame it easily on family hurt and trauma as a child and adult, poor relationship decisions in the past (but I can't even say that with the exception of one a few years ago). I wish I could just say that I'm scared of being vulnerable in commitment because I'm afraid of what happens if it doesn't work out. I wish that meant I was more afraid of not being independent Kari anymore, that I might actually like being in a partnership that I am not guaranteed to last, and then grieve it when its gone. Truth is, I'm ready for the ring, the dress, and the solidarity that comes from I Do. I am not ready for the dating. I would rather have someone say, "I choose you. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you", then "Hey, I like you, let's see what happens." The lets see, the I don't know for sure: Freaks me out.

But there is a bigger heart issue here, because I know that while all the above make sense, none of them tear my heart open and the skies don't part with a deep sense and rooted "YES". Maybe that won't ever happen. But I'm searching it out, and I'm exhausted.

I start work on Sunday. It's a short day. I'm excited its a short half day, and I'm excited to end this week on a note progressing towards the future.

I am tired. I am searching. And the most beautiful thing is happening, I am hopeful in both parts of me that war, that I'm on the right path, going in the right direction.

So if you could kindly pray that I would not grow weary, or impatient as I seek the Lord's guidance and heart in this journey.

"Every time You touch me I get lost inside the moment
I am taken far away from this place.
You become the sunlight and I close my eyes to feel You,
All the warmth and love that You radiate.

And I come alive, I come alive, I come alive.

Take a look inside me maybe You can see what’s broken
Maybe You can fix the hole in my heart.
You become the healer and I share with you my sickness
And I kiss the hands that carry my scar.

Every time it happens I am so amazed to see You,
How You meet me at the depths of my pain.
You’re afraid of nothing and it fills my heart with romance,
You would search the ends of earth for my sake." -kendall payne

Amen.