Expectations

My feet are cold, but my cheeks are warm... oh the beginning of a winter time ailment that I will consequently complain about until about New Years. In light of the general body temperature variances, I went for my run today, but in the spirit of being honest, I'm not a runner. I am a fierce walker who has a tendency to break out in periodic sprints of epic energy spurts... who then remembers the joy and pace of walking. In any event, I did the loop of Houston Street, which I suppose by all descriptions is still considered 'The Boys House' because two boys live there, but its honestly not the same since Tex moved out... so I now refer to it as either Houston Street, or just Matt's house when addressing an activity he has coordinated in his home. There are moments when I am driving that I forget that I won't be picking up the 6 foot 7 BFF at this house to gallivant and hang out with... sometimes those moments are peaceful because they bring him close, mostly those moments are numbing and make me just quiet.

For the most part I am doing well, I am endlessly thankful to the Lord for more happy moments then sad, and I continue to seek comfort in the Lord's plan and purpose for each moment, each day, instead of focusing on the unknown future which scares me often. I have noticed the patterns my doubt takes, and I have struggled with how to rise above the fear that the doubt seems to perpetuate. I don't know how to balance having a healthy dose of curiosity and fear, with the over analytical panic that ensues when I'm given too much time to think inside my head without fleshing it out to be shared with the one other person that I think might know exactly what I'm talking about.

I've been learning a lot recently about "Great Expectations", and no I am not talking about the book or the G.Paltrow film either.

I am a dreamer... in colors... in black and white... of wide open spaces... of a love touched and seen inspired by the Creator.

I am a planner... Parties, Vacations, Daily Chores, The things I can't plan about the Future- you name it I can "plan" it.

I am a control freak... yes... argh.

I am optimistic... eternally so... just covered up by my anxious questions.

I am hopeful... a learned quality by a great teacher.

I am funny... especially when I'm with Holly or Jessica.

I am a friend... and I pray sincerely every day that I am not just a good one, but a great one. A friend that anyone would be proud to call theirs, and for one or two: the best they've ever had.

These things about me I've known, sometimes I've despised and struggled against- but I know that the end of the day I have fought for them to remain true. They provide an outline for the path, the course of action, and the purpose to wake up in the morning... to offer them up as "God... do with me what you will, for I love you". I have learned however that sometimes I suffer from the notion that to guard my heart means I have to understand and outline particular parts of the future so that I can align my expectations... so that I can avoid being disappointed.

In true fashion of our friendship, Tex told me on my birthday I needed to let go of my expectations so that I could be surprised. This perspective infuriated me. As a girl my reaction is typical, "well you tell me that, and then I expect the world!!". His point may have been lost in the emotional moment I was drowning in. However, like all great things learned, sometimes the thought needs to live with us before we adopt it into our fold of new mantras, refreshed ideas or beliefs... this notion was like that. I returned home to a stack of mail and a couple of boxes which contained gifts to celebrate my arrival into this world on the 4th. In the two boxes shipped to White Oak were perfectly selected gifts, one from my sister Krystal, and the other from Mr. Piper.

Great Expectations. There are moments when our breath is completely taken away. Somehow everything in us that desires control, knowledge, the plan, and purpose escape our hearts and we are open... wide open for what has been waiting, for what will come. In my kitchen last week I stood before a gift I was told would be waiting for me. My expectations were met because I knew that any offering of the heart would have been enough, and yet I was surprised because I had been able to let go of the anticipation and I was able to relax enough to experience the moment. It was in fact the most perfect gift. A symbol of a journey away and back, significant to what I learned and experienced in the most fantastic adventure of my life (to date). I loved it.

This theme of expectations is the topic running through the seams of my life right now. I am trying desperately to fall to my knees before the Father and rest there waiting for more direction. I am trying to grasp the hope found in Him, and to understand that this particular season of life will not last forever.

I am trying to live each day for more then the things that I am looking forward too, like next weeks arrival of Mandy, Mom, and Bill and Meghan... or Theresa's wedding, or even as far out as Christmas and the Florida trip after the first of the year. I don't want to constantly be counting down to what's next that I am unable to experience what is at hand right now. This moment.

Right now I am snuggled into my bed and Gracie is curled up at my feet. The house is still and quiet. I spent a day running errands and taking care of business. Tonight I talked to Tex on the phone, and my heart got lost and I was trying to grasp the debate, "is it better to talk? or not to talk?", the answer is different based on the level of sunshine outside and the general mood of the moment. Right now I have a thousand ideas running through my head with over creative stimulation, and I'm trying to organize them into productive cognitive thoughts. Right now I plan Thanksgiving Dinner over and over again wondering if I've missed anything, and then wonder if I should try some brand new recipe. Right now does not know what is going to happen tomorrow, anymore then I knew last night what would happen today.

Right now asks me to not lose sight of the safest place I can rest. Not in the words spoken by friends, and not the promises and assurances offered to us by the best of which. One place. One Creator. One grand conductor in this symphony of emotion, confusion, and pursuit. In that place I can hear that I'm to let it all go. That I'm supposed to find my only true expectation met, in His unfailing love... and to let the rest be a surprise. I am searching, dreaming, planning, stressing, debating, and in moments drowning. I am supported in more ways then I am often able to acknowledge, for which I am thankful.

I am most thankful for gifts that waited at home. For laughter on the couch. For moments with Gracie when unconditional love is tangible in her perfectly soft ears. For fall leaves that still linger on trees. For endless hope spoken in truth, not ignorance. For plans made. For promises kept. For Jesus always. And... for the unknown aspects of tomorrow that will surpass this dreamer and planners Greatest Expectations... because somehow I was able to let go and be wide open for what is waiting... for what is to come.