Less then Twenty Days

I recently had a conversation with a friend from home that lasted 9 minutes. I couldn't talk because I was heading out the door to have dinner with my mom, but when I saw who it was on my phone I knew that I had to answer- it had been ages since we've chatted. We caught up for a few minutes, and I was thanked for the absolutely stellar birthday card I sent him last week and we promised to talk again in the next few days when I had more time to talk about life. In the 9 minutes however, we covered his getting into Law School at Cornell, my mom's arrival to Virginia, my impending European adventure, and the feelings associated with those things in a nutshell. What struck me about the phone call were the ways my friend asserted himself to me, and spoke truth about the "me" he's always known. We don't talk often, but when we do I am always encouraged, met exactly with truth, laughed with and not at, and I am always thankful... that somehow a move to Virginia years ago and time between visits have allowed our friendship to survive and be revived in the first 5 seconds of a phone call. Friends like that don't happen every day. 

I had a great week for snail mail. I got some great notes from treasured and valued friends. I felt loved and encouraged in reading each note, and tucked those moments quietly away into my heart. I am in the process of preparing my heart, and mind for a 35 day trip abroad. I will be spending time in unknown places, walking among strangers, seeking culture, art, a moment to catch the sunrise and set over landscapes I have only dreamed of, and moving through an experience I am both thrilled about and absolutely terrified. It seems like I'm complaining when I say I'm terrified, but I think its important to understand that while I am a dreamer, planner, and gypsy... that I have a healthy dose of intimidation in my head that sometimes has a way of seeping past my common sense and invading my heart. I'm learning how to control these things. 

I think about my trip on an hourly basis. I have run through what I'm packing a thousand times and I question it every single time I contemplate what will make it into the bag. I have considered what my emotional safety survival net will be for that first day its hard, I want to come home before my return date, and what to do when that first day turns into a second one and I'm in a foreign country. I think about how often I will write emails, who I will iChat with, what I will say in postcards I plan to send myself, and what new words I will learn to articulate such an experience. I have talked about my fears about returning and what will be different when I get back, what perspective being gone will give me, or what I hope will be understood in my absence in those I love. I could talk endlessly about this list of things I have been obsessing over in my head, how I cried the other day a tear or two when talking about my fear, or what I'm hoping for. 

Truth is... I seek to be changed. I seek to have my eyes widened by those I will meet in my class, strangers I will befriend on planes and trains. I seek to hear things in silent moments alone that I am too distracted or unfocused to notice in my daily life. I seek to see places and catch a glimpse into a time before modern technology became such a priority. I seek to capture passion in my photography class and learn something I can bring home and use forever. I seek to complete a dream to take a culinary class or two in Europe- and I can't wait to lay that dream to rest. I am seeking more then I even know, and I find rest in the deep sense what I will experience will meet those needs, and surpass them. 

I wish I could share it. I wish I could rest my head on the shoulder of a friend while we travel from one city to another on the train. I wish I could sit quietly on the black volcanic beach in Santorini and know that someone I care about was watching the same sunset at the same time. These are feelings I will battle. These are feelings that I fear. 

Will words be enough? 

Will pictures be enough? 

I suppose we will be finding out in less then 20 days.