time.after.time.

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion--
is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--

sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--

if you're lost...
...time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time

Timing

The goodness of the Lord's timing never ceases to amaze me. He is in the details. I wish I was more aware of this on a daily basis. 

This weekend Gracie and Sadie got into a spat, which led me to make the decision to drive Gracie to Connecticut to spend 6 weeks with my mom during my European Adventure. The spat happened on Sunday, and Monday morning I went about my business and made the decision at 1pm to drive up North to my mom's. Tex, who had previously planned to be in Chesapeake had a change in his own plans and was able to come along. The drive and conversation in the hours was perfectly planned and purposed- I will never forget them or be able to deny the work of the Father in their timing. I am home now in my "Gracie-less" bed and my heart is sad. The comfort I draw from her warm and cuddliness is amplified by being home and the road trip complete... the void is deep, and it hurts.  Tomorrow I begin the 48 hour spectacle of getting ready for Friday, which is highlighted by dinner that I'm having with a great friend. Dinner tomorrow night is the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I am a planner and I like to prepare for the bends in the road. I like to be able to brace myself for difficult terrain, and I like to anticipate more then just blindly participating. Tonight, while very sleepy from a long two days, and just emotional for a variety of reasons... I am thankful that my heart has found encouragement in the Lord's timing. His purpose. His plan. His map for the road trip I'm on in the span of my life. I know that my control is an illusion, and I know that I get lost in wanting to increase its effectiveness. I know that I want truly what the Lord wants, and I pray for His power to mold and guide me.... however, I mostly desire deeply and truly to be changed. 

Tonight on this very clear starry night I have remembered the significance of giving it all to Christ. Not just what I want to give, or what I think He desires. He creates the timetable, and to seek Him in all moments I am reminded that I have to give Him all of me. Lord... I give you all of me. Make something beautiful. Create in me a renewed hope for the future. Instill in me a vision that is of your own making. Give me people who will love me well, and will sacrifice it all in your name. Take my doubt and replace it with your truth. Protect those I love and draw them nearer to you. Remind me in the weeks to come that you are close, even when I will be traveling far away from comfort. When I loose sight of these things, gently remind me of what is so clear to me on this night... that your timing is perfect. Your love is perfect. And that you have begun a good work in me. 

I may not like the fact I can't reference God's clock by the hour. And I may struggle with wanting to hold onto things I think are good for me, but aren't. I want to know the point in some areas that I am lost in. Tonight I caught the vision for what it meant to hold onto something so tightly- that fighting for it, and letting go of it was the same exact thing.

I'm excited to leave. I'm terrified on an hourly basis about a different aspect of the journey. 

This is also the first moment in recent days, that I know I am now ready. 

The timing is absolutely divine. 

I will be open to art, culture, new people... 

I long to be inspired, moved, and silenced by what I will see.

I seek to be changed. Divinely, perfectly, and beautifully. 

I pray for my heart to be peaceful and rested. 

I hope for... the thousand things I want to say to be heard without a single word spoken. 

I don't know what life will look like when I return, because I don't know what my vision will be after such an incredible adventure. I have hands to hold, I have hearts that will pray... the time has come for the great leap. I'm going for it. 

Be Still

It's Wednesday night and I just watched 'Benjamin Button' without shedding a single tear. This is quite the feat because the first time I saw the movie I sobbed through the entire end of it, and continued to become completely unraveled while walking out of the theatre. 

There is something moving and inspiring that upon viewing it tonight had me returning to a thought it prompted in December about letters, sending postcards, being in touch in the distance. I have been thinking a lot about distance these days. I have been hosting my mom who is visiting from CT, and then my brother who was here for a quick trip before he comes back on Saturday with Meghan and Courtney who is flying in from Florida for a week in Lex-Vegas. My family with the exception of my dad all live away from me. The distance between us varies, but there are hours that separate their homes from mine. I am also about to experience an adventure which will put me in a 6 hour time difference for five weeks. I have thought a lot about that distance. I have freaked out and celebrated it all at the same time. 

The movie also makes me think about what lasts. What changes. What evolves. What continues.... and then finally what we let go of. I didn't notice that particular theme when I watched it in December but tonight I caught the three times it was mentioned and thought quietly to myself as I considered what letting go has meant in my life. How I have had to let go in the midst of conflict in order to mend a hurt. How I have said that I was letting go as a means not to end a disagreement but to grow and restore a relationship. How I have had to silently release a deep rooted regret in order to allow healing to begin taking place.

Letting go. I know that for me and many it goes hand in hand with holding on. I pray for discernment in those contexts daily.

On this rainy and dreary evening that is beginning its transition into tomorrow I think and pray about areas that the Lord is stirring my heart that signal and highlight places I need to let go. Places that its time to take the next step and release whatever control I have tricked my mind into thinking I have and give it to the Father. All the while noticing too, places that I need to also stop running so hard and stand still... and hear the Father whispering, "Child Be Still". In that moment, hearing that voice the perfect balance takes place. The ability to let go and hold on in the very same instant, while shifting control out of my head which isn't real and allowing grace to take over and replace it with truth... I think of all of those places and without feeling overwhelmed I just pray for guidance... I pray for peace... I pray for courage. I pray to respond to the soft voice that can be drowned out in all the noise, that calls me to rest, to be still... to know when and where to hold on and to do so with confidence in the Father. 

It's amazing how one movie can stir one thought at one time, and then months later draw something completely different out of you. Perhaps because I made it through without crying hysterically about one thing allowed me to listen and hear the other.  

"I need you to tell me...

I need you to tell me,

Child Be Still.

Child, Be Still"

Less then Twenty Days

I recently had a conversation with a friend from home that lasted 9 minutes. I couldn't talk because I was heading out the door to have dinner with my mom, but when I saw who it was on my phone I knew that I had to answer- it had been ages since we've chatted. We caught up for a few minutes, and I was thanked for the absolutely stellar birthday card I sent him last week and we promised to talk again in the next few days when I had more time to talk about life. In the 9 minutes however, we covered his getting into Law School at Cornell, my mom's arrival to Virginia, my impending European adventure, and the feelings associated with those things in a nutshell. What struck me about the phone call were the ways my friend asserted himself to me, and spoke truth about the "me" he's always known. We don't talk often, but when we do I am always encouraged, met exactly with truth, laughed with and not at, and I am always thankful... that somehow a move to Virginia years ago and time between visits have allowed our friendship to survive and be revived in the first 5 seconds of a phone call. Friends like that don't happen every day. 

I had a great week for snail mail. I got some great notes from treasured and valued friends. I felt loved and encouraged in reading each note, and tucked those moments quietly away into my heart. I am in the process of preparing my heart, and mind for a 35 day trip abroad. I will be spending time in unknown places, walking among strangers, seeking culture, art, a moment to catch the sunrise and set over landscapes I have only dreamed of, and moving through an experience I am both thrilled about and absolutely terrified. It seems like I'm complaining when I say I'm terrified, but I think its important to understand that while I am a dreamer, planner, and gypsy... that I have a healthy dose of intimidation in my head that sometimes has a way of seeping past my common sense and invading my heart. I'm learning how to control these things. 

I think about my trip on an hourly basis. I have run through what I'm packing a thousand times and I question it every single time I contemplate what will make it into the bag. I have considered what my emotional safety survival net will be for that first day its hard, I want to come home before my return date, and what to do when that first day turns into a second one and I'm in a foreign country. I think about how often I will write emails, who I will iChat with, what I will say in postcards I plan to send myself, and what new words I will learn to articulate such an experience. I have talked about my fears about returning and what will be different when I get back, what perspective being gone will give me, or what I hope will be understood in my absence in those I love. I could talk endlessly about this list of things I have been obsessing over in my head, how I cried the other day a tear or two when talking about my fear, or what I'm hoping for. 

Truth is... I seek to be changed. I seek to have my eyes widened by those I will meet in my class, strangers I will befriend on planes and trains. I seek to hear things in silent moments alone that I am too distracted or unfocused to notice in my daily life. I seek to see places and catch a glimpse into a time before modern technology became such a priority. I seek to capture passion in my photography class and learn something I can bring home and use forever. I seek to complete a dream to take a culinary class or two in Europe- and I can't wait to lay that dream to rest. I am seeking more then I even know, and I find rest in the deep sense what I will experience will meet those needs, and surpass them. 

I wish I could share it. I wish I could rest my head on the shoulder of a friend while we travel from one city to another on the train. I wish I could sit quietly on the black volcanic beach in Santorini and know that someone I care about was watching the same sunset at the same time. These are feelings I will battle. These are feelings that I fear. 

Will words be enough? 

Will pictures be enough? 

I suppose we will be finding out in less then 20 days.