Keep Your Eyes On Me. this love.

I am home. I survived the 24+ hour travel experience back from Bangkok to Virginia. The flights went well and I was thankful that the delay I had in Seoul did not mess up my connection from Atlanta to Richmond. It was a whirl of thoughts and feelings as each hour passed, and it was difficult to settle my mind enough to sleep on the plane for any substantial amount of time. When I arrived in Richmond the crisp air felt much colder then my particular liking and it was strange being back on the right side of the road while in the car. Tex and Joel picked me up at the airport and it was fun to talk endlessly in the car. I was just so stinkin excited to be home...I couldn't believe that I was actually back from Thailand, or that I had even been gone for four weeks. Dinner was delicious as Matt had made Hamburgers, French Fries, and Funfetti cake. Could a girl ask for anything better? I stayed up until about 11pm and woke up at 7am yesterday. I couldn't sleep any more and stayed awake. I went to the Y, went to camp, grocery shopped, and then returned home for more unpacking and house dinner- I was trying desperately to feel 'normal', so I even made my Salsa!

I think the best way to describe how I am feeling is 'a fish out of water'. I thought that returning home would make me feel like a fish IN water...the usual comfort zone, my bed, my house, my friends. But I will be honest...I feel disjointed, a bit out of place and that is a little disconcerting. Today I slept in past 8am which was a comfort because my body is just so tired and my sense of time is so completely off. I had purpose in the house today in continuing to organize my life here, started the laundry and had lunch. I am going to the Y in a bit which will be great to exert some energy, and then its Pizza Night at the Boys House.

They say sometimes you don't know what you have until its gone, the grand perspective of loss brings into focus how you felt about something, someone or someplace. I think that this is true in distance because when I was in Thailand I had a firm grip on how I felt about my home and my relationships. Not being able to pick up the phone whenever I wanted, or to reach out my hand to touch a friend was a clear ache at times. I never considered coming home early and I never thought myself to be miserable with homesickness. I could best describe it as saying that I was acutely aware of the goodness of my life, and also the goodness of Western Modern Society that we all enjoy by living in this country (like bathrooms!).

During the struggle of getting through the cultural and language barriers I was thankful for Tiffany who was able to understand that point of view, or talking to Betty Cabell and joking about something we thought to be ridiculous or difficult. In being submersed in a country that does not have Christianity as their cornerstone I relied heavily on the truth that I believe and the simple message of Christ's purpose and Salvation. I sought the Lord in ways that I am not stretched to while being in Virginia.

As you know I am very song oriented and there is one song by Leann Rimes that really speaks to how I felt about the Lord and my emotional journey the past four weeks, and beyond. A little tid bit of the lyrics are below:

"In every life there are detours on dirt gravel roads,
Sometimes it feels like there's just no right way to go,
There'll be times you'll go crazy,
And times you'll break down,
Always something that stands in your way...

Just keep your eyes on me
Never lose sight of me
This love
Nothing can come between
Us when we're following
This love."

When out of my comfort zone I tend to center in and get very focused on how to control my environment to either change it, or change me. There were plenty of times that I sensed this focus come to play as Tiffany was our host, and we went with her itinerary for us. Each stop was worth it, and I don't regret anything we saw or did. But as expectations started to mirror reality I sensed my heart that sought comfort, turning more to seeking Christ. And what I heard Him saying, and what I felt resonating was not to run in the opposite direction, or to feel the struggle it was simple, and it was all that mattered, and it was Kari, "Just keep your eyes on me. Never lose sight of me. This love. Nothing can come between us". It's simple, its true...and in this journey of my life right now I turn to that truth more and more as I work my way through what is going to happen next.

I have wondered and prayed countless times about the direction I am going to go in next. "If I could do anything tomorrow, what would I do?"...my first answer was "Leave Property Staff and Travel". Now its 6 months later and its time to set in motion the next part of this life and I am continually amazed at how wide open my heart is and how completely unknown the next week is going to look. Starting with a job search I feel comfort in the very normal notion of applying for employment and seeing who responds to me as an applicant. The Lord has affirmed my desire for roots, so I am going to be exploring the jobs in Lexington area before indulging the gypsy heart I have in pursuing other locations outside of Virginia. I can't imagine packing a single box to move anywhere, but that doesn't mean that's not what might happen. I thought before that because I couldn't visual something it would mean that obviously that wasn't going to happen. I realize now how naive and foolish that notion is. Perhaps in letting go of what I can visual and plan in my mind I will allow the Lord more room to grow me and stretch me...but I'll be honest I'm hoping that the challenge that life is will be contained in my current zip code.

Friends have often remarked that they can't imagine the pace I have had going since August, or how I occupy my days in Lexington not working. Truth of the matter is, traveling, visiting friends and family...spending time alone...just being in transit has been exhausting. It has been stimulating and it has been grand...but the time at home- well the little time I've had at home has always provided a moments rest that has been priceless. Now that home is the purpose of life again, I can sense the things about me that have been changed and the ways that I have grown in all the time I have spent away. I have seen the gradual changes in relationships that have felt the burden of my absence, and I have enjoyed the significant changes in other relationships that have grown up and through the challenge of my schedule.

Just keep your eyes on me. Never lose sight of me. This love.

The Lord has been good to me in my life, and He has never left me. I am thankful for my Faith, and even thankful for my doubts as I have worked through my questions and growing pains. I pray that I am able to continue to shift my eyes from focusing on things that do not matter and things that I cannot change, to what the Lord will have for me when I create the space in my heart and life to not manipulate my desires. I seek His will while pursuing the dreams He has planted into my heart and nurtured through the years. I will keep my eyes on Him. I will try to never lose sight of Him. This love, has its hold on me and I don't want to let it go. Sometimes we have to travel down the road to the home of a friend to realize in conversation what the Lord has done for us in our lives. Other times we need to go across the globe and visit a country that is so completely different then our own- and you let those people penetrate your heart...and you begin to peel back the layers of life and you can see what the Lord is doing in your life you never would have seen...Thailand will always be that place for me, and I will always be grateful for the adventure in seeing their landscape, but also for the emotional journey being challenged and grown did for my heart and relationship with Christ.