While I debate the clothing options, I also have been debating the itinerary for the day. Where to have breakfast/lunch, pool, last minute souvineir shopping, etc... I have to be out of my room at noon, but I don't have to check into my flight until 10pm. This leaves for plenty of time during the day to relax and have one last Thailand adventure.
I have been thinking about this day for a long time. It should be no surprise to me that it has in fact arrived, but yet the reality of its precence continues to be a little unsettling. I have not been able to sleep very well this past week and as each night ticks down on my stay here the sleeping has been less. The dreams are strange and disjointed a bit and don't make a ton of sense.
How to describe what I've seen and tasted, touched and smelled? I sent the last of my postcards yesterday and while I knew that I would make it home far before they would, there was comfort in one last sweep of writing some addresses and trying desperately to narrow my scattered thoughts into articulating what you would see if you were here.
I am looking forward to getting home and having the slow process of peeling back the layers in my memory of what this adventure to Thailand will mean to me in the future. Few things in life can be simple, and I would never describe this adventure as that- I do know that the way that I feel about it can come down to one adjective and one verb: Amazed and Changed.
Amazed that seven months ago Tiffany came to visit and started the thought rolling "Hey, BC we should go to Thailand".
Amazed that when the decision to leave Property Staff became a concrete plan that the timing for this trip too would be cemented into the ever changing intinarery for my time of travel.
Amazed that I was able to survive all the curves in the road (I mean that both literally for the motorbike, and figurately for the emotional challenges).
I am amazed at the countless moments that I had to stop and take a moment to remember to breathe in deeply because the view was far more beautiful then I dared to dream.
I am changed by the conversations I had with people I had never met, and the ways I worked through the language barrier to connect to someone. I am changed by the man on Phi Phi talking about the Tsunami. I am changed by visiting the Lisu Village and being loved by them in such a gracious way. I am changed by the challenges in traveling with three friends and all that comes with that.
I am amazed simply by being here, and I am changed by letting this country and its people into my heart.
So today my last day here in Bangkok I am perplexed by the movement of time...and I am proud that I completed this trip and lived each day to the fullest. I am thankful for the connection to home modern technology has provided to comfort this sappy heart, and I am thankful for the distance being in Southeast Asia provided to gain some abstract perspective on my life.
I have thought often of how to have roots and wings, and I know that I've also talked about it quite a bit in conversation and in writing. I would love to say that the past six months have shown me how to accomplish this vision of being rooted in one place, while having wings to be free and explore at the same time. I would also love to say that the Lord has painted on my heart the purpose for the future and has emailed me the detailed instructions...but that is just simply ridiculous.
The mystery in roots and wings continue to unfold as I make my way through the challenge of it. What I have sensed is my heart's desire to be still in one place that is of my own. To let the chips fall where they may and try and see if in doing so, more is revealed. One thing I always noticed, appreciated, and even struggled with by being on Property Staff was the notion of so much of what I did full time had so much to do with WHO I was. My relationship with Christ, the way I participated in community were enormous parts of my job-our lives on Staff consumed all personal relationships outside of camp, we were in a sense our own Island...and while being in a creative position at camp all the other parts of my energy were also utilized. In the months and even the year leading up to my decision to leave Camp I struggled with the idea of doing anything else. Where else would my gifts be utilized in such an all encompassing way?
What has been given to me is not the answer to the question I so desired to have concluded. What came was the notion that I may never have an employment experience like Young Life again, and while I did give my whole heart to my position...that the time to give my heart to other things has come- possibly including a job that may never encompass all things I love. The opportunity to be creative in other places will come as I will seek to be stimulated and fulfilled in life, and if that energy is not being drained by my source of employment- I will continue to be happy...I will continue to be challenged. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. So as I think about what the next step is going to be, I find myself relieved that the greatest purpose for it is not to live out some grand professional goal: its simply to be in community with people I love, having a daily purpose outside of myself...to use my strengths and continue to work out my weaknesses and to meet who the Lord seeks me to love and encourage for Him.
I don't know how long my residence in Lexington, Virginia will last. The Lord has blessed me with finances that make it possible for me to sustain myself without the need of well paying employment as I figure out what I'm going to end up doing. If you had asked me in July what I thought January would look like after Thailand, I never would have described it as it is. I wouldn't change it, and I have not for a single second regretted my decision to leave Rockbridge. Comfort floods me as I think about this time in my life and satisfaction that I lived a very large dream in a very large way...
I am simply and amazed and changed by it all...and because of all of you.
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