five dollar bill

Best $5 bill spent ever.

A Choice.

I just finished watching Felicity. I sort of procrastinated the end after flying through the first 3 1/2 seasons, then I slowed down. I wanted to delay the consequential ending. I keep thinking about one thing she said to Ben about how their relationship wasn't working. No doubt they both cared about each other. And no doubt that they desired to be in each other's lives. While not an exact quote, it went something like this: "You know who I am, and you pursued me. You want something with me. But you aren't strong enough to have it. And, that makes you a coward." The words were taken out of my heart. I've not been able to let go of the phrasing since. What I love about the last season is that magnetic pull I have to something about where she was when it was finished. Having to let go of something, er someone... to be able to fully embrace what she chose. Who she was going to love. Who she was going to be loved by. Her family of hilarious friends truly reminded me of characters I know and love in my own life. I think I really should write a sit com pilot based on some of our relationships/dynamics.

I woke up on Saturday morning from a strange dream in which I was in one of the final episodes of Felicity. When I woke up, I did not remember much of it. Just how it felt. Then Courtney woke up and I was able to start talking about it more. I was able to piece together who each person was- some consistent people, and some new. Some that I was able to do what I deemed the impossible, and let go. Some that I think I might be in the process of meeting right now. Some people- who have been there the whole time.

Mostly. I could identify in the reality of the morning with the fictional dose of a dream, that we love based on a feeling, on a calling, on a desire, attraction, chemistry, on friendship, on discipline, on grace, and especially on forgiveness. But we also choose it.

We choose to see past things in love- that without its presence would never tolerate.

We choose to laugh again after a long absence with hope that we would never initiate on our own.

We exude joy when we choose to believe in the power of love. The power that love has on, in, and through us. God is just that mighty. As the epitome of being, providing, bestowing, giving, and even times take away to replace with a new truth... for God, His love was a choice too. It was a son. Born. To a virgin- eons ago. His choice was to provide, the way, the truth, and the light so that even if we didn't choose it, acknowledge it, accept it, or trust it- the opportunity was always waiting. Right next to our free will. Which. Because he's God and that is amazing... He gave us out of His choice too. Because His love is endless. His love does not birth pain, jealousy, or hurt. His love births truth, light, hope, peace, forgiveness... so that our sin can find redemption. When we choose to see it. Touch it. Know it. Accept it. Live it. Grip it with both hands- while simultaneously letting go with our spirits.

I choose to love Gracie. I adopted and rescued her from the SPCA. She has proven to be THE BIGGEST and BEST rescue mission I've ever executed.

I choose to love my Family. They are mine. And I am theirs. We belong to each other in a hodge podge of miscellaneous unions and circumstances. But those kids. They belong to me. I belong to them. It is a choice to not take them for granted. To call them. To visit them. To open doors to a home to provide a safe place... for an undisclosed amount of time.

I choose to love my best friends. I choose to jump over the hurdles that come with time, distance, space, and the details of life. I choose to jump because I know that they are jumping and running along side me. Sometimes they lead and I am so far behind I can only make out their shadows of movement. Sometimes we grab each others hands, and hold tightly onto the promises our hearts whisper in the unspoken moment between pure, deep, unconditional love. I choose them, and they've chosen me. The truest ones have never let me go. Best ones have come and gone, and new ones enter the story at the most perfect time. But when I think of endless time, endless laughter I think of Matt and Mandy almost simultaneously. The list behind them is blessed. With decades shared between us, and some just a fraction of time. The beginning of those sort of friendships... are the magical memory makers .

Moving to a new place you tend to think of people you knew in previous lives. You think back to elementary school, and then through all the years following. It's scary and comforting all at the same time. And you can't help but wonder who is coming.

Love is a choice. Sometimes we make the right choice. Sometimes we don't. The best and most we can hope for, is that we treat others with respect. With grace. With tenderness. Honesty. And compassion. It's not always easy.

But.

The choice.

Is always worth it.

Choose to love someone today.

With intention.

With gestures of kindness.

With love letters of appreciation and tenderness.

Love.

Big.

It is in effect. The best choice to make in the day.

dixie classic fair. so fun.

tonight.

Blessed beyond measure by the people in my life.

So much more to come.

So much to say about the past few days.

But had to say...

Tonight,

I miss this girl.

A lot.

pausing. a moment.

I am packing for Disney.

I am preparing for a major visual floorset at work I will be missing.

I am a little drugged up with vicodin.

I am not able to focus well.

I have gchatted with Africa.

I have ruined one box of Mac and Cheese b/c I forgot about it.

I have emptied two bags trying to find 1 thing.

I am in the midst of my 3rd load of laundry.

I have texted and laughed.

I have made plans for next week with someone I met last weekend.

I have updated my phone with movies.

I can't find my phone charger and am going to trust that Courtney will remember.

I am wondering when I'm supposed to take more medicine, b/c I can't remember when I took this dosage.

I miss Matty and Mandy tonight for some reason. Just do. It's probably because the last time I was in Disney World I was with them.

I cleaned off my memory card on my little camera and found the ones below... covering such a wide assortment of things...

And so back to packing and cleaning I go.

But I had to pause before these photographs and document them here. The only journal and marker of time I've been able to keep up with!

here.

Before you know it... life envelops you.

I think what is interesting about moving to a new place where you don't know anyone outside of the people you work with... is that there is a lot of waiting. Before you move, you wade through boxes, memories, and last moments shared with people you love- waiting for the last goodbye. Waiting for those boxes to be moved. And waiting for new life to begin.

Then you move. And wade through those same boxes, that recall memories and last moments shared and you can't wait to talk to people that you love, having survived the last goodbye and now just wanting to say hello.

After the unpacking and settling into your space, you sort of balance between a social life where you once lived, and the one you are about to have. The period of time where you are having to figure out who you are going to pursue, and be open to being pursued by. Sometimes its a long period. However, sometimes... its not.

It is Saturday night and I'm exhausted. Not because work is so hard or so much. But because I have been thrown into, and welcomed into a really fun social life. The past two nights I've been out with great people, and great laughter. And today at work my new friend Ashley came into work to say hi, and it felt like I had known her my entire life. It was bizarre. It was new life. Not waiting in between random worlds and points. I am still processing how I feel about it, where I think some new relationships will go, and what is up. But I have felt seen, heard, and loved. It's been a great transition to Winston-Salem, and this week I was able to really see and feel where this life is taking shape and God is molding each step and person that crosses my path.

And it's great.

Amazing in fact.

And I laugh because I don't know why I ever even had doubt. For a second.

Not doubt that I made the wrong choice- but doubt on how long it would take to feel...

Like me. Here.

All the way me.

All the way here.

I love.It.

(dr.apt)

I can't really talk about it yet. It sort of just makes me upset. Ok. It totally makes me upset. But I finally gave in and went to the Dr. today about my feet, and the pain. I handled the first cortisone shot well- but the 2nd one reduced me to tears, and I sort of almost threw up/passed out.

I have been advised to think about surgery- its not mandatory but the Dr. believes due to the severe tendon damage that it may become necessary in the future. It was sort of traumatic emotional experience in light of the apt. And I went into work only to leave 10 minutes later in tears. I've been learning a lot about how God is in control, and how important it is to follow the wisdom and care of a physician. But, that is not easy for me, and right now I'm freaking out about surgery and what that will entail.

About three weeks ago I made a decision to not do the 1/2 marathon in Disney- but that I was still going, and Courtney agreed to do the 5K with me. At this point I'm not entirely sure how the 5K is going to happen, but I'm hopeful that once the reaction I'm having with the shot subsides that I will be able better gauge how to not exert myself in a way that prevents me from having an AMA-zing time in Disney with people that I absolutely love.

I can't believe the way that this whole situation with my feet escalated. I'm pissed at myself for not going sooner, but I know that I can't beat myself up about it- it won't change anything. It is what it is, and part of me wants to scream at my computer that I just wrote that, and meant it.

Anyway- I'm thankful for a prayer team of people that I can email at the latest hour and then wake up to messages this morning as I prepared for the appointment. Prayer works. Follow up apt is next week. I'm hoping I do not get another shot, because I seriously don't think I could handle that again. And now I'm hoping that the master physician and healer will bring all of this inflammation and pain to a comfortable place and I'll be able to kick the 5K's ass, and meet Tigger with Joy.