Photo Album. August. 2009.

From August 2009...

I know this sounds insane to those who know me well, or know the struggles of this summer... but I have absolutely loved and cherished this summer more then I could even say. In the past week I have had moments like I mentioned in my previous post- the visions and flashbacks... the surfacing of memories that both move my heart and stir thoughts up in my mind. I am left with a lot of love and gratitude, and I have found myself in Europe more and more as I let my mind wonder to favorite things, or moments that I love most.

Some of those lead to friendships that changed in the distance, and some of those moments lead to times that I was at the end of my self, I was at the end of what I thought or felt and my heart was completely rested and assured in Christ. I have assembled and laid out each page of the photo book from my trip. Now I am going through and adding the postcards I sent home to myself from each place, and some that I wrote to others that perfectly articulated and captured a moment.

In the midst of a difficult and quite emotional conversation in May a few days before I left- Tex asked how he could make something better, or what he could "do". I remember that the first thing I thought of and wanted was a time machine. Impossible. These don't exist. Well, perhaps just not in the way we would expect.

The photo album of my trip is a time machine. I remember everything about a day, a sight, a church, a building, the conversation I had with a stranger... what I thought, felt, and wanted to hold onto. I remember what I did later that day, and I remember when I wrote every blog entry based on an inspiration from an image captured. I can tell you what I ate, where I went, how many times I typically got lost... I remember it all. The good days, the ones sitting quietly and writing postcards to loved ones. The successes in completing a shopping list of necessities. The faces I swore belonged to someone else. The touches of strangers on my arm in their expression of warmth in a greeting. The iChat conversation that was hard to be vulnerable in. The day I thought I figured it all out. The next one when I knew I was not in control of anything... period. The hard day of wanting to be lazy. The tremendous day of not understanding what was to come, but deep contentment in the part I got to play.

Time Machines.

I want one sometimes to remember the sweetness of a kiss on the forehead.

To remember the stamp being pressed tightly and firmly into my passport.

To return home, knowing without question that the time had come.

And most recently- the unspoken language in a glance from a friend, that speaks more in a split second then any marathon conversation at Waffle House would facilitate.

Home. 11.28.09

Home.: 11.2009

I found this blog tonight, its dated November 2009... it still relevant so its being posted. Funny how reading something like this I can instantly remember why it began, and even more so-- why I never finished it.

I have 7 different songs in my iTunes with the title "Home". Outside of that there are countless song titles that contain home, or the album name does.

When the word comes to mind, what do you think of first?

Sometimes I think of the driveway of my childhood home, or I think of riding my bike down Mainstreet with Katie following behind making my laugh so hard I nearly crash into things. Home sometimes feels like a distant place or idea that I'm unable to touch or grasp when I feel lonely, and at times it is a warm cozy blanket on the couch watching tv with Gracie.

Through the years my notion and idea of home has continued to be shaped, molded, and changed in new ways... for which I have always been grateful. Having spent what seems like more time away from White Oak Lane, then actually here I have always felt at ease under this roof, and thankful to be protected by these walls.

Where is home for you?

Is it a building?

Is it in the arms of someone you love?

Or... is at on your knees at the mercy of the Savior?

Do you go there often?

Is it a place you visit?

Or is it where you live?

For You.

Tonight I had the best part of the small town experience, and living in a quiet mountain side paradise.

I met up with Matty at his very adorable bungalow in downtown Lexington, and we walked to dinner and a movie. As we made our way to our movie- Jenny and Joel drove by and pulled in to say hello. It was perfectly small town, and I loved it. After the Zac Efron drool fest we then walked back to his apartment, and there was Friday's Alive happening across the street with a band.

I drove home with all the windows down and sun roof open and celebrated the MUCH cooler temperatures. I stood on the front step of my house, Gracie wagging her tail at Jack and was quiet before the darkening night and watched the fireflies appear.

It was the perfect balance of, I love town... but I love this yard, I love my bistro lit deck, I love that Gracie can run and take care of business, and that when I talk on the phone I can put my feet up on the banister and just yap away while watching the night celebrate the darkness.

I am very radio sensitive. Sometimes I think Jesus likes to torment me as much as He likes to make me smile. I have to give it to Jesus- He's been kind to me this summer. I have not had cry fests at the arrival of any one song, and I have not wanted to turn my radio off. I was spoken to very clearly in between my Oregon and China trip in the radio, and in so many ways it completely shifted my attitude regarding life, the uncertainty of it, and issues of the heart. I was on the phone and was just upset. I was sitting in my car in Sandy's driveway before I pulled out, and tried to pull myself together. Choosing The Message on XM seemed like the safest bet. There would be no pop songs to haunt me there.

I sat for a moment and heard the introduction to the song "Love is Here" by the artist. He explained that we often ask God to prove His love in a sign, like a rainbow, or something specific, and he concludes by sharing: "If we wanna know that God loves us, we need to stop looking to our circumstances and start looking to the cross because that is the way He displays His love."

It was like Jesus was in my car, just glaring at me with eyes that said, "Kari. Are you listening?" Tears cascaded my cheeks and instantly my perspective completely shifted, and in many ways that small little snippet on the radio saved me, and saved my life. I bought it on my phone, and I even purchased it on iTunes for a friend. The message resonated with me, and many times during the course of China I could hear in my head the lyrics and remembered to stop staring at the wall I couldn't move away from. Instead kept hearing, "Kari. It's not there. It's here. It is in the tears, the suffering, the growth, the challenge, and the change. My love is here. In good and bad. The cross is real, in every situation, in every obstacle. That is where I am. Go there. Move away from this wall."

I was able to break through the wall. What I found on the other side was exactly what I needed. It came at the cost of hurting others, and it came at the surrendering of what I stubbornly could not let go. I realized most in China that giving it all up was the only way for restoration, healing, and redemption to really come and change my life. The whole of my life. Not just the parts I loosely gave.

In similar fashion Jesus makes me laugh in the radio. Today I caught a lot of Train (yes I still have a love affair with Pat, and yes I know that he is married). I kept catching the new radio single, "If it's Love" at my most favorite part towards the end. In it Pat my beloved says, "I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it for you".

I have often said "Go team. We're in it to win it". I realized this summer, that there is no game. There never was.

I'm not in it to win it.

I'm in it, for you.

For Him.

Love... is Here.

What wall are you standing in front of?

Are you going to die in the midst of its shadow?

Or are you going to fight for and through it?

Do you need help?

Lean in. I promise you that its here. For you. In shadows and shade.

Until the Light comes.

Tonight before I got into my car, the band that was playing across the street starting playing Train's "Drop of Jupiter". I smiled. I stood outside listening to it and watched the reddening sky outline the buildings of downtown main street, and especially the silhouette of Lexington Presbyterian. I don't think I've really listened to the words of that song in ages, even though I know them all completely by heart. I laughed as I paid more attention to the lyrics, and smiled as I realized I've been asked a few of the questions posed by Pat in recent years.

Yes, I sailed across the sun, and I made it to the milky way. I fell for some shooting stars, and some left permanent scars. Yes, I missed you while I was looking for myself out there. I made my way through the constellation, and there is so much room to grow. No, I can't imagine no love, pride, not having my best friend stick up for me even when I'm clearly wrong, I can't fathom no five hour phone conversations, the best soy latte, and especially no... you.

I am back in the atmosphere.

I am back from that soul vacation- sorry it took so long, it wasn't meant to take...years.

I'm not in it to win it,

I'm in it... for you.

environment.

Sunday after I enjoyed a marvelous brunch prepared by Katherine, a last minute house guest, I began the process of making my shopping list. Hmm... what to plan for dinner always takes a little more thought in light of two things: 1) The temperature outside and 2) The palate of the company eating said meal. I decided chicken, vegetables, and couscous. Yes. That was that.

I headed off to Kroger as Mandy and Katherine went to the river. I walked into the store and looked up and saw perhaps one of the most attractive boy/man (his age was elusive) I have seen in ages in Lexington, albeit Kroger. We followed each other around for about 45 minutes. We smiled at each other a lot. Said hello. He was distracting me from my shopping list. I had sunflowers, fresh vegetables, and salad dressing in my cart. I think by looks of my cart I looked quiet charming. I was also wearing a dress. Now girls- you understand the beauty of putting on one garment and instantly looking like you made effort. It's a magic secret of clothes that I LOVE. So I felt good, looked coordinated and cute- my hair was still fab from the wedding the night previous... it was a good Kroger experience. My reason for mentioning this attractive what I would gather Law Student (he wore an oxford, khaki shorts, rainbows, but his hair aged him in color though it was dark), is that I left Kroger and completely forgot half of my shopping list.

So I went to Walmart. I searched for this cute boy in Walmart, laughed at myself because this is completely not at all who I am, and left Walmart.

I was so distracted by my search that I forgot the cream cheese for Matty's cream cheese frosting filling for his red velvet cookie sandwiches I was making for his birthday.

Because I didn't want to go back into Walmart, I went to Food Lion and had perhaps one of the best customer service experiences, and noted to self "I have only been in Food Lion once in 7 years... how strange?"

So anyway. With groceries and giggles I made my way home and told Katherine and Mandy about my criss cross grocery endeavor and flirtatious boy experience. I then preceded to make the red velvet cookies for Matt, and thought quietly to myself as I prepped those, and then dinner, and dessert.

In the midst of all of the chopping and mixing Katherine left for her home in Georgetown, and Mandy watched a movie. There was something strangely familiar about the scene. It was a picture of my life with Mandy when she lived in the house. I still picked up her things and moved them out of the way, I still put her dishes away, the air in the house was identical.

Yet, I didn't find myself missing living with her. I see her so often and love her so much that I am content with the dynamic of our relationship now. What I did find myself absolutely loving however was the way that I could love people in this house. Katherine needed a mountain escape, I could provide one. I wanted to make Matty's birthday cookies, and had the kitchen. I was grateful and incredibly thankful for the way being in my home preparing for the evening felt. Not for this particular house in this particular neighborhood. But for space. For the four walls, the roof, the structure. The place for opportunity to invite. I missed it. I was pursuing creating it somewhere else and I had very particular ideas on what that would look like. On Sunday night I realized that in the context of my kitchen, and the open door that in hospitality I am in my element. The Davidson's joined us later for 'Magic Juice', grilled chicken, and curry vegetables. The meal was delicious, and I appreciated Mandy's affirmative gratitude in "whoever you end up marrying one day, is going to be one lucky man.". Her comment left me feeling warm and fuzzy, loved and appreciated. I did not ache for the future, its coming, where I am right now is good, and God has given me a lot of peace. Sunday was a night filled with comfort, coziness, and conversation. It reflected so much of what I love, and in every way it was enough. I did not want or desire more. I pray that as I continue to understand what the Lord has for me not only just here in Lexington, but also the next move, that I would be able to pursue creating an environment for the stories of life to be told, and to be made.

The kitchen. The meal. The conversation with not a dozen people, instead just four. That is my element. This will be true for the rest of my life. It will not matter the place in which my home is created, or who will join me at the table. I know that when its time to have a family, that the faces will reflect mine and my spouse- but among them will be their 'aunts and uncles' whom I have loved years before the biological family came, and we will share life. (and I will probably still be moving Mandy's things and putting her dishes away when she comes to visit... TRUE).

Where are you most in your element?

Who do you invite to join you there?

If not, what are you waiting for?

Five.

Monday began with celebrating Matt's birth...

And ended with celebrating Bill's life.

In the lull of the morning turned into afternoon I went and I sat at the river.

I was quiet. I was still.

I let my thoughts ramble and range.

I thought of this summer. I thought of this journey. Mostly I thought of him.

I returned home to a voicemail, and so I placed a call.

I was asked how my day was, and they waited in my quiet for the real answer to come.

Five Years.

It sounds long. It sounds further away. It sounds more like a memory.

In a postcard that came perfectly three days early, a best friend staying for the weekend, a Waffle House celebration of Matty, a quiet moment at the River's Edge, a voicemail then phone call with the BFF, a dinner at the Melting Pot with Mandy, the text messages and calls from those who remembered the day... I was loved. I was supported. I didn't run from it, and I didn't apologize for needing it.

Maybe it took me Five years to learn that lesson.

The fabric of this life has been enormously complicated, and at times painfully crafted... but on a day like Five... without question or a second glance it was clearly and miraculously woven in love.

Letters. Postcards. Write them. Share your life. Open your heart. Empty it on a page. Give someone the opportunity to hold it, capture it, and find the time machine and life line they become when you are gone. Those letters could change your life.

I know, that they've changed mine.

G. & K.

Saturday.

I literally have about 6 blog topics and entries circling around my head right now. I have random thoughts tucked away in my mind, and even at times scribble them down on the closest piece of paper. The hard part about this is prioritizing what comes out first. The best part? I feel like I have been waiting so long for the words to come, and now that they are here I am treated to the best surprise as I experience them arrive.

I will start with Saturday. I, along with the Lexington community celebrated the marriage of Carolyn Kleinert and Jamie Hewitt. I remember talking to Jamie endlessly about his desired pursuit of the lovely lady now his bride last Spring. I was always impressed by his patience and prayerful spirit. The wedding was wonderful, and the reception in classic Kleinert fashion was an amazing partay.

My favorites of the night:

1) A very wonderful moment shared with Lindsay, she even made me cry as we talked about the journey of this year and our very sweet honest friendship. It was simply divine.

2) A very sweet dance shared with Matty. A large group of us were dancing wildly and exuberantly, and as the song transition into "Wonderful Tonight" by the live band, all of the girls we were dancing with quickly left. Matt and I stood there for a moment and just laughed at them, and then we danced. We talked and whispered about our random thoughts, but mostly we just swayed hand in hand to the pace of the music. It was one of my most favorite moments with Matty in the span of our friendship.

3) In the car I noticed "Wait. My earrings are gone!!" PROOF of a good night on the dance floor. It was fantastic.

4) Conversations with Hatcher and Jana. Love them. Thankful for the hard questions, and the soft place for the answers to land.

5) I felt like myself. I think in a lot of ways though I felt like my new returned self. Maybe it was the dress. I have had that dress tucked in my closet for a year. I bought it in Connecticut last year when I got back from Europe after I was encouraged that I should. It stayed in my closet for the entire year. Saturday afternoon I pulled out the long black and white article of clothing, Mandy curled my hair, and I applied red lipstick. It was fun to get dressed up that way, and look at my reflection and see not just confidence but just awareness. I got several comments on how I looked, but there was one person in particular whom I will not name because it would embarrass him, who in a hug, quietly spoke into my ear "you look absolutely beautiful. It's so wonderful to see you." I was taken so aback by his sentiment, and as I stepped back and searched his eyes I saw that the sincerity in which he meant was palpable. Every girl desires someone to notice them. Something I learned in Italy last year was that beauty is never about what we place on our bodies, or apply to our faces. More often then not, its what shines through your eyes and is communicated in your life. In Italy I was free of the lies I so often believed, and I was able to see experience the response of which. Having just returned from a whirlwind of adventure and challenges, I know that on Saturday night I was not being complimented on an outfit. I was being affirmed in a journey of flight. My response to this person was not just thank you, it was only fitting to give them a kiss on the cheek.

Saturday night was refreshing and absolutely divine. Two wonderful friends have begun a journey and ministry in marriage, and I was glad that I was able to witness it.

Loved.It.