friendship.wanting.needing.

I am home. For awhile. 

Since my last post I have returned to the States, only to have taken a road trip to Connecticut the next day, and then a week long love fest through Kentucky and Ohio, ending with Kerri and Justin's Wedding. I purposely didn't chat on the phone during my drive out to KY or returning yesterday in hopes to savor the quiet time in the car, to tap into a little bit of what I loved about my European Adventure: just time to think, pray, and have time alone. 

It.Was.Wonderful.

In May I heard a Sermon about Friendship. Then this past Sunday I heard another one. A different take and perspective, but still rooted in Godly Friendships that build community, and are a reflection of God's love for us, His pursuit of us. What was particularly interesting in the message on Sunday was that the previous evening I participated and celebrated with Kerri and Justin as they exchanged vows, and began their new life together. I watched a beloved friend commit her life to her love. It was beautiful and poignant. So... lots of thoughts on friendship as of late. 

Two years ago Kerri was an intern at camp, and was going through the growing pains of her relationship with Justin, and in the midst of that we became really great friends. On our own we could talk endlessly about boys, God, the future, the sales at the Gap, anything. That was the summer I decided to leave Property Staff, and with my intern Mark, Kerri and I had a summer full of "Day Three Dates" which were some of my favorite nights of that summer. It could be said at the time that Kerri completed the dynamic Mark and I had... but sitting here on this Tuesday morning it is sobering to think that two years later Mark's part of the equation no longer exists. Life happened. Hurt happened. And in the midst of Kerri's wedding on Saturday night, I caught myself glance over the crowd half expecting him to the be there. He wasn't. In the months since moving on, I never let go of protecting what it was, or who we were in it. I realized while in Europe that in doing so, I've silently hurt about it and that is exhausting. So while I searched his face in a crowd, and expected him to sit next to me so we could laugh- I knew that the best parts of Day Three Dates were two years ago, and the best part of right now is that I got to be with Kerri and our friendship could speak the truth, and for me, there was nothing to defend. That part of me, is over.  

While in Europe I thought OFTEN of Wanting and Needing. In High School I had, I suppose what some would call an unlikely best friend in Kathryn. I say unlikely because, I did Young Life and Emmaus, and she didn't- she participated in the Arts and maintained a close circle of friends who also did those things. I didn't think Kathryn and I would ever be friends, because when we were Sophomore's she ratted me out to my crush who was a good friend. I don't remember details. But I can laugh now, because seriously, what was I thinking? Anyway. We had mutual friends, and I can't remember now how it worked out but we became really close, and while we each had several confidants she was among my best and I loved her.  Our friendship was either all or nothing. I think even now, this may be my favorite thing about growing up with Kathryn- I knew that if I needed her she was all in, it was never lukewarm. We often had conversations about "wanting and needing", and it was a divine moment when our friendship was both. She went to College, I moved to New Haven, we were in touch. Then we weren't. I moved to Virginia, she came to visit. She met her husband, and I read Scripture in their wedding. She moved to England, and I lost Bill. We lost each other. Yet. A couple of years ago after her and Alan moved back to the States, and during a visit to Connecticut we met up for lunch. It was hard. There were pleasantries exchanged, we were cordial. But it was different. I realized how I had stopped fighting for our friendship, and in turn the wanting and needing were no longer applicable descriptions. We sat and were honest. We were all or nothing... still... and weren't going to settle from anything less then the other. When I got back in my car, my heart was deeply thankful that part of who we were was still true. Thanks to Facebook, we're able to randomly leave comments that always defer back to the past and completely make me smile. I mention her because in thinking about what I want in my life, and what I need in my life in recent weeks- I have often returned to what I learned during High School and in life after which thanks to the vehicle of her friendship... it all comes back to what I want and what I need.

What is true friendship? 

Is it the one that you know for years and years?

Is it the one that can recall your most embarrassing moment and ignite new joy?

Is it the one that in the midst of hearing a name brought up in conversation, searches your eyes to bring it comfort?  

Is it the one you can sit quietly with and not have to speak, for them to know your heart?

Is it the one that when you just want to talk about nothing can find something to talk about for hours?

In my life, I know it can be all of those things and it is so much more. 

Right now, in my life I have a beautiful image of Christ painted by those that I love, and love me. I have had a really challenging couple of years. There have been highs, and there have been lows. I have questioned and doubted my worth because someone lied to me. I have laughed so hard that I snarfed Diet Coke. I have cried in joy as I have experienced my friends love me while arranging hundreds of flowers for a wedding. I have had to walk away and found out the truth later. I have shared countless coffee dates and found my heart understood in another in a brand new way. I have heard songs on the radio that were reflections of what I thought and felt about someone. Right now I pray that I am loving, praying, and fighting for the right people. 

This summer I've learned a lot about friendship. I have seen the Lord in beautiful places and spaces. I have been quiet for days with only myself to talk to. I have pushed some away and not told them I was struggling. I have returned home, wondering if it was safe to land. I have written postcards, letters, and emails that were from the heart to another. I am still working out what I want and need for the every day and the long term... but right now in the midst of my closest friends I see Christ everyday in their love, their patience, their laughter, and the many ways they know my heart and encourage me to embrace more of the Father and to hear more of the truth. 

It's been a great summer of thought. The book is going to be fantastic.