This may be the longest I have ever gone without writing.
It's not that I've been terribly busy, distracted, or without anything to talk about. Since my last entry I have celebrated Matty's Birthday with Tex, Bill, and Meghan at the Melting Pot. I have hosted my dear friend Emily and her precious children Jude, and Carly. We then took a road trip to Connecticut, after a whirlwind two days turned around and I was dropped off by Em in PA to ride back to Lexington with Tex who was on his way from a trip to Pittsburgh. I enjoyed the time with Emily, and I admire her ability to multitask in ways I cannot, and love equally and without measure two babies at the same exact time. I had some great visits while I was home, that rank among those tender moments in life that we wish we could hold onto longer- and as their time comes to close we wrap our fingers around it to savor it. Sandy's visit with her girls was that sort of visit. It was warm, it was deep, it was comfortable... and it was an afternoon following a challenging morning that brought peace and light. I spent some time with Renee, whom I believe could be a kindred spirit, and many times throughout the visit wished I lived in Connecticut so I could watch Sandy's girls, and Lucas who was not present, grow up. I have been home a lot this year... mostly in quick visits without much time to venture out into old stomping grounds, or to tap into relationships that have not been worked on very much due to time and distance. This summer when taking and bringing Gracie back I felt the pull of wanting to see and do more, but understanding that time was not in abundance and so each time I pulled away from my mom's house, in my head I raced through a favorite lunch spot, friends' couch, or some long lost memory that I wasn't able to visit with.
The past few days have been hot and humid in Virginia. I have found solace on one particular rock in the middle of the river reading, and snacking on Uncrustables. I have driven the long way home both times, and I have relished the windows being down, the wind bustling through the car, and the radio exploding with the life anthem of the moment. It has been calming and centering, and I think in many ways they have been afternoons I have deeply longed for but just couldn't pull it together to go find them.
Since I drove back down from Waynesboro on Sunday I have had one image come to mind time and time again- which has led to many countless wondering thoughts. This could also be attributed to the fact I've read The Time Traveler's Wife in the past two days, so in turn I've thought A LOT about time travel and memories. I decided that the trucks traveling on 81 were annoying me too much for such a beautiful day, and so I opted to drive back to Lexington on Route 11. I passed by Fairfield Elementary School, noticed their sign ready to go for new student registration, and one car in the parking lot. In the car there were only two people, and because of the distance and speed at which I was driving I was not able to see what they were doing there or if they were moving.
The sight brought me back to a very familiar place in my mind, and to a memory long forgotten... I remembered my high school parking lot, and my friend Jeff teaching me how to drive our mutual friends car... a stick shift. I think I was 17, and it was spring. Jeff was patient as he watched me get so frustrated when stalling out on the very slight hills of the parking lot, and before I was ready- he decided it was time to take the driving lesson "on the road" and off we went. He laughed as I cursed down Route 116, and freaked out as we approached town, which meant stop signs, and stop lights... which ultimately meant that I had to get the car out of first gear without stalling.
When I bought my first car, a red Honda Civic, it too required knowledge of the clutch, and my dad took me out driving in it. He was impressed at how easily I picked it up, and I didn't have the heart to explain to him that I had already been taught how to drive stick. I think it was one of those moments in my teenage years that I could very clearly see that while my Dad is always going to be my Dad, that at some point I would belong to someone else. My dad and I drove around a little bit, and he certified me capable of being able to drive safely... I graduated his driving course with flying colors... really all in thanks to the afternoon Jeff had spent with me months before that summer day.
My thoughts linger and move through countless memories, snapshots of moments, and the deep well of feeling that remind me of things I can't articulate. Driving with the windows down, the wind blowing through my hair, I weave my way through the mountains of this place with ease and familiarity.
In my mind-
I'm meeting Jeff for the first time on our Walt Disney World trip- and he's already finishing my sentences.
I'm laughing with Erin hysterically at Old Navy while signing the soundtrack to M. Rouge.
I'm at the New Years Summer Staff Reunion when Matty and I officially became real life "why weren't we friends?" friends.
I am driving around Bakersfield, California in a familiar yet unknown white volvo getting an In-n-Out Burger for lunch- and then Jamba Juice for dinner.
I'm standing before a friend I love before I know how they'll hurt me and I feel the sweetness of laughter.
I'm discovering my beloved bench for the first time.
I'm driving on 64 following a black truck while having one of the most amazing conversations I've had in my life to date.
I'm sitting in the river, with the sun on my back as I read and day dream another summer day away.
I'm tasting my first cup of Gelato in Florence, Italy.
I'm holding Mandy's hand while we ride the Haunted Mansion in Paris, before everything about the day changed.
I'm sitting on a bench before the most spectacular sunset in Santorini, followed by the most special sunrise with a friend the next morning.
I'm a little girl dreaming of my future while making mud pies in my backyard.
I'm many places, I'm many different ages- in my mind I see it, and I am remembering it in the way I suppose I would feel it if I were to go back to those particular moments as I am now.
Most of my days are consumed with visions and pictures ranging in their emotional sentimentality. It is the freedom of thought that I so love about traveling solo, I am free to roam, and talk only to myself about what I remember. I find comfort in being able to do so. I wish I could articulate what I see in ways you'd understand. I see all these things in pictures I have taken- they are like my own little hidden stories and moments that live deep in the fabric of the image.
In my mind... I am remembering some good things. Some hard things. I'm feeling a little lonely for times past. I'm wishing in some ways to go back to all the snapshots above and take notice a little more before they pass. I'm feeling content for pinkie swear promises kept. I'm feeling challenged in great ways by what is to come. In my mind, I'm still... just watching the scenes change.
