Where I'm At

The truth is, this past week I was so sick and ridiculously achy that I worked myself out of emotional stability and into complete and utter confusion. The highlight if you could even say there is a highlight is that I was with Seth and Julie, so if I were to be sick in the company of anyone, they would be the ones to pick.

It was supposed to be my lets see if I want to live in Newburgh weekend, and instead it turned into a sad moment just wanting my bed, my dog, and things of comfort in Virginia. It was hard, and it was draining-- and I spent many hours just thinking. The pace slowed... the distracted ceased. I was left only with half lucid moments awake and then streaming video like dreams in my head as I contemplated and debated every possible option of my future. 

I have returned back to Kentucky after spending the day with Kerri, and catching up with her about all things in my life- and her upcoming wedding. I valued her listening ear, and affirmative voice in her always outside the box perspective paired with her heart for my benefit and purpose in growth. We did all things us: Cheesecake Factory, shopping, magazines at B&N, Target... giggles, conversation, and goodness. I now sit on the couch at Jessica's house reflecting on a week I've had since I left, who I saw, what I talked about, and how I generally feel. When I woke up this morning I knew that it was time to get back on the road and move onto the next thing- and my heart felt anxious, confused, and conflicted.

Tonight? I still feel some anxiety, confusion, and conflict... but it was a day to talk and be heard and after all that I had to say was said, I heard some really amazing pieces of wisdom that meant more to me then I knew at the moment they were spoken. I had a few key conversations that helped turn me around and bring be back to basics. I'm thankful for friends that I am able to be completely honest with, even if my natural reaction is to be ambiguous and hold myself back. I'm thankful for friends that wait for me to describe what I'm thinking, and allow that process to unfold... and after what I've held in is let out, and I sit quiet on the phone or across from them-- in the place of what left my heart is not the void in vulnerability but the touch of the one who chose to ask a question, and listened... in the void of where fear can grow, trust and pure love is replaced.

I have learned a lot of things the past couple of weeks. I have seen a lot of people I love, and I have made new friends in the process. I have had to face some demons that followed me from Virginia, and I have had to watch some friends deal with drama they did not anticipate or desire. It has been interesting, and it has been challenging in more ways then I could say now, and I'm thankful its not over. It's never really over. It doesn't matter where I am, who I stay with, or what I do... this heart is opened and waiting... for more then making the best-- I'm waiting for the Call. That perhaps could have been the biggest epiphany of this entire experience so far... which was really just articulated beautifully today with the help of a great friend. 

"Lost for words, so lost in love, sweetly broken- Holy surrender

At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees..."