To Knowing...

This week has been insane. I got back from my 48 hour stint on Kentucky, and right back into the social scheme and network of my life here in Lexington. I was really inspired by my time in KY to continue to pray about pursuing my entrepreneurial desires of having my own shop, 'k.boo'. I came home at a loss about the movement that I was sensing in my heart, and I could start to feel one hand reaching out for what was next in my life, and the other grasping at the walls to hold onto what I have now. 

I had an interview yesterday in the local area, and I left feeling like if they could hire me on the spot, that they would have. I have been praying and praying for exactly what the Lord has in store for me for my professional aspirations, and so much of that has been tied into the idea of staying in Virginia. I have however began to experience my heart begin to be truly open to relocating, but when I received the call about interview my first reaction was frustration when for weeks I had pursued being here, NOW when I'm open to going- I get an opportunity to STAY? Of course when we say yes in a true real profound capacity we are met there by the opportunities we couldn't see before, and we are taken down a path we couldn't have found on our own. What do you do when the opportunities that took us longer to reach vulnerability seem to be more attractive? Is that an illusion? How do we respond to the opportunity presented before us that we had been praying for the entire time? 

I got a call back for a second interview, and this time with a position that I would very seriously consider and be interested in. The past two serious professional jobs I had both lasted 3 and 4 years. I think while I am flighty and a gypsy, when it comes to employment I have the sense to be serious, to let the growth opportunity to happen, and to really invest my whole heart into the capacity in which I fill. I know that if given the offer to stay in Lex Vegas, Va I would sincerely want it... but I'm not quite sure if that is what I need. 

I'd like to say that I portray Grace under Pressure during this time, or that I'm completely composed and put together. I say that I would like to portray those things only because I think that would be the ideal. And yet, I have been a locked up box of insight, internal debate, inspiration, panic, and prayer. I have amazing friends who range from being local, to those in distance, who have supported me with prayer. I know that the Lord is listening, and I know that I draw comfort from knowing that the village that surrounds my heart in love seek my happiness and purpose more then they want to become a stumbling block in my journey. 

When the facade strips away, and the cavalier way in which I have addressed my future begins to fall.... the absolute fear is revealed. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I hesitate sharing the options only because they are so varied, insane and manic that I think I'd drive everyone crazy. I have held in the openness to moving away because I was afraid of the way it'd make my friends feel, and I just wasn't ready to say it out loud. I have also learned that complete exhaustion, emotional stimulation, and margaritas don't mix!

I am learning that the part of me that is struggling, is the part of me that most reflects my complete reliance on Christ, and portraying any version beyond that isn't authentic. It has been suggested that showing not having it all together is a better articulation of who I am, and its a more worthwhile view. I agree with the suggestion. The fear that comes in light of panic and insecurity is more then what others will say and their opinions. It is the sheer nakedness and vulnerability, wanting to be comforted by more then the heart of Christ, but the desire to be embraced by those I love. We can't have the embrace if we don't take away all that distracts from the truth. I am becoming more aware of the simple challenging truth of that statement. 

It's a scary time, its an exciting time. I realize I am sitting in a very unique position, to be able to pursue any and all opportunities that come my way. I realize that I am fumbling through the motions, and perhaps later I will be able to see it as a much more graceful dance. It's a hard and growing time, but I can't say I'd change it for anything in the world. Traveling provided the opportunity to seek and find out in the grand unknown compass of people, places, and landscapes. I have realized more and more recently how completely fantastic that journey of flight was and continues to be, as what I have learned permeates the part of my life that is rooted. 

I am thankful. I am a mess trying to sort this all out. I just want to know. But I have hope in Christ, and I have hope because I am loved by those who have hope as well. 

 

Lord, 

"Walk with me in the moonlight bay
Lose ourselves in the star parade
And I will sing a midnight serenade for you
Dance with me in a field of green
Be so close I can hear you breathe
Be the end and the in between

‘Cause to know you is to know love
And to know love is to know enough
To walk with you through this life
From now until the day I die
‘Cause what better way is there to live than to with you"