Grief.

Sometimes I think I read her blog and she is inside my head. I have a friend whom I have never lived in the same town as, or really shared community with- yet, we are in community together. I read her blog and sometimes I quote her here. I like her a lot. We exchange emails from time to time, and I find that I would love to just sit and talk for hours over coffee. But I live here, and she lives there- and so our community of friendship is found on the blogger.

Tonight I read her summary of this year, which dealt with a tremendous amount of grief and loss, but also growth.

As I read her thoughts I took a moment, a quick half second as to not let the thoughts carry me away- about the tremendous loss I too faced this year. The bottom that was hit. How everything hit the fan. And then before getting upset in unhealthy dimensions of continued frustration, I was able to pause for the joy that came too.

I am thankful that in the midst of trial and tribulation, and even most recently having just spent some time with Tex and his family over the Christmas break- that my joy was not robbed by grieving what was lost. True that memories can play tricks with us, and that the recent week has polluted my normal thinking with grievances about my relationship with my mom, childhood Christmas memories passed, and most tenderly what glances communicate that words can't with a beloved friend whom still knows the story. I am thankful that as I enter into 2011 I am not the same girl who stumbled into 2010, hoping to capture perfection, but instead understands the depth of her own sin, struggle, and defiance... but also knows in a new heightened awareness the capacity of love and forgiveness, friendship and pursuit, and mostly that you can come through loss, and you can overcome depression. You can. You can. You can.

But that doesn't mean that its your struggle alone. And the passage below relays to me that I've hurt those I've loved this year and in the past because of what I was losing. I get it. I'm hopeful that this is a lesson I only have to learn once. I'm thankful that in the midst of what I lost and had to let go of, I was able to capture the one thing that mattered... and that was a profound sense of purpose and self in Christ Jesus.

"I learned that there are as many ways to die as there are to live, and that death changes the core of those left behind. I know it's changed me. I learned that death takes bodies and leaves souls but depression takes the soul and leaves the body and no matter which robbing occurs there are those left to deal with the newly empty space. This year both of those losses found me."

Memory.

Sometimes I want to make a list of what is gone, so that I can remember that I actually had it once.

Then I think about how sad that list could become. Like a shrine for the past, that will never breathe life again.

And that's just hard because there are more times then not that I just want to be able to hold onto something that was real.

Like a tattoo to the heart or a branding iron to the skin. Just to remember. Just to know that in fact at one point my life touched that. At one point I loved and breathed and lived and laughed with that memory in its action and not just in the recollection of the event.

I don't know what to do with this desire.

I don't know what to do with the countless memories and moments that sometimes rise to the surface and I'm completely unable to let them just pass.

Instead they haunt and they populate and like the intention of ghosts I admit that they sometimes scare me.

How to be bold in this place of smoke and mirrors.

How to be safe in this place of memory and recollection.

I am not sure.

This week has been a lot of resurgence of memory. I have participated in family activities and tradition. I have been incredibly well loved and my time has been purposed well. I would not trade the company of those that I have kept for anything, though sometimes I wish the thoughts of the past would remain below.

And that is just where I'm at right at this moment.

holiday cheer.

Those of you who know me well, know that I have been sort of a Scrooge for the past few years.

I remember meeting up with Seth and Julie Michels in NKY Thanksgiving about... what was that? Three years ago? Yeah. Anyway- I was sharing my disdain for Family Choices and drama around the Holidays. Like there had be a resurgence of the hardship in my life, and it made me a bit of a Debbie Downer. Seth completely understand the dynamics of families endured and through Divorce situations. I felt like I was heard.

The journey however since that Thanksgiving has been hard. I've struggled with wanting something I can't have, and that has ruined my ability to be joyful in what is there. Last year I spent Christmas with the Pipers. It was difficult due to their previously announced divorce, but all in all, it was a great Christmas. Kristyn, Tex, and I laughed a lot- played a lot of Mario on the Wii, and just enjoyed each other. It was a gift. It was a prayed for time, and there was a lot of apprehension leading up to the time together, but I never have regretted it. It was beloved.

This year I am going to Emily's parents house. They are like parents to me, and when the debate this year came around about where I was going to spend my time, and what kind of time off I'd get there was a lot of struggle about not being able to go to South Dakota to see my sister. Since the invitation from Emily, I have thought "yeah if I can get the time off to justify the drive I will go."

I hosted Thanksgiving. I don't know if I could adequately describe how good the company was to have in my home, the view as I looked around the table at loved faces, or how I went to sleep each night to my full size bed- Gracie, and Mandy as we shared. It was warm. Cozy. Comfortable. Sublime. Quiet. Loud. Gregarious. Generous. And I felt so completely loved and able TO love without asking for, or wanting any singular thing to be different. I wrote as my Facebook status something completely true- as a girl who often struggles with a desire to fast forward, or rewind through life, I was most grateful for my ability to really pause and PLAY with the great loves in my life. It was a different pace of time. And it was a reflection of a hard fought and won year.

I am transitioning into thoughts of Christmas and all that entails. I may not love love Christmas music on a large scope, but I am enjoying my Josh Groban and Sugarland Holiday selections. I have laughed at work as the play list has been infused with Holiday Classics, and while I don't sing along- its a refreshing moment to be aware of the Season, its purpose, and how my heart is not dreading what is to come. I am content in my decision to see Emily, and am thankful that because of that choice and her family I will be driving through KY and OH and will be able to see Mandy, Kristyn, and then of course Tex as well.

I continue to pray about the time West of here. And I admit there are moments when I sense my panic come into play, and influence decisions that my common sense knows better then to indulge. I'm excited to celebrate our born King, and all the joy and hope that comes with the birth of a child. I continue to marvel at how much this year I have sensed myself "grow up", and wake up. But how much of that has really been remembering the simple pleasures in life, if you let them because the treasures that matter- and seeking Joy in all circumstances will completely change everything. everything. forever.

It's refreshing not feel like a Scrooge. Even if in moments I long for something that is not real. It's the trick of the heart and mind, and I am finding myself winning that battle more then losing it.

Thanksgiving was a gift. Treasure. And completely Jesus in every aspect. I am excited to feel similarly in a couple of short weeks as Christmas Celebrating with a family so precious to me will bring forth more joy, acceptance, love, and Godly perspective.

Thankful. For you. Still and Always.

xoxo

Kar

December, what?

I can't explain why right now this is hard. Writing is just hard.

There is a lot of goodness, joy, closure, peace, and happiness. I am doing well. And not just in a "I'm ok way"... like this morning I woke up and I have been waking up achey (debating a new mattress, or body transplant)-- but I stared up at the ceiling and I just felt like me, the me I love.

She's been back for awhile now. And at some point in the future I would like to have a conversation with Matty and Mandy about their thoughts about this year. Not that their opinions will change me or it, but I am just curious as they witnessed a lot, supported a lot, but the biggest things they both gave me was space and room. I seriously cannot imagine my life without them, and sharing Thanksgiving together as 'family' was humbling and profound for me. They have been the best friends- truly. I have always thought that Tex was the BFF, but in so many ways he was always the boyfriend. We emotionally dated forever before we dated, and we've always been some version of complicated. I think this realization is also because I have been thinking and praying a lot about the future, and my friends that I love that will one day meet their spouses and get married. I was thinking about "what if Matt started dating someone tomorrow?" and while I love Matt and will miss some of the attention, I can't wait to know who is bride is. I can't wait to meet her, love her, become friends with her, and just experience the newness. Nothing about my friendship with Matt would change. We have integrity, and we have boundaries. I just hope she lets me still call him Matty, and that we can still say "smooches" all the time. And then I thought about the man that I know is in Mandy's future. I just got all excited about this vision for her wedding, her dress, her smile, and her release into a life shared with someone. These two friends complete this year, and they have been the absolute best friends through tears, rain, shine, and in the celebration of this fall-- have never never let me down. I am just learning better how to let them into my chaos, my hurt, and my joy. It's changing everything.

I feel more grateful right now for the things I have, then I have in the past. I know that I sometimes struggle to hold onto something so tight that I'm unable to see how its infecting other places of my heart. And sometimes I stare at 'walls' hoping that they'll move, change, grow up, or capture me-- just be anything other then a wall. Staring never helps. I have found though that walking up to that wall, and carving out a door, so that I can walk THROUGH- does help.

Honestly. I just feel settled down.

Hope you are well- and loving this season!

Love.Love.

Kar

Soaring.

I am writing because I have to. There are some things in life that are sort of necessary to functioning, and if you don't practice the discipline then the functions of your core just seem to fade. What's ironic about knowing that I need to write more, is that I'm here right now: writing again. I brought my lap top, and Gracie to bed the other night and just wrote for a good long while about everything going on in my life, around me, my thoughts, my car rides, etc... and then blogger FAILED and didn't save my draft before I went to post it.

So these thoughts are sort of recycled. But don't worry, I don't think that they will feel used when you read them.

I've been thinking about a lot of different things, but for the most part I have this one thought everyday day about one particular place: The Airport.

For those of you that are not familiar with the location of my job, I work in Roanoke and to get off the exit you pass the off ramp towards the little small airport. I have frequented this airport. I have parked my car there days and days at a time. I have been dropped off, picked up, and even stranded there for hours as my flights have been delayed and/or cancelled. I know that there is nothing worth purchasing there for snacks. I know also that the advertisement for Roanoke Mountains in baggage claim proudly features a picture of my friend Patrick who was hired as a model for the shoot.

I have had a wild love affair with airports. I have loved them. I like the movement of transit. I like having to coordinate, "do I have enough time to go to the bathroom, get to currency exchange, and get Starbucks before I have to board my flight?". I like people watching and every so often people talking. I like looking at the magazines and deciding which ones I will purchase to keep my attention for my flight. In the air, I feel the comfort in confinement, which is interesting because I love wide open spaces. The energy and motion of moving from one place to another, waking up in one place and falling asleep across the country, or world... I love.

I hear flights preparing to land sometimes from inside the store. It's a familiar view, when you fly in from Charlotte you fly over Target and the mall, and then land. I've done their approach often. There are random times when I am leaving work or heading in that I will look up to follow in sight what I hear coming or going. There is usually a split second that I wonder, "if I were on that flight, where would I going or returning from?".

What follows this question is the most surprising answer. I don't know, because there is no where else I need, want, or desire to be.

Friends. A victory round of clapping should follow that statement.

For every place that I've ever been, and for every place I've ever touched I know that there are a few things for absolute certain. I am grounded. I am here. I am in the now. Even in the midst of still emotional confusion, and general exhaustion: I am happy. Truly. And deeply.

And just because I'm not gallivanting around the world, or heading off to see random sights- does not mean my wings have been clipped. I think finally, I am rested and restored that I can be here and still be a dreamer, and I can still fly. I'm just flying in the way that I most sought and desired but could not capture before.

The Lord has completely rested, restored, and renewed my heart in this capacity.

It's amazing. So I as I prepare in my head my shopping list, and house chores for the Thanksgiving Holiday next week which I am hosting... I am thinking about flight. The movement and the race I've run. How I have turned the corner. How I have been changed and molded by where I've been--- how all of those places have come home. And every last lesson I learned but was not yet ready to embrace into action, has started to return to the surface. I am remembering the beauty I knew in Italy, the independence I felt in Hong Kong, the need for community I knew in Paris, the Grace of God in Santorini, the desire for childlike joy and wonder in China... I could list on and on.

I'm back in the atmosphere.

The wings of fear are clipped, and in their place are the wings that can rest while situated firmly on the ground, while still... soaring.

This morning I walked out of Target. It's a rainy, misty, cold, and cloudy day. I could hear a flight approaching to land, but when I looked up it was hidden in the density of the sky. I smiled. And shook my head. I paused. Thanked the Lord for the ways He brought me home again, and again safely... and how so many of those times I felt like a girl trying to navigate life through clouds and fog which I could not see through or break free. But He knew the way. He knew the plan. When I was finally, finally, finally able to let my hands extend out from my body, and stretch out my arms- did I return. I went around the world. Twice. I have thousands of pictures to document the journey.

I finally see it. I finally hear it. I can finally touch it. Finally.

It was worth every moment, every doubt, every question- to know this for sure now: soaring does not mean I have to go out and find it everywhere else. I just need to jump into my life, and trust that God will bring me back through all the turmoil and turbulence reflecting more of Him than when I began.

I love you.

Thanks for praying- for the past couple of years as I've pursued this truth.

catching up.

I have not written and I admit that I miss it.

Sometimes I will be driving home and I will think of a thousand things to say and share but once i walk into my door I'm speechless.

I wrote last week a novel update on the work life, it was cathartic because it was finally the ability to articulate some of my feelings and stuff that I'm dealing with. However, I miss my routine of blogging, picture taking, and just being who I am in this place- who has actually not been who I am in this place in a long time, because I've been everywhere else... all the freaking time.

The List of Now:

1) Went to the Packers game with my brother and dad. It was great fun, and it was a bucket list item now checked off. I loved laughing, sharing, and staying cool in the 90 degree heat with my family. It was great.

2) Kristyn and Kalan came to visit this weekend, on their way to Maryland where Kalan is now working/living. I stayed up late with Kristyn, and shared in a glorious conversation about friendship, love, relationships, purpose, goodbyes, and holding on. She is dealing with a lot of the grief of moving a best friend far away, and my heart in the context of such a topic knows exactly what she is talking about. It's been almost a year since Tex moved and sometimes I think I foolishly still expect him to pull up to the house, come inside, change some light bulbs that have gone out, and stay for dinner. Anyway, I love the girls. And we did a little photo shoot in downtown Lexington in the Fall sunshine, and it was divine.

3) Today I am actually getting three things accomplished that I have procrastinated and struggled with. 2 new tires. Oil change. Hair cut. To say that I've been obsessed with these things is a complete understatement. I can't stop thinking about them, and I have debated and procrastinated until the better day, a better choice. Though today the stress it was bringing was more intense then the waiting, and so I am sitting here utilizing a little work cubby and free Internet while I wait for my car. Then I hang out with Nicki for my session, and then at 4pm we are cutting the hair and coloring it brown. Going dark kids. Its time.

4) I am struggling through balance. I know that my time and productivity does not define my value. I just wish however that I knew how to enjoy my personal time more as I "come down" from a work day, or "gear up" when I'm closing. I think I do this better when I'm the opening manager because it forces me to come home and regroup and then I have a few hours before I go to bed to either go out to eat with a friend, or get a little organized. Tonight is my only real night at home all week. I'm hoping to be home by 7pm. That is my goal. We will see how this goes.

5) I am ok. I feel better right now then I have in recent weeks as the transition to work becomes less transition and more routine. I like the job. I am exhausted emotionally by it, but it is clear that I am there for a specific reason which has less to do with formal wear then it does to be a light in a very dark place as the staff is just struggling. I'm excited and encouraged by this conviction to be there, even if at times I admittedly resent it.

6) Going to be checking out a new church this Sunday in Roanoke. I work at 2pm, which means I have time for an 11am service and lunch after. I'm sad to not be at Tab in Waynesboro, but I think the reality of my life being in Roanoke full time in the week leads me to choose a community either where work is or in Lexington- Roanoke being the better church option for when I work Sundays. So praying through that and hoping that the Lord blesses the search with clarity.

There is lots more to share and care, but I had to start somewhere, so today that is all.

Love you.

Homework Assignment

Last week I was talking to Dave about my lack of picture taking when I am at home.

I shared that I wouldn't even consider a drive more then an hour away without my camera. And yet, in my everyday life I don't take pictures. I have written here that it is something I love when I'm traveling. And that I'm trying to understand how to bring it into my everyday life, or at least a more regular life here now that work begins (tomorrow).

I love the sound of the shutter. I love the process of looking back on a period spent peeking through a camera lens.

This process is expanded and expounded when I am not in my home state of Virginia.

And I have no idea why.

So this morning I took a roll of film and shot things around my house. I am trying to familiarize myself with film, it's been a frustrating process. I then took a round of digital shots of my life in this house, this house that I have fallen more and more in love with in the recent weeks.

Above are the results of the assignment.

I love them.

I love that the pictures look my me.

I love that I'm consistent across the board and that as a collective piece: I make sense.

I love that I know the story behind all of them. And I love that when someone else looks at them they see my life, but when that special person does: they see our life. This crazy ridiculous wonderful life full of Jesus and friendship and so much love.

I'm glad for the homework assignment. I'm glad for the challenge.

I need to remember it.