Too Fast

I talk too fast.
I drive too fast. 

There are many things in my life I do too fast.

When I was in High School I ran myself in circles socially and never really stopped. During this time I learned something that I often wish I could unlearn. I tend to get wound up, distracted, and unable to stop long enough to just... breathe. I was trying to balance things in my head so that my heart wouldn't have to feel them before I could understand them. I was trying to make sense of things that were happening in my family, so that perhaps I could survive the changes that the passing of my live-in grandfather, and the split of my parents would initiate. I kept my mouth shut, and just kept living my life in the midst of the chaos, and never let on that there was anything wrong. I know that suppressing my thoughts and feelings is never the solution. And yet, I have found myself recently opening the doors to places that I have not often allowed myself to vulnerable, and have heard twice from two different people that love me and about two completely different situations, "I didn't know. You never let on". 

I don't mention this to say that I'm not doing well. I mention it because over the weekend I spent some good time in my car, spending time with family, preparing for class, hanging out on the roof of the Penthouse talking to a beloved friend on the phone, grabbing a favorite meal at the Cheesecake Factory- and then returning to Lexington. Over the five days I spent away from home I didn't ache for it at first, I seamlessly went from one thing to the next... in the classic pace of: constant movement. Yesterday I found my thoughts return and focus down on things of the heart that I'm struggling with, choices that I'm still trying to make, places I am still at the feet of the Father asking for wisdom and clarity in my gut... the strange thing is that I kept looking for something in particular. I would notice that I would trace the city sky line and couldn't quite pin point what I was seeking. Then finally. Finally, it made complete sense. 

I was looking for the mountains. I kept looking for the Blue Ridge, and I couldn't find it. 

Today I left Richmond, and I drove back in the sunshine with the sunroof open and arrived at my house with a sense of deep comfort. With the exception of Gracie being boarded and the sadness of not snuggling with her on the couch while watching American Idol, I am home and it is perfect. I have relaxed, I have let a deep sigh out, and everything that I do too fast, and everything that I push down to love others before myself, does not matter. 

My latest challenge is that I thought I had grown leaps and bounds from the girl that never addressed certain things of the heart in my parental angst of high school. Truth is, I am still that girl, in small moments, and in big ones. I remember one night I was arguing with Stan the Man about my grades, I was rounding out my Senior year, and looking back that was the peak of emotional stress and suppression. He was trying to understand why I was struggling with homework and exams, and I was on my way to San Francisco to visit my brother for Spring Break. We went back and forth, and he kept asking for answers. I stood in front of someone who wanted to understand, who was pursuing me for an explanation, who wanted to love me well... and I had only one thing to say, and that was, "I'm tired". That statement has always been the red light in a situation when I get myself worked up in my heart, or if I am not dealing with something or someone well. When there is nothing for me to say, and the walls are built high and wide... the only window I am ever able to open is the one that can only say I'm tired.

About a month or so ago I found that thought come to the surface and out of my mouth. It was so slow, and it was so quiet at first that I didn't pay attention to it at first. Then finally I had reached my limit, and I had reached a place that I didn't know what was the right choice, wrong choice, for the wrong reasons or the right ones. I didn't know. I didn't hear what I was saying- and by articulating I'm tired, I was screaming to myself "stop, slow down"- I just wasn't listening. 

I don't know why I'm unable to slow down in the way that matters. It makes sense though that by traveling, and visiting people constantly was so fun. It wasn't always the "being there". Often times and classically related to, 'its not the destination, its the journey', my freedom was found in the transit. The hours in a car, the hours on a plane, the being... the waiting... the stillness in movement because so much of my time on the go I was alone- trying to get to someone. What I really loved about many of those visits to someone was the arrival, but then the departure. 

I am worth slowing down for. I am worth spending the time and getting to the heart of the matter. I am worth saying more then "I'm tired", and working hard to articulate hurts, dreams, and desires to those I think I'm protecting by remaining quiet. I am worth more. I have often operated out of wanting more, thinking that I need more... and I admit that most of the time I am just being selfish. But in this one area, I have moved quickly, and I have worked hard to be strong, to be brave, to not slow down enough to feel like I'm falling apart in a particular area... I operate out of survival mode. Then one day the surviving bleeds into passiveness, then that bleeds into hurt, and finally the hurt takes its toll and I'm left exhausted. 

I need to slow down. Not working full time, pursuing photography, and figuring all of those dreams out have definitely allowed the pace to change. I am in this time right now and I know that I will not always be in this position. I am enjoying it more, and I'm relaxed more in the process. But that doesn't mean I've been able to let go of the girl that keeps moving and doesn't want to have both her feet on the ground at the same time. Tonight I drove the two hours back to the mountains, listened to a sermon about Hills... and I thought deeply and truly in my bones that being here in this moment, and in this time has shown me that I am still the girl that will try and be "ok" about anything and everything just so that I could believe it, and that needs to stop. 

I am well. I am happy. I am stressed. I am overwhelmed. But I am hopeful. I have a plan. I have a purpose. I am tired, but I am feeling renewed... I am beginning to feel refreshed and restored. I am moving quickly, but I'm not running. I am allowing those who love me, to love me well by giving more then token responses to questions, or telling them what they want to hear. I'm letting the doors open, I'm letting the walls in certain areas come down brick by brick... and what I've found is that the walls didn't keep me 'safe', they kept me from being loved the way I truly desire from those in my life, but also keeping me from experiencing true nourishment and growth with the Savior.

The mountains... they help me make sense of the manic and chaotic thoughts. The mountains are what I always seek in every sky line and in every stretch of highway. Today... it totally clicked in my heart, and that was something quite amazing. 

Jim.

On Tuesday night Tex and I went to the Waffle House and spent a few hours discussing small details about my photography class, and then some bigger picture items. It was one of those conversations that when the time came to go, and we were to get into our cars to drive to our respective homes, I just didn't want to, I didn't want Wednesday to come... I think it will become one of those exchanges in our friendship I will always wish we had tape recorded it. So when I finally made my way home, and crawled into bed with Gracie, I found my thoughts moving from every random thought I had about life, about the content of the conversation Tex and I shared, to the way Margie loved us well with endless water refills and a complimentary waffle with a strawberry smiley face- that as we ate it said, "we're going to regret this tomorrow", and just her attention to us. I didn't want to forget finally getting to the heart of the matter, and what it means to speak out loud things that I had been carrying for a long time, and I didn't want to forget how those things were received. My mind finally rested, and I woke up. I woke up at 7:30am and my heart was sad, because the very reason I didn't want to go to sleep came true: Wednesday came. 

I had scheduled an Internet installation for the house a week ago, the appt. got moved from last Wednesday, to yesterday. After I woke up I talked to my mom for a little bit, and then Jim the installer called to say he was about an hour away, he was really friendly. When he arrived I was still wearing my sweatshirt from the night before, my ponytail was going into a thousand different directions, and I hadn't eaten breakfast yet. He was warm and friendly, and we discussed where the router would be going in the house, and made small talk about how he specially requested my job in Lexington because he lives a few hours away and didn't want to have to make the drive out further to Richmond at the other house on the docket.  

After he had worked outside for a couple of hours, he came inside. I was in the midst of a conversation with Mandy about life and the chaos I was experiencing in my heart about choices, loss, hurt, commentary on conversations had and their triumphs. I just talked, and talked and opened up and in that process I just started crying. There was no holding back the tears, and I didn't care that Jim was now working in the house finishing the install. I just let go. 

The work was done and completed. Internet: successful.

I went to the office, initialed agreements, and paid for the project. We chatted a little while longer, talked about my photography that he had admired on my screen saver and the future. I liked Jim, he shared about his daughter, and he was inviting... the ease I felt in his precense was established from the moment we met.

He headed out of the house, and I thanked him for his time and service. Wished him a great day, and then I went to my room to take a shower as I heard the van drive away. A few minutes later I turned the water on, and heard Gracie start barking. I walked towards the front door and saw Jim standing there, and his van down the driveway- the drivers side door still open. I motioned that he could come in, and I stood there just perplexed. He apologized for intruding, or over stepping a boundary- but said that he believed in God, and he couldn't help but listen to the conversation I had on the phone. I instantly started crying, and he went on to say that he knew I was going through something difficult, but that I needed to give it over to Jesus. He said that I needed to give it to the Lord, and that I just needed to pray. He told me it sounded easier then it could be done, but that I could do it- because we just need to pray even if its not what we want. I responded with "because its always what we need". He said he started driving away and felt convicted and had to come tell me that, because he knew I needed to hear it- he asked if he could give me a hug, I of course said yes. 

He left, and I cried. But it wasn't a release of tears rooted in sadness, it was a release of hope, faith, and the voice I needed to hear...

I love my friends. I love the way they listen to me rant and rave about the craziness in my heart and head. I love that they can challenge me, encourage me, and want so much better for me then sometimes I settle for. I love that I'm not judged when I remain in situations that aren't wise for me. I love that when they know something is happening, they will call me first thing in the morning to make sure I'm ok. I love that I know their love in their opinions and desires for my future. I love that when I'm hurting I don't have to advertise it to the world or everyone I see on a regular basis, I have my core that invite themselves into my heart and ask the questions. I have relied on these friends in a different way in the past two weeks about a particular area that I felt I was drowning in. Five of the most trusted and varied perspectives in my life all expressed a similar vision. I allowed those voices to become my voice because I wasn't strong enough to speak in my own. 

Yesterday, I heard in the voice of a stranger the only thing I needed to hear. So while I wait, debate, pray, pontificate, hurt, laugh, celebrate and triumph in an area I'm trying to get some air... I know that I need to silence every other voice except two. I need to pray. I need to each and every moment give it to the Lord. It's so basic. It's so simple. I get so frustrated at how I over complicate things, and try to control and manage my heart in that process. 

If my original appointment hadn't needed to be rescheduled for reasons unknown to me by the company, and if Jim hadn't specially requested to take my installation order... I never would have heard the only thing I needed to hear when Wednesday came. 

Pray. Give it to the Lord. Listen. With these things, I can Fight.

Don't Say Goodbye

Thanks to Matty Hypes I love a Buddy and Julie Miller Song. 

I may have listened to it a lot since I downloaded it. 

It's beautiful. 

I love it. 

There's nothing left to say about it. 

Don't Say Goodbye

Drinking rain, taking pictures in the dark

There's some flowers in my hair

And a whole inside my heart

And a whole you left in me

Its so deep and is so wide

If you look I think you'd see, see right to the other side

Take the stars down that I've wished on

Take the stars down from the sky

Take my heart and leave me here, but when you go don't say goodbye

I used to wait

Wait for trains that'd never come

I would wait for yesterday

But I was waiting for no one

So now, I don't look for you

To come walking through my door

Those were just longing of a child

Who doesn't live here anymore

So say a prayer

for the ones love left behind

'cause a broken heart grown cold

Is the hardest burden you can find

There's a bottle where God keeps

All our tears saved up inside

But its gonna take a river

For all the ones I have cried

Take the stars down that I wished on

Take my tears so I don't cry

Take my heart and leave me here, but when you go-

don't say goodbye

Take my heart down that I wished on

Take the stars down from the sky

But give me one last kiss that lingers when you go-

don't say goodbye

Jesus in the Playlist

Jesus came through again... via the shuffle feature on my iPod. Between Saturday and Sunday I had gone through 40+ songs, all of which were perfectly placed in the natural progression of thought in my heart as I drove around town, going down to Roanoke, and then Church in Waynesboro on Sunday. After the first song or two, I was like "ok this is pretty ridiculous" so I started scribbling down track names on scraps of paper in my car. Yesterday afternoon I took the list and created a play list and titled it simply, "Jesus Lives In Shuffle". There are a few people who will read the following list and think, 'ok why is that important?'... but each and every single one are. Each one. And for a few friends in particular, you will see why after the first ones I started keeping track and you are going to laugh.

I could spend the next 40 days writing about each song in their own entry. There are some that seem random, others that are hurtful, a few that remind me of a specific moment, a couple that inspired me to continue to make my choice, each one was perfectly placed. Each one perfectly timed. It is Monday. While I had many great conversations with those that love me in the past week, and those I've been open with about my pursuit of new ideas, options, paths... and the decisions to leave some other things behind- I found a great deep profound comfort in the playlist below. I wish I could have recorded particular conversations I have had the past two weeks- just so I can play them back and hear the way I've been loved, and pursued. I am thankful for the minutes I have had to up on my phone plan to compensate for those conversations, and I have been tremendously encouraged by those that have loved me, as I am, right now- the questions, the doubts, and tears and fears. Those friendships, those conversations, were woven into the "Shuffle of the Weekend"- and I can't help but smile and praise the Lord for the voices He chooses to speak through, for the tears I'm not afraid to show, and the strength I'm remembering to use as I make tough choices about my future.

Jesus in the Playlist. Never underestimate what He will use to inspire you, move you, break your heart wide open, and then piece it together again. 

-Put In Me: 100 Portraits & Waterdeep

-Always Midnight: Pat Monahan

-When I Talk To You: Mandy Moore

-Time To Say Goodbye: Andrea Bocelli

-Where's the Love: Hanson

-Love is All We Have: Jesca Hoop

-Mighty to Save: Hillsong

-One Safe Place: Marc Cohn

-Hang: Matchbox Twenty

-Suffering: Ten Shekel Shirt

-Holes: Rascal Flatts

-The Second Day: Kendall Payne

-This Moment: Melissa Etheridge

-Taking Chances: Celine Dion

-Where I Stood: Missy Higgins

-No Air: Jordin Sparks

-Steady As We Go: DMB

-Why Should the Fire Die?: Nickel Creek

-Glamorous: Fergie

-Much: Ten Shekel Shirt

-My Prayer: Chris Rice

-Watch Me Walk: Kerri Noble

-Sometimes Love: Chris Rice

-All Fall Down: MercyMe

-I Got You: Nick Carter

-Home: Michael Buble

-Things People Say: Lady Antebellum

-Change: Taylor Swift

-Green Hills of California: Emerson Hart

-Stay: Lisa Loeb

-Don't Stop Believing: Journey

-You Are Mine: Phil Stacey

-All We Are: Matt Nathanson

-Leavin': Jesse McCartney

-Stay With Me (Brass Bed): Josh Gracin

-Nothing Lasts Forever: Maroon Five

-Closing Time: Semisonic

-Wheel of the World: Carrie Underwood

-Season's of Love: Rent

Everything Lasts

We have right and wrong ways to justify and explain what quitting is, for example if you are addicted to something: quitting is a celebration of discipline and choice. If something is bad for us, we encourage those we love to walk away and let go. But if something is hard, or we are experiencing challenges we always equate quitting with failure. I think in some situations it could be true, but at this moment on this rainy night that is turning to snow I think I finally see the gray. I think I have finally resolved that quitting does not mean you are a quitter.

 

I mention this because my friends and I just watched a painful episode of Grey's Anatomy. I know that its just a television show, but sometimes the way the topics in the show mirror issues and concerns in my heart just take me by surprise... and I am left to sit and ponder, think and debate about how the show made me feel about the show, and then how the show made me feel about myself and my life. The theme tonight? Well at least the one that struck a chord with me was Derek and Meredith and "quitting". It made me sad. It made my heart literally hurt.

I have always been drawn to beginnings and endings. I like markers of time, I like to reflect on a year of friendship, a day without a diet coke, and going an hour without questioning a decision. There are dates in the year that I cannot let pass by without reflecting on an experience, or a relationship. In the movie Benjamin Button it is referred more then once that "nothing lasts", and Daisy counteracts that by simply responding, "something's do". I think she's right, but not in the typical pattern of thought. I've come to appreciate that the past, what was, what was said, who I've loved and have been loved by... the laughter, the tears, the tickles, the conversations without words- always last. They always live. Their very nature of being part of my heart allow their existence to continue, and they provide hope in places that it is easy to get lost in grief for a time missed, a relationship faded, or an area of hurt. I find hope in the endless sunny days that I have in my heart of sharing my life with someone, I find hope in the memories of trials I persevered through that allow me to be strong now, I find hope in trusting that every single moment, every single good and bad thing is woven together to create 'my story'. Perhaps the single greatest thing that I've learned from loving things about the past, is that loving it, missing it, and longing for it does not have to mean I regret it. 

I had to let go of a friendship last year and that was more difficult then I've ever shared with more then a couple of people. I had to ask for time and space, and I did not offer an ending date of those requests. I chose me, and I chose to pursue getting perspective. In doing so I did not miss them less, or not think everyday about calling. But... the missing changed, and the desire to call decreased. I am able to talk about the friend I'm no longer close to in groups while sharing a funny story, and I'm able to have pictures of them on my fridge- because while their role in my life currently has changed, and how I feel about trials we experienced together perhaps are hurtful in different ways: I cannot change that they are part of my story, they are part of the tapestry of my life. I have recently come to a place where I have forgiven myself for having to let go, and accept that I made the right choice. Whenever I doubt, or question myself in the midst of being sad about that, because to pretend that those emotions don't exist is a lie... my heart returns to the response of the friend that understood why and challenged me in the process, and the line that I hold close to my heart, "When you are ready, whether it's in a month or in twenty years, we will move past it and rejoice in having each other in our lives again." I don't know if this friend will be active in my life in the future. I pray for them, and I pray for my heart in the ways I hurt them and was hurt by them. The hurt was real. The choice to move on was necessary. There is hope in the letting go. Hope is contagious. Having hope there has allowed me to have hope in places I don't reach for it first. Somethings last. Truly, everything in some form lasts. 

I will love who I have loved forever. It may take a different shape. It may have a different voice. It may make my eyes sparkle or make them cry. It may never be spoken. It may only be known in glances. It may be found in what was sacrificed. It may return. But it never ends. 

As I continue to pray about my future and what I desire for it, I realize that choices are being made now that will change the landscape and change everything forever. I think I'm stronger then I often give myself credit, but sometimes I feel like I'm just a basket case and a burden. I know that there are times when I have to say what I need, and I know that there are going to be times those needs can't be met. I have this picture in my head about what I want from my life, and what I have dreamed up in the endless amount of time I've had to ponder it recently. I don't know exactly how to get from point A to point B. I don't know if I'm just not looking in the right places, have forgotten to put my glasses on, or if the Lord is instilling in me the vision I will need when the time is right. I know that I'm in a place where I feel tired, I feel like I've poured out everything I have and am praying to be restored and renewed. I know that I've got amazing friends who are patient, protective, and prayerful. I know that I'm loved in ways small and grand, and I know that some would do absolutely anything for me: even if selfishly they didn't want too. 

The topic of quitting on a television show makes me think about times in my life that I've been at a crossroads and have had to decide without the influence of any other voice in my life, and with all trust in Christ what the next and best step in a particular area is. I've learned that I can't take care of my myself for anyone else but me, and I can't associate anyone with my desire to gain control of areas that are spiraling out of my grasp. I can't move away for anyone, and I can't stay for anyone. At the feet of the Father I pray that I live a life that serves Him, loves Him, and in that love I can boast in His grace and love others for Him. His love is endless. His purpose is perfect. In Him I can choose better for myself, and while choosing a different path may mean to leave the road I've been on, it does not mean that my choice makes me a failure. There is gray. This girl of black and white has seen the gray... it is the silver lining, it is where hope lives. It is where everything lasts.

"I'm just hanging on while this old world keeps spinning
And it's good to know it's out of my control
If there's one thing that I've learned from all this living
Is that it wouldn't change a thing if I let go" -j. buffett

Ten Times

It is no exageration that I've started this blog entry 10 times. I went to begin it yesterday when I was in Richmond before I returned back to Lexington, and then last night I tried to write it before I went to bed. But I honestly don't know what to say, and I know the longer I go without writing here the longer it will take me to work myself back to this place again. So instead of my own feelings, I will share lyrics and lines that have made my heart hurt, happy, inspired, hopeful, encouraged, and most of all known.

"Cause I'll stand back up,

And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up." -sugarland

"You are fragile and afraid, walking a tight rope you try not to sway,

Let the healing begin... wash over you." -ten shekel shirt

"I think you are waiting to hear that its OK to say goodbye.

Would you say it, if this wasn't about you?" -priceless wisdom

"My view of what we've built, created, worked for, and sustained is defined more by the endless sunny day... and the plans for the next sand castle." -to a friend

"You are not alone. For I am here with you..." -Michael Jackson *thanks to American Idol

"Take this sinking boat and point it home... we've still got time...

Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you made it now...

Eyes that know me and I can't go back." -once

"These could all be in a book." -Regi, my instructor

"The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most..." -miley cyrus

"When you are ready, whether it's in a month or in twenty years, we will move past it and rejoice in having each other in our lives again." -Boo's.

"what do I have to do to keep you from doing this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes. One in love and one in anger.

They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer" -sugarland

"I want to see it. Heaven come to Earth.

Can you see it? Can you see?

Heaven come to earth.

Fountain of peace-all can drink,

find relief from the suffering.

And healing leaves, falling free,

all for the hearts of the suffering.

The Mountain peak, all can reach,

finally free from the suffering.

Like our dreams- we can fly... far away from the suffering." -tss

"So plant the thought and watch it grow. Wind it up and watch it go." -once

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it... Prone to leave the God I love. 

Here's my heart, Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above" -favorite hymn

one moment. you & me.

My favorite Card Ever... I have it in my house on a wall and I just love it. One day I will receive this card and just have to smile. It may not even be the same card. Maybe one day someone will know this is exactly what I would love to hear, and so they make their own card out of construction paper, and crayons. One day... you just never know. 

One Moment

To: You

From: Me
I was going to send you a card with a long letter inside that said the sky is okay here and I saw someone today who reminds me of you and also got yelled at once, and smiled at a couple of times and I made a new friend and lost another one and my dog is doing fine.
But cards end up under plastic refrigerator magnets or taped to walls. And I didn't want us taped to some wall.
What I really wanted was to drive by your house and see the light on or sit with you under a tree or walk beside you down a long path when we didn't know where it was going and didn't mind.
But I can't send you those things so instead I'm giving you this pocket-memory that you can take with you anywhere. You remember smiles and hugs even when the person's not there and if those smiles and hugs were words, then you'd remember what they said. This card is like that.

Right now there are two people having one of our moments somewhere. They're sitting there on top of a hill or in a car or on a living room sofa, not saying much at all, but understanding the silent space. "Look," it says, or "I'm here," or "I understand," or "I think you're pretty okay."

Maybe they're holding hands, even listening to their favorite song, watching the same patch of sky. So they've got geography, backyard barbecues, "together" whenever they want, picket fences... 

We've got forever.