Lost

Things I have lost in the past few months:

1) My ATM card

2) My favorite ring

3) My favorite sunglasses

4) My favorite Yoga Capri's

5) My mind

Seriously. Where have 1-4 gone? Where in the bottomless pit of my house and life have they disappeared too? I have this passive aggressive way of dealing with things that I have lost. It isn't very productive and it is actually quite frustrating. I can acknowledge that something from my life has gone astray. I just won't go looking for it right away. I wait for it to show back up again. I suppose I feel like once I go looking for it I will realize something has been completely lost. This is ridiculous. I know that you are laughing at me. It's ok. I have done that my entire life- not laughing at myself, just my approach to finding lost things. 

I have lost a handful of wallets in my life... I have lost two different drivers licenses, I have lost important warranty information and receipts. My heart desires to be so much more organized than I am able to pull together.

I am tired of losing things. I am really sad about the ring, the sunglasses, the yoga capris... I know they are just things but I really really enjoyed them. So if you find them, please alert me as soon as possible. I would be so grateful. Seriously, I would probably scream with joy. The ATM card and my mind? Nah... I got a new card awhile ago, and my mind probably can't be found!

3.

I came and sat with you today. 

It was almost like any normal day, except I knew that it wasn't. 

I told you about what was new in my life, and I told you what was old. 

It was quiet... and it was still. 

I took a drive after my visit at the river's edge, 

and extended my hand out the window into the breeze,

it felt like I was flying. 

I wished that I could fly to you... I prayed that there was a flight to catch. 

Today was almost like any other normal day, 

except my heart knew that it wasn't. 

This One.

"All that I want is to dig through this big box of pictures
In my kitchen 'til the daylight's gone

I loved the man in this one

It's faded but I don't care

There are nights when I wake up and know he's beside me I swear

Sometimes I still feel him there

But if life stayed the way it was  
If memories didn't last so long 
If nobody did nobody wrong 
It we knew what we had before it was gone 
If every road led back home 
This would be 
The very last country song..."

I Want You To Need Me

Today on the river I was laying on the smoothest, softest rock... I crept my toes down to the waters surface fearing its chill, but desiring its refreshment from the sun's heat. My mind raced as I thought of all I have on my heart these days, and I was trying to calm myself down a little bit. I was having a conversation with Jesus that was much like the conversations I have with my friends... once I start talking I keep going a mile a minute, and barely stop to breathe. I don't always give the opportunity for those I am with to interject their thoughts or points of view... I knew that I needed to be quiet... I knew that I had said enough. The lyrics below came to mind, and while its a love song between man and woman, today I heard it as a message of love to me from my God who was trying to speak louder then my ranting, and He was trying to be more tender then my pushing and impatience in the conversation. 

I was still on the rock. I was quiet. My mind slowed down... and I heard:

"Kari, 

I want you to need me 

Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream..."

My response was more then stillness. It was the ache to allow that to happen more. I want to need Christ more then the air I breathe, I want to feel Him in everything, and I want to see Him in every dream. My conversation with Him changed from my constant chatter to prayer... to grow and mature, to change. I cared less about my plea's for insight, direction, or clarity on whatever subject I was wrapped up in my head about. All that was stripped away, and what was left was me in the middle of a moving river, sitting quietly on a rock with my toes playing along the surface of the water... and my most sincere prayer was for Him to show me how to desire Him more. How to want Him more then I do now. More then I wanted Him yesterday. How to see Him in everything. That He would prepare my heart for what I will find when I go to those places trusting and needing only Him. To wanting Him, the way He has always desired me... boldly and completely. 

I.Say.It's.Love.

"Is it more than faith
Is it more than hope
Is it waiting for us at the end of our rope

I say, it's love
I say, it's love

Is it the one you call home
Is it the Holy Land
Is it standing right here holding your hand
Is it just like the movies
Is it rice and white lace
Is it the feeling I get when I wake to your face

Is it the first summer storm
Is it the colors of fall
Is it having so little
And yet having it all
Is it one in a million
Is it a change to belong
Is it standing right here singing this song

Is it a veil or a cross
Is it the poet's gift
Is it the face that has launched over thousands of ships

Is it making you laugh
Is it letting you cry
Is it where we believe that we go when we die
Is it how you were made
Is it your mother's ghost
Is it the wish that I'm wishing for your life, for your life, for your life the most"
-JN & CB

I have sought how to let the Love of Christ POUR and wash over into the other places in my life in ways I have been scared too. I have pushed and pulled my way through boundaries with friends and I know in doing that I have not been productive for Jesus. I have set limits, I have held back, and I have run away. I give advice encouraging others to be open, to be vulnerable, to get it out of their hearts. I have not always taken such advice... but in this past year I have jumped quite a bit. I have been vulnerable in ways I have not been able to be in the past. I can see ways that I have matured and while there is encouragement found there, I know that there is much for me to learn.

I don't avoid conflict. I don't avoid talking about it. I just need to think it through. This has a tendency to drive others crazy. Recently, I had a moment. I had a conversation that I was able to articulate something of significant frustration to someone that put me in a place of vulnerability. Not the normal risk, and not the typical chance that I would say what I needed to say and be heard. I needed to be more then heard... and I needed to pray that the Lord would be my place of rest and that Christ Centered truth would be of more significance then the response of the one I was talking too. How to be Godly, assertive, and my truest version of self in a situation you know that you need to also be guarded and protected?

My reason for finally addressing my hurt about something was driven by my love for wanting to be authentic, and it was fueled by the notion that even though sometimes things are hard to talk about, and ways that we may have to change are scary- we are called to love each other better and more boldly. Everything that can live in growth out of confrontation and conversation when in love, Christ is glorified. To skirt that, to avoid that, I can see how I have also not allowed others to love me in the ways that Christ is going to bless.

I have not trusted enough in this area. Instead I have pretended to trust. and then in an instant of compromise, or lack of care I freak out. I forget all the ways love reigned, and I start making choices out of a darker place. Satan twists my heart around, and changes my ears. I have struggled with this time and time again. The Lord however has been molding me through it... and because of the root in love I have been blessed most by the truth. When I was able to speak my heart about my hurt I was able to see how the Lord set me up to not compromise what I felt or wanted, I could see how love between friends is as priceless a gift as any other- sometimes I just have to trust that more.

The morning brought doubt about what I had said, and I could sense Satan starting to pick away at insecurities that were absent in the conversation that needed to happen the evening prior... I am still working to seek Christ more then the phrases that I have remembered from the conversation I initiated.

Is it being able to step out in truth even when fear wants us to hide.
Is it being able to listen completely to what is said, not just what we want to hear.
Is it expressing our care for someone even if we are afraid.
Is it willing to do the hard things for the right purpose.
Is it being able to let go and allowing ourselves to be moved by the Lord.

I say, it's love. I am so grateful to be loved so completely by Jesus... and that He has given me such gifts of people in my life. I am thankful that instead of hurting through these lessons, that I am trusting more. I am trusting Jesus more. I am trusting those who love me more. I am listening less to the lies. I am putting less weight on doubt. While terrifying, I am excited to see how the Love Christ has for me will POUR and WASH over other areas of my life as I continue to remove my walls and hesitation with trust, and how that will impact who I will love and those who will choose to love me in return... boldly.

Departures and Arrivals

Where is it?

Is Home really where the heart is? 

If so, then my home is scattered across the globe. I have left parts of it with friends and family in visits. I have left some pieces dancing in the wind as I've watched the sun set into the ocean. I have given parts of it to strangers upon meeting for short intervals of time. I have given it away. I have been given some of it back. My heart has been restored and it has been broken. 

I have been operating under a state of dreaming for over a year now. I have tried to be brave, and I have tried to be intentional. It is now time to stop. I can sense my exhaustion. I have tried to make big decisions for this big life that I'm living, and I have been terrified of making the wrong choices. 

The great movement I sense in my heart is not just the awareness of needing to settle down, its the notion that I even desire it.  I am ready to stop. I am ready to stop talking about all the things I could do, and places I could live, and versions of myself that I could be. Now, I bet you are thinking "but this process started when you came back from Thailand, and taking the job". Truthfully, it didn't. I have been running away from it, and I have been unsatisfied in the process. 

I want to be home. I want to return back to the part of my heart that was settled over a year ago and in the four years I spent nurturing and building a secure, and healthy life in Virginia. I have sought the world over and over again looking for a place for my heart to rest, and my life to contain more then departures and arrivals. I have said over and over again how I want that to be here in Lexington... I have prayed about finding a job that will keep me here. I found that job, it wasn't perfect but now I am able to see how that set me up for something better then I dreamed of in being able to pursue something of my heart.

This is home. And not because my life is here or that my house is here. The only thing not here is the submission of my heart and complete vulnerability to chosing this place to start a new journey. I can no longer plan in my mind a thousand possibilities elsewhere. I could go anywhere. I could do anything. I have prayed that the Lord would show me where and what. I have begged it would be here. I have not trusted the answer... I have skirted the biggest part of my journey... the dreaming will always continue. But it has hurt me and run me ragged thinking about all of my 'what if's' because I have not trusted that this place, and this time is enough.

It is time to stop running in circles. It is time to make some commitments, make some plans, change some relationships based on the fact I'm taking root. I'm trying desperately to let go and be vulnerable in this place. I just feel like the rest of my life is waiting on my ability to let go of my control in this one area, and yet my knuckles are white and my grip is fervent. I can't grasp what is next if I'm too afraid to let go of what has been reliable. 

Home. Where is it? I have known the answer the entire time. I have felt it the entire year. I pray that I can trust that it is enough, and that the Lord will do mighty things with my life. I just need to let go. 

Peace and Love

This song was randomly chosen by the little brain in my iPod that selects songs during the Shuffle setting. I used to listen to this song on repeat years ago... and today I just loved it all over again, it just felt so apropos and familiar. 

Peace & Love

May every star you wish upon
And every hope you're hangin' on come true
Out of everybody in the world
There's no one who deserves it more than you
I hope you find
Everyhing you've been dreamin' of
Only good things
No in betweens just
Peace and love

These words did not come easily
Still you know I had to write them down
You must know what you mean to me
I wish that you could always be around
I hope you find
Everything you are worthy of
I'm gonna miss you
But I only wish you
Peace and love

Peace and love
Tears of joy
Kindness of strangers
All of your roads
Paved in gold
By guardian angels
Wherever you may be in this world
My salutation says it all
May you always have enough
Peace and love

I let you go unselfishly
Cause everyone needs time to be alone
Well maybe time will bring you back
And if it does you'll always have a home
I sign my name
No one to blame it on because
I'm on your side
No question of pride

-Blessid Union of Souls