The Only Road North

A friend of mine told me to read the book, "The Only Road North" by Erik Mirandette. To explain the general premise of the book I will take the summary from the back cover: 

"A young man's remarkable, true journey through thirteen African countries with his brother and two best friends. Erik Mirandette was completing  a two year-stint with a humanitarian organization in Morocco when, continuing his quest to live the life he was created to life, he set off on an unforgettable pilgrimage. Beginning in Cape Town, Erik, his brother, and his two best friends traveled 9,000 miles north by dirt bike, experiencing the poverty, beauty, and dangers of the African continent.

Then in Cairo, having safely reached the end of their perilous journey a terrorist's bomb ripped Erik's world and faith apart. The four travelers were now desperately wounded and on the brink of death."

I read the book in a day or two and loved it. The journey is nothing I can relate too, I mean, my travel experience has been plush compared to camping out in the African bush and riding a dirt bike for four months. The tragedy that impacted these young men on the end of the journey is scary, and I have thought about how I would react in such a situation. Faced with his own tremendous injuries and loss Erik writes:

"The most horrible and terrifying thing that I can imagine isn't that I would put all that I am on the line for a cause I believe in and be called on it. The most horrible and terrifying thing is the thought that I could spent my whole existence minimizing the risks I take, living ignorantly convinced of my safety, rejecting the purpose that I was created for, and then someday wake up an old man and see that my life has passed before me, and now with death knocking on my door realize that in all my years I have never truly lived."

While sitting in a comfortable chair reading that paragraph with only a page left in the book I was struck by how much I felt that same way. I fear making the wrong choices all the time, but most of all- I fear that I won't take enough chances, I won't take enough jumps, that I will hold on too tightly to my perceived notion of control and never allow the purpose of what I was created for take center stage. 

As I round out this time of discovery, and as I have been more reflective on what it all meant, how leaving camp was a difficult and trying decision, and how waking up that first morning with no where to be, no one to work for... I am thankful that if I left this earth tomorrow that I will know that I took the only road north, it wasn't easy, and it was full of its own hills... it may not have been Africa, but it was my journey and I have truly lived during this time. 

Read the book... its a good one. 

Commitment

It's been awhile and I realize that I never wrote about accepting the position! I went away for Easter weekend and at the lunch stop grabbed my phone real quick to place the call before I chickened out. I had hoped by having a long weekend to continue to ponder and pray that I would be flooded with an astounding peace. Every major decision in my life to date has had its challenges, but I have always known deep down the way to go, and even when kicking and screaming the afterglow of peace and contentment is quick to pass over. I wasn't feeling any peace, and I wasn't feeling any contentment leaving for Easter weekend in Indianapolis, and as I traveled with Tex and Gracie to their destination of No. Kentucky where I would be leaving them for the weekend I felt more and more conflict.

All of those dreams, all of those plans, all of those thoughts that I have had about my future and my life in the past 8 months were coming to a crossroads. Which way was I going to go? I sought employment in Lexington, and I sought employment elsewhere. The job I got was the only one I interviewed for, and I got it. I wondered if I hung out a little more what else would come my way. I know that it was foolish of me to assume I could predict more offers and opportunities, and I also know that the Lord was trying to bless me with giving me the one job I was supposed to take. I just needed to let go of my plan, my vision, and fully accept His, the one that I was praying desperately to see. In the process I know that I was focused on what I thought to do, and what I felt my heart inching at... that sometimes I simply forgot to just be still in the moment with Jesus. It was easy to talk a million miles a minute about what I could do, and every random dream that I could live out... but it was much harder to silence the radio, the internal monologue, and the input of friends who loved me. 

I have been mocked recently (in a lovingly joking way) about my issues with commitment. I have spent a lot of time with the Lord recently about this, and I am working towards wanting to not be someone who has such issues. Now, my issues are not that I run from it, or that I avoid it. My issues are that I'm sometimes way more over analytical about choices that I make, and sometimes don't realize I can change my mind later. I am fearful of making the wrong decision that sometimes I get stunted in the process. Coupling this with the idea that I am loyal and desire to be in solid situations makes for a very interesting point of view. I know that in choosing the job, accepting the fantastic offer that I would be giving it my everything, and the fear that it was the wrong thing to give my everything too was real. Friends would encourage me to consider that I could quit, that I could try my hardest and it'd be OK if it didn't work out. I'm just not a quitter anymore. 

I want to ease through situations and points of view, and I want to be fluid. I want to be brave and bold and do things that I wouldn't normally allow. I have wanted to spend time alone and travel, and become anonymous in a crowd of strangers. I have wanted time. I have wanted more of it, and sometimes I have wanted less of it. I want to be less afraid of making a mistake, and I want to be able to embrace what I could become if I let go of wanting to control every action and reaction. 

So, I took the job. It's time to unpack the ever full suitcases, put on some heels and head to work every morning. I took the job because it was more then I asked for, and I know that the Lord is going to use me in the facility of the secular business world. I took the job because it meant I can stay in Lexington, Virginia for awhile longer... and even though I have escaped the mountains and sought every place else I know that my heart lives there, I know that the people who have carried me with love and prayers through this entire journey are there... and I'm just not afraid of making the wrong choice in a job if it means I can make the right choice to stay with people I love. I love them all, I love them all for different reasons, and in different ways... I have missed them more then I care to acknowledge, and I have seen more and thought more then I'll ever be able to articulate. Sometimes the struggle in traveling has been how the experience and point of views live where I was, and not at home. It is my prayer that I have grown and been challenged by the times elsewhere, and the Lord in ways that could not have happened during any other opportunity. I suppose we can get glimpses into ourselves in snippets, but the true test of growth and maturity often comes in our witness...and well friends, I hope that I've made you proud. I'm staying.

Used To Be A Quitter

I used to be a quitter. I used to be a 'throw the towel in, cut your losses' kind of girl. When things started getting difficult in a friendship I would typically think "ok well that didn't work out". That was just how I was entering High School. I had an uncanny commitment to some people, but others I allowed to weave their ways in and out of my life depending on the complexity of the drama at hand. Part of this was due to the defense mode of knowing that once we hit troubled ground that the masks were off, and real character vulnerability was exposed. I don't know what it was about certain friendships during this time, but I really struggled with my desire to want to walk away. 

As I grew in my relationship with the Lord I saw a noticeable difference in my attitude regarding conflict in general, and how to forge the differences in friendships that struggled. I believed in forgiveness, and I was able to handle constructive confrontation well. All of these years later I consider myself someone that has fought hard for friendships that matter, and I am proud of the commitment I have established in loving the people in my life. I am not perfect, and I struggle with all sorts of things that are detrimental to being part of a two person relationship...but I am thankful that the friends that I have in my life right now are men and women that have been with me for years. It has been a process, but in time and growth I kind of snapped out of the 'quitting' mentality of friendship. 

I know that I have my own pace, and I know that when I am struggling with someone that I often get advice from peers telling me what to do- and I will rebuttal with "in time, not yet, no I don't think so" as my explanation for waiting. I have a sharp tongue, and can be mean, and I have tried hard to not talk myself into holes that I can't dig myself out of: so instead, sometimes I just wait. 

I mention all of this because a friendship I have held near and dear to my heart is broken. I have tried to fix it, and I have tried to communicate with my friend the ways I have been hurt by their behavior, and silence. I have prayed for healing, and I have prayed for a phone call. The healing has come with time and understanding that I've done the best I could. I have tried to understand what I could have done better, or reacted differently. Mostly, I have ignored how hurt I have been by this friend. I think I thought that if I didn't write about the hurt I have regarding the brokenness in our friendship it would mean it wasn't real. That somehow the struggle to move past and through the disappointments we both caused each other no longer needed to be discussed. 

Today as I moved from one place to the next, and ate my lunch my thoughts returned to this friend and the story of us. My IPOD went to a particular song on Shuffle that made me think more of this person, and I felt the reality of my continued hurt to linger on my heart today... I just couldn't shake it. 

I would like to visit you for awhile, get away and out of this city.

Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break.

We can go sit on your back porch and talk about anything, it don't matter.

It'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me.

'Cause I don't know you anymore, I don't recognize this place,

... we don't talk much anymore, 

We keep running from the pain- but what I wouldn't give to see your face again.

Can you believe what a year its been, are you still the same?

How do you redefine something that never really had a name?

The fact is, I miss this friend. It is a difficult reality to accept that we aren't talking, and haven't for almost three months. The fact they have no response to my extensions of communication have only perpetuated the disappointment and hurt I have already felt. I suppose its a loss in my life that I have not spoken of or shared with more then just a handful of friends because I still seek to protect and defend them in my life. I don't want people to judge their treatment of me then, or their continued punishment in not responding. 

I hesitate writing this here because I know that the door will be opened and questions will be raised about who I am talking about and what happened. I am not sure I have thought through what my explanation will be to those that dare to ask. What matters is not what I have said here, or what I will say later. The heart of the matter is that I have had more moments when I have wanted to pick up the phone and call them- but haven't because I know that I shouldn't. The truth is that what happened hurt me- and while the sting has turned into a numbing presence in my heart, I still miss them. I am hurt because their silence communicates to me, that they aren't hurting. I am writing this to get out some of the rambling thoughts and moments that have continued to live in my life since that day. I don't know what to do to make this right, perhaps I never will. I have hope. I will hope for their call and I will pray that the Lord gives me the right words. 

I used to be a quitter. My fear of commitment has turned itself into being choosy and delayed decision maker, and the thought that I will go for it with my all. This has translated itself into making choices regards to my future, jobs, where to go and what to do... but mostly in this moment it lives in the grip my heart has on a friendship that is gone... and despite the hurt that I have kept silent from so many- its real, and sometimes its raging with anger, and other times it weeps with sadness. I am hoping by writing this, and getting this out of my head, it will turn more into a peace then an ache. 

Dr. Seuss Wisdom

Today I read, "Oh The Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss. I think the last time I read this book was when I was in elementary school, and I didn't remember much of it from reading it as a child. 

In light of all the transitions in my life over the past 8 months and all of the adventures, this book would have been apropos to read embarking on all of them last summer. However, the timing was absolutely perfect and reading it today I was able to be reflect on this journey that is winding down and the one I am about to begin, my new job. 

Not able to keep Dr. Seuss to myself I am including key pages in the book below so that perhaps it can stir some thoughts about your own life as you read:

1) You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place... Somehow you''ll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.

2) All Alone! Whether you like it or not, alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. 

3) And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.) 

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

A Different Offer

So, I heard back last night about the job. It wasn't what I was expecting, and it wasn't anything I had planned, but it is a fantastic offer. Without going into detail about what the position is, or the potential growth associated I am left to consider what could be a very good path.

As the buzz of the possibilities played off in energy this evening I sensed my thoughts returning to where I see myself going and what I want to do. I came home and was excited about the opportunity presented, and have felt tremendously loved by friends who have followed up and called me in the past week to see how I'm doing and what is happening. I honestly have to say that the extension of friendship from Indiana, Kentucky (times two), North Carolina, and Ohio has blown me away. I have felt carried in prayer and I have felt supported in absolute love. In the search for dreams and paths I know that I have exhausted myself and others around me and I have often times been at a loss at what the point has been of it all. 

But today I sat and I listened to someone try to convince me to trust them and the opportunity that they were offering. I listened to them speak passionately about a company that they love, and I listened to them remark at the ways they felt I would soar with them. It was more then an ego boost, it was enough to push me closer to capturing what I have been waiting for... something bigger then just a job... a possibility bigger then just a pay check... a new direction, new growth, and change.

To accept the position I know means letting go of this time in my life. I think as the night continued that was the truth that was resonating on my heart the most. The glitter and glam from being wanted and pursued by the job had faded and the reality that my life would once again return to established employment and responsibility. I have known that I was ready for it, and that the time was coming... but tonight as I watched American Idol I felt my heart sink with the knowledge that my time would be dedicated to something established, something responsible and my gallivanting was going to be constricted to vacation days and holidays. 

The Lord answered my prayers in a huge way. The Lord answered all your prayers for me in a divine and meticulously planned experience of submission and trust. I am thankful for the highs and lows, and I am thankful for the stretching and growth that I have done in the process. 

I wouldn't change this year for anything. I have gone back and forth recently on what would be worth leaving this path behind and there are things that top the list... but truth is I know that the person I have worked towards becoming, and the ways I have pursued Christ to reflect Him more have come from all the experiences since July of 2007. I have photos, postcards, and letters to self that remind me of what I've seen and thought. 

It's a different offer. It's a better offer. It better suits me and my future. But it still means that its time to let go of where I am, and tonight thinking about that when I quieted down from the excitement... it just hurt. 

My Love for You is Real

My friend Matt would be proud of the fact I am referring to a Ryan Adams song in this blog entry. He loves Ryan Adams, he is obsessed, and if he could be a rock star I think he would choose to be Ryan. Recently I was watching a Season Finale of a show I have enjoyed this year and they featured the song "My Love For You Is Real" in the ending scenes. Being a visual person, tying the eye with the ear in a song has always been a very strong association for me. Since watching the show, I have been a little obsessed with the song.

In the state of unknown (still have not heard back about the job), there have been a lot of moments I have wanted to act out and be ridiculous. I got a compliment yesterday from a friend commenting on the lack of acting out, and how they noticed. I was glad they noticed, but I was also glad because I had been trying to let go. One phone call is really all that I am waiting for, and my phone just won't ring... it is obnoxious. 

I had a moment with my pastor yesterday, he did not know that we were sharing this moment, but it was divine and the Lord really spoke to me through the sermon.  

-After we have exhausted all of our other resources and courses of action, then we pray. We are slow to acknowledge weakness and sin, but that is the real battle of the heart- and that is the war that we are losing.

-Sharing our concerns, our failings, and weaknesses with others allows the community to come together and pray. Why can't we open up and be vulnerable in such a capacity?

-Control. We never had it to start with, why do we let the lack there of drive us crazy?

We then went into singing "Lord Have Mercy", and in that worship song lives so much of where I am right now, "With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom... I have built an altar where I worship things of man...I have taken journeys that have drawn me far from you."

I am trying to trust His plan, but I know that I have doubt and I can't move past the pressure having that doubt puts on my heart. I have been trying to listen to my heart and wait for the Lord's calling, but I know that my flesh gravitates for earthly wisdom and hope. I have put too much care into things of man, and I have tried to skirt would the Lord could be doing in my life by running away.

I know that my love for the Lord is real. I know it because I depend on it, I pray for it to grow, I have watched it change and mature through the years, and I know in my heart that I would sacrifice anything for it. I know that His love for me is real because I have the gospels to articulate all that He has done for me. I know it is real because my changed life and heart could not have been molded with any other hand. I sense his love in the sunsets, and I feel it in the warmth of a friends touch. I have run, and I have traveled far and wide this past year and I have seen his love in the lives of those that have embraced me, and in the quiet moments on my own, I have seen his love in the courage to continue moving forward. 

So while I am impatient, have doubt, and obsess over things that I can't control I know in my heart that the Lord is molding me through this time, and that in stretching far out of my comfort zone and that has been scary I have also seen very tangibly how His love for me is real, and eternal and how my response to that can only be love, faith, and trust... there should be no room for doubt. 

My love for you is real
It moves like a summer breeze
My love for you is strong
Lord it brings me to my knees

My love for you is long
Across the oceans all the same
My love for you is true

I Just Don't Know

I am sure I am becoming a very frustrating person to be around. I am sure of it. I know that for myself, I am tired of hanging out with myself. I have ran out of ideas, I think I have thought every possible answer to what my grand next step in life should be, and I am dry. I have no more crazy suggestions, I have no more dreams to flesh out in conversation. I can sense that those who have heard these random trains of thought are tired of hearing them by the eye rolls and exasperated sighs when I talk about the ideas.

I had my third interview with the job I am most interested in. It was a lengthily morning with them, and I left not feeling very much in control or certain about which way it was going to go. They said they'd have a decision by end of business day or Monday. Obviously hearing the decision yesterday would have been absolutely ideal, but the Lord wanted to continue to teach me patience. 

To distract myself from all the job uncertainty I was able to help out in the Snack Bar for the past two days with Tex. Somehow he managed the register, and I ran the entire counter service on my own. It was ridiculous. It was busy. It was an adventure. In the in-between times I went a little crazy in wanting to clean out candy containers, or made lists to pass on to the kitchen. The Snack Bar was never my favorite aspect of my job at camp, but spending the time in there the past two days it was affirming that I could still know how to do something and that I could still balance so many things at one time.

Last night was not a productive round of sleep even though I went to bed so tired. I dreamt of things that were emotional and while I can't remember the circumstances exactly I do remember one conversation in the dream that had the sense of realism that is enough to shake you a little bit when waking. I think that my time in bed over night has surely impacted my time awake today, and its a mood I am having a hard time shaking. I decided to drive up to Staunton/Waynesboro to do some errands and grab coffee. Before getting off my exit I thought about just driving until I got to the ocean so I could sit and stare at it, it would have taken five or so hours to accomplish that and if not for the Bowling Extravaganza night out that I coordinated for this evening I may have continued on 64 East without a second thought. 

The pressure I feel in regards to employment I know is my own. It is not from my family, parental expectation, or peer group. I am seeking the impossible, that in one decision the next several years will be planned out and even predictable. That is so absolutely ridiculous, and I'm ashamed that I think its even possible. I have been juggling a lot of potential directions as I've opened my heart to moving away, and I think in doing that I have also added a tremendous amount of pressure in trying to make the right decision, that I have neglected the reality of a wrong decision still would be ok...the world would not end. I can change my mind. 

I am trying to let go. I am trying to listen to those that are telling me to stop thinking about it. I am trying to enjoy this time because I know that I will miss it when it's gone. It's just where I am right now.